That Guy is Scamming You, Mom

Kelly Slater could sell me bagels in Norway

I am not accustomed to being scammed by handsome young men selling weight sets. I came close to getting scammed by a foxy guy who tried to sell me a mattress for 10,000 dollars, but phooey for him. He wasn’t my type.

Following that logic, was it my fault I got sucked into the gravitational pull of a guy trying to sell me a rusty barbell set? He looked like Kelly Slater. You know, the famously hot surfer who’s dated every Hollywood goddess from Paltrow to Diaz. Definitely my type.

There are times, my dear friends when one is vulnerable to the charms of a dude who looks and smells like the sea.

Let me explain.

My son and I wanted a weight set — one of those weird purchases you crave when life has gotten a little flat and you need a vacation. But instead of taking a vacation, you buy something you don’t need.

My husband wasn’t amenable to a home-weight set. He said weight sets broke floors. My husband should have gone into a field where he pointed out places where people could hurt their toes. Like OSHA but for family homes and feet.

My husband uses the words toe-stubber more than anyone I have ever met.

Could you move those chairs? They look like toe-stubbers. Let’s put the vacuum in the closet. It’s a toe-stubber. Can you pad the edges of the bed? It’s a toe-stubber.

So, when my son and I were fixated on getting a weight bench and barbells, my husband told us we’d have to keep it in the garage. It’ll break the floors, he said. It’s also a toe-stubber.

My husband has two full-time jobs. The first is his paying full-time job. The second is protecting our house from me and my son. I move furniture around, risking damaging the walls and the floors. My son plays basketball on the wood floors and hangs hoops over all the doors.

So, when I told my husband I was going to Play it Again Sports, the local resale shop for sports equipment, he flinched — then wisely, he joined me.

My husband knew if he didn’t come, I’d return home with some random heavy nonrefundable sports equipment. That’s when Kelly Slater walked over.

Can I help you with something? Kelly Slater asked.

When I’m in a particular mood(tired, PMS, bored) I can totally imagine why people do things like go out for a pack of cigarettes or rob a bank. The restlessness is strong in me.

Yes, I said.

No, said my husband.

Kelly Slater turned all his salesman attention in my direction. I was the mark. I mean the customer.

My husband walked away — over to some hockey skates — the bread and butter of Play it Again Sports in our neighborhood. Everyone is always taking up and quitting hockey here. Surfers are harder to find than skaters.

My husband saw his power diluting. He had been demoted to light security — but he knows me. I’m not afraid of no mall cop.

Kelly Slater continued to show me rusty broken off-sized weights and bent dumbbell bars. My pupils dilated imagining my very own home weight set presented to me by Cameron Diaz’s ex-boyfriend.

My husband walked back over to me, resigned.

I’m going to the grocery store, he said. Meet me when you’re done.

He put his husband please don’t buy anything spell on me but my magic was bigger. I was on a mission.

After agreeing to purchase a mishmash of tetanus-coated weights consolidated by Kelly Slater, I Facetimed my son — who I was hoping would be my co-conspirator.

What about these? I asked, pointing the camera at the collection of weights.

What size is that bar, mom? It looks tiny.

Maybe ten pounds, I said.

Mom. It needs to be 45 pounds.

But he said the 45-pound one is huge — 7 feet long, I said.

Who’s he? my son asked.

Excellent question.

I continued. He said they only make the 45-pound ones in 7 feet.

Mom, my son said. Whoever he is, he’s scamming you.

If feeling were an age, I was now 100. I looked over at Kelly Slater, as disappointed as if I’d been his own mother.

He shrugged. Yeah, he said, they make’m in other sizes too, but we don’t have them.

Mom, my son said. Get out of there.

I grabbed a shoulder roller from a basket and walked to the counter. I had to buy something.

Thanks for your help, I said. You really worked hard.

No problem, he said. You work really hard too.

What was he talking about? I walked over to the grocery store and met my husband hanging out with the avocados.

I’m gonna go get some red onions, I said. I hear they’re great antioxidants and wonderful for inflammation.

I could tell when he looked up, he was about to ask Where’d you hear that? but he stopped himself.

Who cared? Onions were cheaper than barbells.