That Damn Moon!
The frustrating journey of a misogynist
Carl sat in the bar nursing a Long Island Iced Tea. He had never been in that bar before but it was close to where Rebecca was now living and he had asked her to meet him there.
With his elbow on the table and chin in his hand, Carl watched the live band play country western music. He abhorred country western music but when one is in Texas and one picks a bar at random to meet an ex-lover the chances are good that the music in that bar will be country western.
“What the hell am I doing in Texas?” he asked himself.
The answer suddenly appeared next to his table. It was Rebecca.
Carl stumbled as he stood up. It had been a month since he had last seen her. As he looked at her he fell into a state of shock….
She had cut her hair!
Her hair had always been one of the main things that turned him on about her. She had wavy brown hair that cascaded down her back all the way down to the top of her ass. Carl remembered burying his face in that incredible hair and running his face down to the very end of that hair. He would then kiss her ass cheek and then turn her over and make love to her.
Rebecca was model material. She had an incredible body and beautiful, unforgettable face but…. her hair! Carl had never been so sexually excited by anything more than he was by her magical hair. He could never think about her without thinking about her hair….
And now, as he looked at her, he realized that she had cut it! It was now short. It barely reached her shoulders. The hair! The hair was mostly all now gone!
“What? What’s the matter?”
Carl choked out a reply, “Uh…. uh, nothing…. uh…. nothing’s the matter. I’m just shocked by your hair.”
“You don’t like it?”
Carl lied, “No, no, it’s gorgeous. It’s beautiful. I…. I love it! It frames your beautiful face so perfectly. Your face! Oh, how I have missed your beautiful face! Your hair only enhances your beautiful face!”
Rebecca blushed.
“Seriously, I love your hair. And I love you, damn it. I am so freaking happy to see you. I’m so sorry about everything that happened. Really, I’ve been dying to see you again.”
They sat down.
“What about your wife?”
“Cindy and I are completely finished. I swear to God! Why do you think I’m here in Texas instead of back in Arizona? Cindy and I are over. I made my decision. I mean, I moved here to Texas. I have an apartment right here in the same city as you. I just started a new job last week. Becky, I can’t live without you. I have to be close to you. I want you to know that my marriage is completely, one hundred percent over. It’s only a matter of time before the divorce is finalized.”
Just then a waitress in cowboy boots, a very, very short skirt, and a leather vest appeared at the table, “What can I get you?”
Carl pointed his hand at Rebecca. Rebecca took a deep breath and said, “I’ll have a glass of Chardonnay.”
Glass of Chardonnay? When the hell did she start drinking Chardonnay? She had always been a rum and coke girl.
The cowgirl waitress looked at Carl.
“I’ll have another one of these iced teas.”
The waitress left.
Rebecca leaned in toward Carl, “When did you start drinking iced tea?”
Carl laughed in the most masculine way that he could, “Oh, a long island iced tea has a plethora of alcohol in it.” (He was hoping to have impressed her with his use of the word, ‘plethora.’)
After a seemingly endless moment of silence, Carl asked, “So when did you start drinking Chardonnay?”
“Uh…. well…. uh…. a lot of my new friends here drink wine instead of hard liquor. I…. uh…. kind of like it.”
New friends?
Carl stared at her, transfixed. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen…. or slept with. To Carl, she was the epitome of female beauty. As he stared at her, he wanted her so badly with every fiber of his being.
“So what about Cindy?”
Carl came tumbling down from his cloud of euphoria as though careening down a rocky embankment. “Becky, I swear Cindy and I are over. I really mean it this time. Why do you think I moved here to Texas and why I’m not back there in Arizona? I left her for good, damn it. Seriously. All I want is you.”
The cowgirl waitress brought the drinks and after she left Rebecca leaned back in her chair and sipped her Chardonnay, “And this is final? Like it was before?”
Carl rubbed his hand over his face, “Becky, this is BEYOND final! I swear! I left. I not only left but I moved all the way here. She can never come between us again. I love YOU! I love you with every fiber of my being. I really, really, really mean it!”
Rebecca set down her glass of Chardonnay and leaned forward, “Okay, so where do we go from here?”
Carl leaned into her beautiful face, “Rebecca, I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to pressure you. I only want to love you.”
With a cover of a Willie Nelson song playing in the background, a silence eerily developed between them.
Rebecca grabbed her glass of Chardonnay and leaned back in her chair, taking a sip of her wine.
Carl took out a slip of paper from his shirt pocket, “Here is my new address and my new phone number.”
Rebecca took the slip of paper and, without looking at it, she slipped it into her small purse. She took a sip of her Chardonnay and said nothing. She said absolutely nothing as she stared into Carl’s eyes.
Carl was suddenly paralyzed. His mind was busy formulating responses to what she might have said but she said nothing. He had thought and re-thought numerous responses but he had nothing prepared for her saying nothing.
Silently, he stared into her eyes. He stared at her beautiful face, the face that appeared regularly in his dreams, the face that saturated his day dreams, the face he saw repeatedly throughout his days. Looking at her, he saw the culmination of every desire he had ever felt in his short life.
A few short months ago he had expressed his intense love for her and she had reciprocated. She told him how much she loved him.
Now he was reiterating his expression of love but there was no response.
No response!
Rebecca broke her eye contact with Carl, looking down at her glass of wine, which she picked up and took a sip of. This was not a verbal response but it was a very profound response nonetheless.
Carl switched tactics. He took a sip of his drink then leaned back in his chair. He looked up at the ceiling of the bar.
Returning his gaze back to the table at which they were sitting, Carl took another healthy swig of his drink.
Rebecca, who had not changed her facial expression, looked at Carl.
Carl looked to his right and then to his left. He then leaned forward putting his elbows on the table. Clearing his throat, he looked Rebecca in the eyes, “Becky, I swear to God that I love you. I know that I’ve been an asshole,” he stuttered, “I’ve…. I’ve…. I’ve been the biggest asshole in the world. I’m so goddam sorry. I’ve been an ignorant fool. I know I’ve hurt you but I am so damn, damn sorry. Please, please give me another chance. Please let me love you….”
Rebecca looked like she was about to start crying. She looked like she was about to forgive him. She looked like she was about to take him back….
…. but she said nothing.
Carl felt himself turn inside out. He felt every facet of rejection he had ever felt all at once. From that girl on the elementary school playground through the girls in junior high school and the many girls in high school and to all the girls since then, including his wife…. Rejection, to Carl, was what always followed what he thought was love. After so many years of rejection Carl should have been immune to it, he should have built up an armor to it, he should have learned how to surmount it. He should have learned how to survive it.
He was now looking into the eyes of the potentially biggest rejection of his life. He took her hand and clasped it firmly.
She clasped his hand equally firmly. A tear squirted out of her eye. She cleared her throat and said ever so quietly, “I love you, too.”
She then unclenched her hand. She looked down and then took a deep breath. Dropping Carl’s hand, she took another sip of her Chardonnay. And then she said, “I love you, Carl. Listen, I’ve got to think about things. I’ve got to…. I’ve got to….”
She suddenly stood up. And she walked out of the bar.
Carl sat there in a state of stupor for a very long time. He was profoundly unaware of the country western music reverberating throughout the nightclub. He was profoundly unaware of every thought going through his mind. He was profoundly unaware of every emotion ping-ponging through his reality. He was suddenly profoundly numb.
He ordered another drink and sat there slowly drinking it in his state of numbness. He re-entered the state of confusion that he had been living in for several months.
Carl eventually went home to the tiny apartment he had rented upon arriving in this Texas town. He did not even bother undressing. He plopped down onto his bed and fell into a fit-full night of sleep.
The next morning Carl awoke in a state of utter confusion and stayed in that state throughout the day. He had moved to this godforsaken town in Texas for the sole purpose of being close to Rebecca. His sole focus had been to be close to her. And now he had finally met up with her, seen her, touched her. Her mixed response gave him hope that there was still a chance of being with her but it simultaneously left him in a state of hopelessness.
He had hoped to have taken her home and made love to her (he even cleaned his new little apartment) but he awoke alone and went through his day in confusion. It was his day off from work and he somehow managed to get a lot of things done but he was mentally absent from those chores. His day off from work was a day spent in anguish.
It was in the early evening that his phone rang. It was like an electric current racing throughout his body. Was it her?
But it was not Rebecca. It was Cindy…. his wife.
It was the one person he emphatically did not want to talk to on this day when his thoughts were steeped in Rebecca.
“Carl?”
“Uh…. yeah?”
“Oh, thank goodness. I’m so glad I could get through to you. I’ve been trying to call you. I…. I just had to talk to you….”
“Yeah?”
“Oh Carl, I…. I…. I’ve just had the worst day….”
“Yeah?”
Cindy began crying. She finally caught her breath, “Carl, Gilbert and I just broke up.”
Gilbert was Carl’s best friend and it was when Cindy began a secret love affair with Gilbert that Carl and Cindy’s marriage suddenly began deteriorating. She fooled around on him with his best friend. Carl was betrayed on two fronts.
“Carl? Are you there?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, Carl! I was such a fool to betray you. I’m so sorry. I…. uh…. well, you know Gilbert. He attracts women like honey. He can fuck anyone he wants to. He’s so goddam irresistible…. He’s…. Well, you know…. I really thought that I loved him, but….”
Carl was filled with joy that Cindy and Gilbert had broken up. But at the same time he was extremely perturbed being reminded of that fatal liaison. Finding out that his wife was having a love affair with his best friend was like a knife ripping through his heart and now being reminded of it only brought back the pain and agony.
“Carl?”
“Yeah?”
“Carl, I’m utterly shattered. I now realize what a horrible mistake I made. I can’t even begin to ask your forgiveness…. I know I fucked up…. I was…. just wrong. I now finally realize how much I love you and what I gave up. I really, really fucked up. Can you even begin to understand where I’m coming from? Can you ever forgive me?”
Carl said nothing.
“Carl, I am so goddam, fucking sorry. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I just fucked up and I regret it so much. I’ve been crying all fucking day long realizing what a mistake I made. I’ve been crying realizing how much I love you and what I did to you. Oh Carl, I am so sorry!”
Carl remained silent.
“Carl?”
He very slowly responded, “Yeah?”
“You know what happened to me today? It had been the worst day of my life. I was pulling my hair out. I was going bat shit crazy. I was seriously losing my mind. But then I did something crazy and it all changed. You know what I did?”
“No.”
“I went to my jewelry box and took out my wedding ring. I put it on and as I put it on a soothing calm came over me. I suddenly felt sane again. I suddenly felt whole again. I instantly relaxed and I started thinking about you. I felt the incredible joy I felt when we got married and we put our rings on each other’s fingers. Do you remember that? That’s when I realized how badly I screwed up. Just putting that ring on my finger instantly brought me closer to you again. I could feel our love. Do you ever put on your wedding ring?”
Carl had not worn his wedding ring in months, “Uh…. well…. uh…. it’s been a while.”
“You still have the ring, don’t you?”
“Yeah, uh…. sure,” Carl went over to his dresser and opened the box of precious mementos atop the dresser. The box held photos and trinkets from every one of his relationships. He dug down to the bottom of the box and pulled out his wedding ring. Cradling the phone on his shoulder, he used both his hands to slip the wedding ring onto his finger.”
“Carl, are you there?”
“Yeah, yeah. I just put on my wedding ring.”
“Really? So, uh, how does it feel?”
It felt good but it also felt very, very scary, “Uh…. it feels wonderful.”
“Can you feel the bond? Can you feel our bond? Do you remember how we felt when we got married? Can you feel me through the ring? Can you feel me?”
“Yeah.”
Carl and Cindy talked on the phone for the next hour. Their entire past came flooding in like a tsunami — both the good and the bad. Carl found himself wishing that they were there together in person. Though no commitments were made, they finally got off the phone.
Carl went to the refrigerator. Opening it, he saw that he only had one beer left. He opened it and proceeded to the couch in the living room. He needed to sit down and think. He was suddenly more confused than he had ever been in his life.
He was halfway to the couch when suddenly there came a knocking at his door.
Carl froze. Sheer, ungodly dread abruptly enveloped him. Very slowly, he set down his beer and went to the front door. Opening it, he saw that it was Rebecca.
She quickly walked into the apartment then turned around to face Carl, “Oh Carl, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met at the bar. I am so, so sorry. I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m so glad you moved here and we can be together again. Oh Carl, I love you so much!”
They fell into each other’s arms and kissed with a world of passion for a very long time. When they finally separated Rebecca ran her hands over his face, “Oh Carl, you don’t know how much it feels to have you back in my life. You have made me so happy coming here. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you!”
She stepped back and, with arms in the air, she twirled around like a ballerina, “Oh Carl, let’s never hurt each other again. I love you so much! I love your face, I love your voice, I love the feel of you next to me, I love your hands….”
Just then Rebecca’s field of vision dropped from Carl’s face to his hands….
….and she saw the wedding ring on his finger!
Her demeanor abruptly changed, “Seriously? Are you fucking serious? You tell me you’ve come back for me but you’re still wearing your goddam mother-fucking wedding ring? What kind of smug, fucking, bastard, asshole are you? And how fucking stupid can I possibly be to fall for your stupid, loathsome shit! You’re a worthless goddam bastard, you stupid fuck! Goddam you to hell!”
Rebecca walked up to Carl and, with both hands, pushed him in his chest sending him reeling back a few feet. She then walked out the door.
Carl never saw her again.
Carl slammed the door behind her. He began pacing. He was in the most intense state of confusion he had ever been in. He felt anger and love and every emotion in between. He hated himself and he hated all women. He was mad and he was sad. He felt stupid and he felt betrayed. He felt hopeless and helpless and hurt and angry and he felt as though his short life was now over.
In his pacing he grabbed the almost full bottle of beer from where he had set it down when Rebecca had knocked on his door. With all the force he could summon he threw the bottle of beer against the living room wall where it shattered into an explosion of broken glass and beer.
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his car keys. He left the apartment and went out to his car. With a squealing of tires, he left the parking lot and headed for the highway. Once on the highway he drove at a reckless speed, not knowing where he was going.
Eventually, he saw a road sign that announced the exit to a local state park. He took the exit and soon he was parked by a small lake. Getting out of the car, he began walking. He ended up walking all the way around the little lake. For the most part, he was oblivious to the night-time sounds of nature, the stillness and quiet of the lake. He just walked and walked, a thousand thoughts running through his mind.
When he had completely circled the lake, returning to where he started, he stopped and looked out over the lake. In the night-time the lake was black save for the reflection of the full moon upon the surface of the lake. He stood still for a few minutes, taking deep breaths. Then he pulled the wedding ring off his finger and, with all his might, threw the ring out into the lake where it landed without a sound and sank to the bottom of the lake.
Then he slowly moved his focus from the reflection of the moon on the surface of the lake up into the dark night sky….
….and he cursed the moon.
The next day Carl went to his job to collect his first paycheck and tell his boss that he quit. No notice.
After cashing the check he went to his apartment and began packing. The next morning he had all his possessions packed in his car and he left the apartment parking lot for the last time (no squealing of tires). Once he got to the highway he headed east. He had no earthly idea where he was going. All he knew is that he was leaving everything in his life behind.
Eventually, he saw a road sign which gave the mileage to Austin, Houston and New Orleans. A light bulb went off in Carl’s mind when he saw, “New Orleans.” His old college roommate lived in New Orleans! Maybe he could call up his old roommate and invite himself to visit and perhaps spend a few nights on the roommate’s couch until he found a job and a place to stay.
A week later Carl was living in New Orleans and had a new job and a new apartment. His goal was to stay as far away from women as he could until he got his life back in order. The last thing he needed was more heartache. He left his entire past behind him.
Six weeks later he met a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy woman with red hair cascading all the way down to the small of her back. Before he knew it, he was knee-deep in a very hot love affair. Yes, she was married but in bed she did things that far surpassed any of Carl’s fantasies. Soon, they were making love multiple times a day. He was sure that he had met the love of his life.
When she broke up with him several weeks later (and returned to her husband) Carl got in his car and drove down to Lake Pontchartrain. He had grown fond of that very large lake and had often went for walks along its shores.
Brokenhearted, that evening he walked the shores of that famous lake for a couple of hours. Finally, he looked out over the dark waters of the lake, at the reflection of the moon on the water. He had no ring to throw into the lake so he looked around him and grabbed a baseball-sized rock and threw that with all his might into the lake.
Then he looked up into the night sky and cursed the moon.
The next day Carl quit his job and loaded up his car with his possessions and hit the highway heading east. He had no idea where he was going but he was leaving his past behind him.
He ended up on the east coast of Florida where he got a job and a place to live. He put all thoughts of women out of his mind and proceeded to start his life all over again.
His woman-less life was going great for a couple of months until he met a black Jamaican woman with dreadlocks that cascaded down below her ass. He fell hopelessly head over heels in love.
A couple of months later when the Jamaican woman broke up with him Carl headed down to the beach where he walked the sand for hours. Finally, he stopped walking and stared out over the Atlantic Ocean and the moon reflected off the surf. He looked around for a rock to throw into the ocean but there was nothing but sand. He finally found a piece of driftwood and, with all his might, he threw it into the ocean. He then looked up into the night sky….
….and cursed the moon.
Carl was quickly on the road again, this time heading north. He ended up in Kentucky where he went through the very same pattern of events. This time it was a woman with a very sexy southern accent and long, cascading blonde hair. Luckily, when she dumped him there was a nearby lake which Carl could walk around, throw a rock into and….
….curse the moon.
Carl then moved to Wyoming where he, once again, went through the very same pattern of events. After cursing the moon he then moved to Oregon where he, once again, went through the very same pattern of events.
Luckily for Carl, wherever he moved there was always a body of water nearby. Whether it was a pond or lake or ocean, it was always a place where he could go to connect to something that was bigger than himself and then throw something into it then look up into the night sky….
….and curse the moon.
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.
