Thanks to That Person Who Made Me Feel Like I Was a Nobody

KTHT Weekly Prompts for the Week of August 1–5

Up until a few years ago, I was a haggard, weary, hot mess. Mornings were undoubtedly the worst because I had to face the hopelessness of my existence and the bleakness of my future yet again.

I was, in short, a zombie — just not the flesh-eating type.

3 years later, I look nothing like that person.

No, I don’t mean face-altering plastic surgery or botox. Instead, the credit goes to newfound self-esteem and confidence after a lifetime of being plagued by feelings of worthless and helplessness.

Part of that negativity came from a long-term codependent relationship but a lot of it had to do with living with a narcissist.

The change happened when I stopped playing the victim.

Wait, what?

Yes, you heard right. When I realized that all I got was pity from other women and their husbands, and “men will be men, it is up to us women to comprise” bs from back home and a slew of pills to help me deal with “having too much time to brood,” I knew nobody was going to save me except myself.

I had had a bad night. Who am I kidding — it was one in a series of rough nights and I had put off running an errand till the very last minute. So I pulled on my winter coat over my pajamas and dragged my groggy, disheveled self to the post office to mail important paperwork to my divorce lawyer.

This was Covid, mind you, and every establishment had those little circles that were 6 feet apart to maintain social distancing.

Even though his perfume assailed my nostrils, I failed to register the tall, dark guy in an expensive designer suit standing way away from the cashier at the post office. He gruffly cleared his throat to grab my attention and flicked his head to the spot behind him.

He didn’t deem me worthy enough to speak to.

To add insult to injury, he even took a step away from me probably because I didn’t reek of fancy perfume.

Perhaps there are no people like me in his world — tired, shabby, and doped up on sleeping pills. People there could very well be clad in designer wear — looking their best 24/7, in a world where divorces are always civilized and painless.

I felt so small and ashamed for being judged and found lacking.

Who you read today is no damsel in distress. Rather, I’d rescue the gentleman in distress should the need arise.

This could be the result of the realization that fairy tales are just that — tales that belong in a book. Contrary to popular belief, you have to slay your own dragons and face life head-on, oftentimes alone.

What am I saying?

Rewind.

I wished life was like a fairy tale. No dysfunctional families, no dark family secrets, just one happily ever after. I would be lying if I didn’t say I used to look at the faces of compassionate men I used to come across and wonder if they were going to be my valiant rescuer.

But that was just wishful thinking.

To make them a reality you have to do your part to make them happen.

And the first step is accepting the situation you are in is not good for you.

I for one certainly don’t want to die with my epitaph reading: “She went into the night quietly accepting her fate.”

No.

This girl here will go into the night after she stood up for herself and showed others that just because life dealt you a sh*tty hand, it need not be the end.

For me, it is just the beginning…beauty from ashes.

Listen, if you want to get out of a bad situation, you need to STOP your self-limiting beliefs because:

• It is never too late.
• You are never too old to start over.
• The world has not passed you by.
• You may have to try one more time or a few more times in order to get it right.
• It’s not true that you’re not going to be good at anything.
• Know that adopting a passive attitude or I can’t do anything about my situation type of thinking will never make the problem go away.

You know, I never dreamt I had words in me.

I thought I was unworthy of love.

The parting shot from my ex was that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps because I was overweight, losing hair, and not ‘exciting’ enough like the bevy of skimpily clad gals on whatchamacallit.

I’m not a teeny bit apologetic when I say that the joke’s on him.

Ha!

Lost the weight, lost the bald spot, did a ton of inner work, regained self-confidence, and last but not least, found love with a handsome doctor who is younger than me.

But none of this would have been possible if I hadn’t taken that initial first step.

Yes, I do know how scary it can be because I have been there but if not now, then when?

Related reading by Yana Bostongirl

Thanks to KTHT editors Spyder, jules, Ravyne Hawke and Diana C.