It’s a compliment, not a confrontation

Thank You. Thank You Very Much.

Why do we struggle with two little words?

My friend Jeanelle is a marketing genius. Her brands regularly beat the competition, her campaigns win awards. But when someone congratulates her on a job well done, this booming brand evangelist sinks into the floor. She blushes, stammers something about how she didn’t do it alone, and turns away.

Whether the comment is about the power of her latest advertisement or the color of her new top, Jeanelle simply can’t get those two words out. And she’s not alone.

Why do so many women struggle to say thank you to a well-deserved compliment?

Saying thank you means that you accept credit: for the action, the outcome, the success. But as women, we are taught that we must be gracious, modest. We must give credit to others, even if they don’t deserve it. We are taught to devalue ourselves.

Confidence, not arrogance

When complimented, too many of us tone down our replies because we don’t want to appear arrogant. We listen to men replying to similar compliments and cringe. Their responses, which range from a rare but simple ‘thanks’ to a long disquisition on exactly how they built that bridge across the Hudson single-handedly, sound to us like shouting ‘I am perfect’ from the rooftops.

We worry so much about sounding conceited that we bury our light under a basket.

Arrogant people cannot open their mouths without talking about themselves and their accomplishments. Jeanelle and I worked with someone like this for years. In every conversation, Tom had to one-up the rest of us. His work was harder, his car was faster, even his mishaps and injuries were more extreme. Sadly, he never realized that we thought less of him for his bragging, not more.

People who relentlessly inflate their own accomplishments, particularly in comparison to yours, should be pitied, not emulated. They haven’t learned to say thank you.

Saying thank you when someone recognizes your abilities, hard work or good taste is not arrogance. It tells the other person that you appreciate your own worth, and that you appreciate that they noticed. In effect, you are validating their wisdom or good taste. An honest, simple thank you shows confidence and empathy, without any need to put others down. In my experience, confident people give shorter thank yous, and say ‘I’ less than their arrogant counterparts.

Overcome the Likeability Penalty

Women pay a penalty in the workplace in for not being perceived as likeable. Women seen as too aggressive (AKA assertive), are considered less able to lead. Women must be confident but not too confident, assertive but not abrasive, humble but not a doormat. Cynthia Nixon’s recent video, Be a Lady, summed it up beautifully.

Some days it feels like we can’t win. It’s enough to make anyone shy away from opening her mouth for any reason.

Say thank you anyway

Saying thank you acknowledges and validates the other person’s opinion. Saying thank you has been shown to encourage the recipient to want a stronger relationship with the thanker (what this study called ‘facilitating affiliation.’ In a work setting, those close relationships can counteract the likeability penalty.

Open your mouth and let the words out

Thanking someone who complements you isn’t difficult: just open your mouth and let the words flow out. Try it now: say thank you. Out loud. For no reason. Easy, right? And just as easy to type. So there is no physical block to acknowledging a complement.

If there’s no physical block to saying thank you, it must be in your head. Imposter Syndrome, embarrassment, fear of sounding arrogant, fear of being the center of attention. Shying away from emotions at work. Now is the time to get past that. The next time someone complements you, just say thank you.

Thanks for noticing

If just ‘thank you’ feels too short, try restating their complement with your thanks.

Them: Great campaign, I like the photo you used in the ad

You: Thank you, the photo really is eye-catching

Them: Great dress, that color really suits you

You: Thank you, I love greens.

Them: Great job on the new strategic plan

You: Thank you, I enjoy strategic projects

The possibilities are endless:

Thank you, I am also pleased with how it turned out

Thank you, I am proud of our team’s success

Go out and shine

Start saying thank you today. Stop downplaying your achievements. Let your confidence shine through.

If you don’t consider yourself worthy of recognition, why should anyone else?

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