Thank you, my toxic relationship

How I become who I always wanted to be due to my toxic relationship

If I have to pick one thing that I appreciate the most in life, it’d be my toxic relationship.

The relationship was passionate yet poisonous; nurturing yet destructive; inspiring yet soul-sucking; incredibly beautiful yet excruciatingly painful. I never knew I could love someone so wholeheartedly and selflessly, nor did I know that I possess such an unbelievably dark and destructive power inside me.

It was the toughest 3.5 years in my life but I couldn’t be more thankful for it.

Here’s the story of love, heartbreak and rebirth.

Love

I was 20 years old when I met my partner online.

Ever since the first date, it felt like everything just clicked. I had everything I wanted in a relationship: we shared the same values, we had similar hobbies, future vision and lifestyle. It was effortless to be myself around him and we had a lot of fun together.

He was caring and attentive: he would help me with work, give valuable advice in life, cook tasty meals, and help me financially as I was a student and he worked full-time.

Meanwhile I was sweet and romantic: I’d handwrite letters and hand make gifts when there were important relationship milestones.

We have been on lots of amazing trips together: Bali in Indonesia, Niseko and Okinawa in Japan, London and Cambridge in the UK and more. We spent culturally significant holidays with each other’s family.

When I was 22, we moved in together, and it was my first time living with a partner. It was a big deal for me then as I come from a conservative family where cohabitation is not encouraged before marriage.

Everything seemed perfect, except it’s not.

Heartbreak

Little did I know, everything was built on a lie.

In the beginning, I was the happiest and luckiest person on earth. Until 2 months into our relationship, he confessed that he had an ongoing 6-year relationship with a girl back home. He had to tell me because the girl was soon going to fly with his parents to visit him in Hong Kong, where we live.

I felt like I was struck by lightning and the pain travelled through my core, and went deeper, and deeper.

The ending to that incident was my forgiveness.

I have always been a trusting person and believe in the inherent goodness in people. I chose to forgive a lie like that because I thought everyone deserves a second chance and he would change. Or it could be due to my lack of self-esteem and not believing that I deserve someone better.

So the toxic relationship continued for another 3 years or so.

A roller coaster ride is an understatement for our relationship.

It was more like hiking up to Mount Everest and skydiving down towards the bottom, on repeat.

From his side, there were continuous lies which fueled my anger, insecurity and mistrust. As an emotionally immature young adult, I acted out my emotions unproportionally which in return, amplified his avoidance and pushed him to close his heart and made up increasingly hurtful lies. Eventually the relationship became an endless negative emotional loop with no escape.

I didn’t know that communication would have helped.

I did not have the knowledge, skills or capabilities to deal with toxic relationships as I unfortunately had not learned from my own upbringing.

All my weaknesses, insecurities, fear, shame, childhood trauma were triggered by the toxic relationship and I did not know why or how to deal with them. When overwhelming emotions hit, my sensibility switched off and the primal fight or flight mode took control, and you guessed it, it was a disaster.

After dragging the relationship unnecessarily long and causing utmost pain and sadness to each other, we eventually split up.

Rebirth

I was utterly confused, lost and in pain after the breakup.

Throughout the entirety of my toxic relationship, I thought I was simply broken, unloveable and unworthy. I internalised things and blamed myself for the failure of the it.

However, my last sense of sensibility and the inherent curiosity inside me urged me to look for the root cause. Or perhaps to find all the comfort and help I could possibly get so I wouldn’t drown in the sea of sorrow.

Then I found myself frequenting the psychology section of a bookstore.

It was a beautiful bookstore chain from Taiwan called Eslite. The ambiance was cosy and welcoming: the warm orange lights comfort the eyes and lift the mood; thousands of books lay orderly on the oak wood shelves; and the best of all, the bubble tea stand there always gave out a delightful and inviting milky tea fragrance.

It was all I needed.

Books always give me comfort and the answers I seek.

This time was no exception — I dived right into the books on human behaviour, psychology especially trauma, relationship, neuroscience etc. In the beginning reading was a mere source of distraction, but many books later, I found myself feeling enormously empowered, and the new gained knowledge gave me so much clarity and strength.

Another life-saver after my breakup was meditation.

I came across an Instagram ad for an app called Calm, which is a meditation app that claims to increase mental health and overall wellness. As I was desperate to improve my situation, I decided to give it a try. I was following the guided meditation on the app everyday as I found great comfort in the woman’s soothing voice. A lot of the days, listening to her was the only way I could relax and fall asleep.

After listening to all the genres available on Calm (anxiety, depression, trauma etc.) for a few months, I started to make sense of my feelings and started to heal.

For the first time in my life, I understood why I behaved the way I did;

For the first time, I learned that it’s okay to feel all the emotions I had;

For the first time, I genuinely believed I am not flawed and am actually worthy of love.

And all this self-discovery and growth would never have happened had I not been through that toxic relationship.

Present

My learning journey never stopped.

I continued to read, listen to podcasts, attend workshops to learn about myself and make peace with my past.

Slowly but steadily, I become more emotionally mature by acquiring all the knowledge about the human mind, communication, teamwork, empathy etc.

Through trial and error in dating, I also slowly formed a healthy and realistic vision for my future.

Fast forward 6 years after the break up, I finally found the one.

On a scuba diving trip to the stunning Great Barrier Reefs in Cairns, Australia, I met my current partner on the dive boat. He is the most emotionally mature, genuine, calm, caring, and loving person I’ve ever met. 1 month after the trip, we decided to start a relationship despite living in different countries.

We have been together for 13 months now and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

It is a dream come true — I couldn’t be happier and I am very confident about our future together.

Closing words

I am eternally grateful for the toxic relationship I had.

Without it, I wouldn’t start to reflect, learn, and improve. I wouldn’t be who I am now — confident, self-compassionate and empathetic. I wouldn’t be able to attract my dream partner nor would I be able to build and maintain such a strong partnership.

I love this quote from my friend:

‘The hardships in life are mostly blessings in disguise’.

If you are going through a breakup or any tough period in life, please take comfort that you are not alone and this too shall pass. Once you get through it, you will come out the other side stronger, smarter and more resilient than ever.

I wish you lots of love and light.

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