Thank You For Showing Me How to Love Myself

A retrospective look at healing my past relationships

Leon was my first crush.

We went to a one-room school on Mt Hamilton, which rests 4,000 feet above the Bay Area in Northern California. When I moved up there in 2nd grade, there were only eight students. It was 1980. Leon caught my eye right away. I don’t know how long I thought of him this way. It might’ve been years since we were in the same classroom until I moved away in 6th grade.

Leon was oblivious to my feelings. He didn’t pay much attention to me. He taught me about unrequited love. He showed me how it felt to notice and admire someone from afar. He was the first reminder of how much I wanted someone to notice and admire me.

Around 4th or 5th grade, I kissed a boy because he paid attention to me.

The school children gathered around us in the bushes and chanted for us to kiss. We touched lips and everyone cheered (I think that’s how it went). We ‘went around together’ for a day or two. He gave me some lined paper as a gift. I broke up with him, explaining it wasn’t working out.

I learned I could accept attention, but I didn’t have to get it from everyone. Jon didn’t give me the heart-thumping surge I’d felt with Leon. He taught me how to be true to my feelings.

I remember this as an adult. If you’re not into someone, don’t date them. I’ve only tried this a handful of times. One of them was my kids’ dad. I’ll elaborate on him later.

Hootly was a quiet boy with a unique name.

He was adorable. I got to have a locker beside him in 7th grade. We had homeroom together. I wasn’t sure how to handle my big feelings. I’d admire him every day, wondering what he thought of me.

One day, I decided to ask him to go out with me. I wrote him a little note and put it in his locker. I can’t recall how or if he answered. But I do remember him looking at me. It was one of many awkward moments when I was 12.

The next memory is when I saw him at our first Jr High dance. We were sitting across the room from each other, not dancing. I walked over and asked him to dance to “You’re The Inspiration” by Chicago. He said yes. I was wearing a pastel pink and blue skirt I’d sewn myself in Home Economics class. We were almost the same height. My heart raced as he placed his hand on my waist. We also danced to George Michael’s “Careless Whisper.”

I had an opportunity to be brave and show Hootly how I felt about him. He showed me how it felt for someone to reciprocate. I heard later he wasn’t interested in girls. He showed unconditional love by choosing to dance with me. Now I have such sweet memories to hold forever in my heart.

Chris was my first high school boyfriend.

He might read this someday. We met in our Home Economics class. We cooked meals together and laughed at silly things only we would understand. I was 17 years old. It was the age when everything seemed to happen to me. Chris rocked my world. We matched in many ways. We started writing love notes to each other right away. You know how fast everything happens when you’re a teenager. I wish I still had the ones he wrote to me. I kept them for a couple of decades before I felt the need to clear old memorabilia.

Chris and I had classic first love moments together. Our first kiss was magical, on top of a hill, sunshine surrounding us with a spectacular view and the wind blowing. We went camping when our parents thought we were on a club field trip. It was the first time I had sex. I won’t share too much about it here. I’ll only say I’m grateful I chose him because he’s a sensitive and kind human.

He went through a period of ignoring me, though. He broke up with me after three weeks of seeing each other. It felt like a lifetime back then. But we remain friends. He’s special to me and I cherish him.

Chris taught me so much about myself. I learned how to heal from the pain of a breakup with someone I loved. I experienced a lot of firsts with him. I showed him my everything. He showed me I could be vulnerable and how to communicate my feelings. It took me a long time to get over him. We’ve both healed old wounds and hold our memories with tenderness.

It’s hard to talk about Joaquin.

I know he’ll want to remain anonymous. I gave him a name only he’ll recognize. He was my last significant boyfriend before I met the father of my children.

It was almost like falling in love. I had an intense infatuation with this man. We were friends for years. When we began dating, I thought I’d be with him forever. It felt like I’d been with him in a past life.

He didn’t want to have more children. I yearned for pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. I wished he’d changed his mind. Otherwise, we shared values and energetically seemed to match up.

There was one heart-wrenching problem, though. His alcoholic relapse led me to neglect my needs and focus on his illness. We spiraled into a heartbreaking disaster. He was the catalyst for addressing my codependency. I owe him thanks for pushing me toward the path of recovery.

Joaquin taught me to love myself more than I ever had before.

To do this, I needed to let go of him. I put a period at the end of our sentence. I learned to detach with love. I cut the cord between us. I decided to place the focus on myself and began to heal.

We’ve been apart since 2009. He taught me the importance of boundaries. He showed me part of his heart when he couldn’t love himself yet. I know he wanted to love me with his best self. One day I’ll hear about it. But for now, I don’t try to contact him. He doesn’t reach out to me. I love him anyway.

I connected with Josh at a sober dance while looking for Joaquin.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. We’d met at a 12-step meeting about a month earlier. I considered him a potential friend, nothing more. I asked him to dance. I wasn’t physically attracted to him until we touched. Then he turned me on. Now I have a theory. I believe our daughter brought us together this way.

As people in recovery sometimes do, we moved at an accelerated pace. We danced for hours and kissed at midnight and beyond, on New Years in 2011. I asked him if he wanted kids. His answer set the tone for our relationship. He said, “Either way.” Our oldest daughter was born in November of that year.

I tried to convince myself I had more than a platonic interest in him.

I initiated reunions several times. We’ve been apart more often than we’ve been together. His codependency and addiction have complicated things. Not to mention, I didn’t feel the spark.

He’s healthy now, but I know we’re meant to be platonic friends and coparents. I had copious conversations that felt like personal monologues. He deferred to me for most parenting decisions.

Here’s what I’ve learned. Parenting with someone you’re not in love with can be complicated. My desire to be a parent clouded my judgment. I learned to be patient. I learned to maintain boundaries, speak my truth, make compromises. I’m gentle with myself for the choices I’ve made. It’s awkward to know I want to be with my kids but not their dad.

I appreciate our relationship. We’re fortunate to get along well. He provides reliable financial support. He shows respect for me and loves our kids.

Then there’s Kyle.

We met in high school thirty years ago. The first time I saw him, he was walking across the quad, fingers running through his bangs. We started hanging out after Chris broke up with me. Not much time had passed, but I was able to redirect my focus. Kyle has a way of commanding my attention.

We talked for hours. We got stoned at the beach with our friends. We pondered the meaning of life and laughed until past curfew. One day we were listening to John Lennon’s ‘Mind Games’ in my living room. We were talking about peace and love for everyone on the planet. Then we had our first kiss. He wasn’t my boyfriend, but I knew I was important to him. We were lovers and friends. I remember when he said he loved me.

We didn’t have any conflict or drama between us. But we never made our union official, either. He left for New Orleans soon after. He was special to me, but I didn’t write my feelings for him in my journal. I’m not sure why I didn’t express the his impact on me. He recently told me he didn’t know why he disappeared on me.

We reconnected in March 2019 and got re-acquainted by talking regularly on the phone. It was as though no time had passed. He’s as passionate as ever. Our energies match perfectly. We understand and relate to each other. We always talk for at least an hour. He currently lives 1,239 miles away. But when we’re on the phone, I feel like he’s next to me.

I’ve learned to trust the process. It’s hard to maintain a long-distance relationship. We haven’t talked about doing it yet. Lately, he hasn’t been available to connect. I haven’t asked him how he currently feels about me. When he’s suddenly absent, it’s hard not to wonder.

We plan to visit each other soon. We’ll see how that goes. I have a good feeling about coming together. But I still have questions. Since we connect so well, what’s our true purpose together? Are we meant to be lifelong mates? Why does he still disappear on occasion?

I’m still learning what it means to reconnect with Kyle. I accept whatever comes, but I do have desires. For now, I’m honoring how I feel. When we talk again, I’ll share my truth with him.

Final thoughts

Sometimes we might think our past relationships didn’t teach us anything valuable about ourselves. But I’ve discovered they’re all a part of an intricate web, connecting me to my authentic self. I learned what I want, what I don’t want. I needed to revisit past love relationships to heal.

I didn’t mention everyone else who impacted me. Some remain friends. One wanted to reunite but we’ve grown apart, we’re like totally different people. I talked to another dear friend (and ex-lover) yesterday who was touched by a kind message I sent him. He expressed his love and support for me.

I’ve finally processed some things. I figured out my old patterns. I looked back so I can move forward. I’m healing the past wounds. I’ve done my research, I’ve said most of what I needed to say. I’ve cut our old cords. Now I’m preparing myself for a healthy relationship.

If two past lovers can remain friends, it’s either, they were never really in love, or they still are.

Let’s stay in touch. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, or my personal blog at gratefulx365.wordpress.com. Submit your amazing stories and follow my Medium publication, Gratefully Yours. Email me at [email protected]. Thanks for reading.