avatarJ & J (Jessica & Joshua J. Lyon, BSQP, CNP)

Summary

The website content is a satirical take on an automated doctor's office phone system, highlighting the absurdity and inefficiency of navigating through a complex menu of options.

Abstract

The provided text describes an exaggerated and humorous version of an automated phone system for a doctor's office. It begins with a warning to call 911 in case of a medical emergency and then lists a series of absurd and comical options for callers, such as dealing with thoughts of suicide, renting a backhoe, or being stalked by a male. The system also humorously addresses modern inconveniences like needing to prove one is not a robot, dealing with potential medical scams, and the difficulty of navigating through automated menus. The text ends with a futile attempt by the caller to report a staff member named Samuel, only to be looped back into the automated system.

Opinions

  • The content satirizes the often frustrating experience of interacting with automated phone systems, implying they are poorly designed and inefficient.
  • There is a clear critique of the healthcare system, suggesting that patients' real needs and emergencies are not adequately addressed by automated systems.
  • The mention of needing to prove one is not a robot during a phone call pokes fun at the excessive use of CAPTCHAs and security checks in customer service interactions.
  • The inclusion of humorous and unrelated options, such as renting a backhoe or being chased by someone in a Jesus costume, underscores the absurdity of overly complex phone tree menus.
  • The text implies that patients may feel their concerns are not taken seriously, as evidenced by the looping back into the automated system after attempting to report a staff member.
  • The satirical nature of the content suggests a desire for more straightforward, human-centered communication in healthcare services.

Thank You For Calling Your Doctor

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

*Automated System: Thank you for calling your doctor. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

  • If you are having thoughts of suicide, press or say 1 now.
  • If you are needing to rent a backhoe, please hang up and dial 811.
  • If you are being stalked by a male, please send him to the rejection hotline at 888–447–5594.
  • If you think you might have been exposed to Yara, Ebola, or if have scratched your Basic Training smallpox shot and then rubbed your eyes, please press or scream 2.
  • At any time during this call feel free to grab a coffee. Our new technology will automatically pause the call when it senses your face is away from the phone. To opt out of this, say or press 3 now.
  • If you feel you have reached this number in error, press 4 to be given more information about this medical group.
  • If you think you might have been exposed to bull shit and are at risk of infection, press or say 5 now.
  • If you need visual or audio assistance with this phone call, press 6 now.
  • If you have been chased by a man in a Jesus Halloween costume, believe your neighbor is an alien transformer, or have found evidence that you or someone in your family might have a suspicious tendency to howl at full moons, press or say 7 now and be directed to an answering machine that is not monitored.
  • To skip the line and be directed to the office you called for, please visit our website. You can find our website on the Internet.
  • If you need to fill your prescription, press 8 now and please have your Amazon credit card, social security information, and any goods you wish to barter ready.
  • To hear about our coffee and athletic groups, press 9, then wait for the next menu, and then press 9 again.
  • To access the menu press or whisper 9 now. Again, thank you for calling your doctor.

*9 Pressed

  • If you would like to report your doctor or anyone else on staff, press 1 now.
  • Due to the current state of affairs, if you feel you have been medically scammed, press 2 now.

*0 pressed for operator

  • I’m sorry, that is a not a number.
  • If you need assistance with transportation, press 3 now.
  • If you feel as though you are transmitting some sort of radiation or any variety space dust, please do not come into the office. Contact your local FEMA station at — actually we do not have that information. You can, probably, find it on the Internet.
  • For English press 15, or say the number “15” in Latin.

*1 out of “ 15” pressed — automatically transferred to report doctor or staff.

Staff: Hello, my name is Samuel. I apologize for any inconvenience one or more of our doctors or staff members have caused you. To begin this process, I have to verify you are not a robot. What is the smallest planet?

Me: Wait, we're on the phone?

Samuel: I’m sorry, that is not the correct response. You have two additional attempts to answer the prompt.

Me: …

Samuel: To pass this conversational CAPTCHA.

Me: Mercu —

Samuel: To prove that you are not a robot.

Me: ….I tried to press fifteen

Staff: Then why did you press 1?

Me: Yes, okay, so I would like to report a staff member.

Staff: Super! What is this person’s name?

Me: Samuel.

Staff: I’m sorry, this action is not accepted. Let me transfer you.

  • Automated System: Thank you for calling your doctor, if this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.

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Humor
Satire
Healthcare
Automated Software
Storytelling
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