Thank You For Calling Your Doctor

*Automated System: Thank you for calling your doctor. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.
- If you are having thoughts of suicide, press or say 1 now.
- If you are needing to rent a backhoe, please hang up and dial 811.
- If you are being stalked by a male, please send him to the rejection hotline at 888–447–5594.
- If you think you might have been exposed to Yara, Ebola, or if have scratched your Basic Training smallpox shot and then rubbed your eyes, please press or scream 2.
- At any time during this call feel free to grab a coffee. Our new technology will automatically pause the call when it senses your face is away from the phone. To opt out of this, say or press 3 now.
- If you feel you have reached this number in error, press 4 to be given more information about this medical group.
- If you think you might have been exposed to bull shit and are at risk of infection, press or say 5 now.
- If you need visual or audio assistance with this phone call, press 6 now.
- If you have been chased by a man in a Jesus Halloween costume, believe your neighbor is an alien transformer, or have found evidence that you or someone in your family might have a suspicious tendency to howl at full moons, press or say 7 now and be directed to an answering machine that is not monitored.
- To skip the line and be directed to the office you called for, please visit our website. You can find our website on the Internet.
- If you need to fill your prescription, press 8 now and please have your Amazon credit card, social security information, and any goods you wish to barter ready.
- To hear about our coffee and athletic groups, press 9, then wait for the next menu, and then press 9 again.
- To access the menu press or whisper 9 now. Again, thank you for calling your doctor.
*9 Pressed
- If you would like to report your doctor or anyone else on staff, press 1 now.
- Due to the current state of affairs, if you feel you have been medically scammed, press 2 now.
*0 pressed for operator
- I’m sorry, that is a not a number.
- If you need assistance with transportation, press 3 now.
- If you feel as though you are transmitting some sort of radiation or any variety space dust, please do not come into the office. Contact your local FEMA station at — actually we do not have that information. You can, probably, find it on the Internet.
- For English press 15, or say the number “15” in Latin.
*1 out of “ 15” pressed — automatically transferred to report doctor or staff.
Staff: Hello, my name is Samuel. I apologize for any inconvenience one or more of our doctors or staff members have caused you. To begin this process, I have to verify you are not a robot. What is the smallest planet?
Me: Wait, we're on the phone?
Samuel: I’m sorry, that is not the correct response. You have two additional attempts to answer the prompt.
Me: …
Samuel: To pass this conversational CAPTCHA.
Me: Mercu —
Samuel: To prove that you are not a robot.
Me: ….I tried to press fifteen
Staff: Then why did you press 1?
Me: Yes, okay, so I would like to report a staff member.
Staff: Super! What is this person’s name?
Me: Samuel.
Staff: I’m sorry, this action is not accepted. Let me transfer you.
- Automated System: Thank you for calling your doctor, if this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.