Thank You

A reminder of everything I learned

Dear xxxx,

You were first. I truly believed my words, although they were used before my understanding developed. I apologize for my transgression. What I am not sorry for is the enduring education your companionship provided. Neither warm nor resilient, you ignited passions in my heart that have yet to subside. I hold on to every detail created; my images may or may not be your actual self. I don’t care–I still choose to use them today.

That ecstasy experienced when I pretended to take you back, that moment in time, was more a valuation of my self-worth than any wish to be authentic. I have searched so long to find you again, but now realize it would not be any different.

Thank you for your refusal to show me what could have been if I were genuine.

Dear xxxx,

I used the declaration like a well-seasoned child, feigning maturity while my life basked in joyful innocence. You professed the same. It is clear to me now that neither of us was willing to stand behind everything we claimed sacred.

I no longer remember any sensation. Was there ever a look? Perhaps a touch, smell, or taste? When I search to see if you are behind yesterday’s moments, the apparent life you have built elicits neither joy nor sadness. There is no reflection of me. Do you see anything?

Thank you for setting me on my way.

Dear xxxx

So many years had passed since those words last slipped from my lips. I would not let you be the reason my heartless existence came to an end. I am not proud of the time we shared, but I stay grateful my deterioration never sank to the point of bliss.

Thank you for being a sordid light on otherwise dark days.

Dear xxxx

I was honest — it’s a mistake I will always regret. In the ensuing years, we experienced untold heartache and previously unimaginable bliss. We both revealed our strengths, perseverance and commitment, accomplishing our ultimate goals yet on separate paths.

Thank you for giving me a family.

Dear xxxx

You provided familiarity with the contemptible world that had become my new existence. You were my faults and destructive vices. I thrived in our reality, breathing in the excitement of every moment we would share until I could finally break away. When you broke the rules, my silence was a final tribute to the world I left in ruins.

Thank you for the opportunity to find peace in my darkness.

Dear xxxx

For the first time, I claimed responsibility for those words. By fighting the reduction of my attestation, I resisted minimizing any emotional value it should possess. Ultimately, you won when your proclamation lost meaning. Assuming no culpability, you marginalize any knowledge of past wrongs.

Thank you for sharing the greatest gift of our lives.

Dear xxxx

Maybe fear of returning to my callous nature pulled those words from my throat. In all honesty, I thought they could be true. Strangely attracted to your dragons, I believed my declaration as much as I embraced your affirmation. Circumstances drove your life in ways I could never have considered and still find it difficult to reckon with. Were the repeated attempts made to validate my desire or disprove your conviction? I abandoned all efforts after I realized the foolishness of persistence. Every other break of my heart has long since mended.

Thank you for showing I had adequate power to soothe without an obligation to recondition.

Dear xxxx

At first, I believed my words, even though I never saw truth in yours. Instead, we filled every moment with the excitement of discoveries. Was it fear of repetition or the enamor of your picturesque image holding me in place? We were outdated children startled by what our passion exuded. Since there is no foundation built upon a totality of ecstasy, you now have the former. I selfishly smiled a bit when I realized he might hear those words but will never know the lost sound of your declaration.

Thank you for my perspective.

Dear xxxx

When I realized the power of my true self, I longed for an opportunity to share without reservation. I aspired to be in your position. There was never a chance I could maintain the identity nor endure the burden of such freedom. You struggled with those exact constraints. For the first time in my life, I responded with an lie. Did you feel any truth in my reply? It wasn’t there. I saw a struggle in your eyes, perhaps torment, between what you were afraid of becoming and that which you had grown to despise.

We mimicked the urge, but you were never her. My only regret was losing your education.

Thank you for showing me how it feels.

Dear xxxx

Unexpected. When I abandoned desire and turned from where I no longer felt welcome, I looked into your eyes and smiled. Time and again, I startled myself. Long-forgotten images framed you; familiarity with your many faces comforted me. I know them all. Only when I put a name to each impression did everything make sense. They were always you.

I wondered if a time might come when we admitted the truth to ourselves and others. What would you discover after exposing my façade? Would the ugliness displease you? I knew I could never use those words again in ways they once formed.

I shared “I Love You” with the hope that you understood how much had changed. The mere admission of my revelation continues to make me smile. Finally, I believe that love is real. The word will no longer be a hushed reminder of what I’ll never feel, never again punishment for all the times I squandered the only chance I’d get. Your love strengthens my resolve to move forward in this world, even though we decided to take different paths. If the words never spill from my lips again, I can hold on to your proof that they exist.

Thank you.