Teslas Recalled After I Cut My Finger — Sorry!
A lesson in awkwardness, emotional immaturity, and poor engineering
Tesla is being forced to recall nearly all vehicles sold in the US due to engineering defects in their Autopilot technology. So, there should be 2 million fewer cars on my block this coming weekend.
I understand how this happened to the Muskoline Manchild.
Lemmee explain.
When I was eleven, I hated uneven orange peels and the stringy stuff, so I’d score the rind with a sharp knife and carefully remove the geometric sides and offending pulpy ribbons from my treat.
Brother Big D watched nervously as I brandished a serial killer-worthy blade. He’d teased me about my secret crush on Randy down the block.
Glaring hard, I missed.
The knife slashed my finger as I focused my rage on my brother instead of the evil pulpy orange.
Some might say I’d used the wrong tools for engineering an improved process that worked fine.
But they’d be wrong — I was a budding inventor bound for glory.
Not exactly emotionally mature, I saw the uncontrolled bleeding as a way to impress Randy and gain his sympathy.
I grabbed a dish towel and hopped on my little brother’s bike. Once the white towel had turned impressively red, I rode slowly past my soon-to-be Prince Charming’s house.
No sign of Randy.
He didn’t know I was alive.
Maybe if I did some tricks someone would notice and they’d tell him about the cool girl outside.
I pedaled furiously to gain speed before coming into view, but the bike was too short and my knees kept hitting my chest.
Leaning back, I extended my arms to my sides, feeling a rush of exhilaration as my hair whipped about.
In front of my eyes.
My too-long legs caused my feet to drag so I pulled them up. Looking like a half-bloody turtle, I barreled down the road.
BAM!!!
There I lay, just out of sight of Randy’s house.
The cop looked annoyed.
“You hit me!” I yelled, jumping to my feet and pushing the hated green helmet back.
“You hit ME!” he yelled back. “I was at the stop sign and you plowed right into me! You look like a frog!”
Then he noticed the blood.
And the dish towel.
Seeing I was more alarmed than hurt, the cop wasn’t concerned.
“What happened to your hand?” he demanded.
“The butcher knife slipped.”
He sneered, “Of course, all girls too dumb to see a police car stopped in front of them ride tiny bikes fast with no hands, ignore stop signs, and play with big knives before heading out. Maybe you need the training wheels put back on.”
And that’s when Randy and his dad appeared.
Shit! Everyone knows boys won’t let their dads see they’re in love. Especially with angry strangers.
I fumed. And probably looked a little rabid.
The less-than-concerned Prince Charming’s dad looked at the cop.
“Is she alright? Why’s her face so red? Did she lose a finger?”
Randy shrugged and turned to leave.
Humiliated, defeated, and angry, I got back on the bicycle and fled to avoid further questioning.
Once home, I yelled at Big D that I didn’t want his help and that he should simply fuck off, in no uncertain terms.
That’s what happened to Musk.
Following a two-year investigation into Tesla’s inadequate engineering and user safety controls, he agreed to recall all models to stop the investigation. Then he made a spectacle of himself in a recorded event as he told Twitter (X) advertisers ”Go f*ck yourselves!” and insisted he didn’t need them.
On behalf of the people killed or injured when his vehicles didn’t stop during emergencies, and all those with inferior products who will be inconvenienced during the recall, I’d like to show him the scar on my middle finger and tell him to grow up.
In case you missed the whole story of Tesla, I’ll explain. Imagine bumper cars at the carnival operated by a bunch of entitled blindfolded 8-year-olds who won’t touch the steering wheel. They keep crashing into the angry muscle man as he tries to yank crashed cars off the rails.
Documents posted Wednesday by U.S. safety regulators say the update will increase warnings and alerts to drivers and even limit the areas where basic versions of Autopilot can operate.
The recall comes after by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration into a series of crashes that happened while the Autopilot partially automated driving system was in use. Some were deadly.
Auto safety advocates for years have been calling for stronger regulation of the driver monitoring system, which mainly detects whether a driver’s hands are on the steering wheel. They have called for cameras to make sure a driver is paying attention, which are used by other automakers with similar systems.
Thanks for reading. Drive carefully — brain injuries can last a lifetime.