PUNXSUTAWNEY FILTH
Ten Things I’d Rather Wear Than a MAGA Hat
These accoutrements aren’t quite as distasteful
A trucker hat with a rhinestone monogram of the Golden Arches
A bumper sticker that reads, “My Postpartum Hemorrhoids Made the Honor Roll”
Nipple pasties made from felted cat hair
Used-condom contact lenses — recycling at its finest!
A tote bag that’s really an orange, 5-gallon Home Depot bucket, brimming with freshly shoveled swan sh*t ¹
A neck tattoo of Adam Levine receiving oral sex from my mother ²
A sandwich sign that says “Jared Fogle is My Spirit Animal,” as I stand outside the local Subway
A Tobasco-and-Barbasol bikini, the recipe for which is probably on TikTok
A pair of Iron Underwear [external link], while Netflix-n-chilling with Chris Hemsworth
A necklace that is composed of fishing line and a Passion-of-the-Christ dildo [external link] — to a PTA meeting
¹ Ask me about my lifeguarding duties back in ’99 at Pine Lake beach!
² This might have been on Inkmasters at some point
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