PARENTING HUMOR

Ten Sure Fire Ways to Get Your Adult Child to Leave Home

Guaranteed. Especially numbers one and ten.

Did your adult child move home right before the Stay at Home recommendations, and now you’re stuck with them? Literally, stuck in the house with them 24/7. Like when they were toddlers before preschool.

Or maybe they never left. My twenty-seven year old moved to L.A. last month, seeking fame and fortune. Timing was never his best thing. He was even born two weeks late.

But after graduating college, he moved back in, moved out, moved back in, and so on and so forth. Lest you think I minded, I assure you, he always has a home with me, and I adore him. I’m sure you feel the same about yours.

However, at some point, especially if you’re a single, and/or older parent like me, you might want to start living your life again. Or maybe you just want their room as your WFH office. Whatever your reason, here’s what worked for me.

1. Be up watching T.V. in the living room when they come home with a date at 2:00 in the morning. Jump up, introduce yourself as “The Mom,” and ask if they need anything. Giggle madly when she asks him, “So you AREN’T famous?” and answer, “He’s famous to ME.”
2. Tell them you’re writing stories about them on Medium. Especially the embarrassing ones.
3. Write embarrassing stories about them on Medium
4. Send them the stories.
5. Send the same stories to their friends.
6. Ask them to lend you money.
7. Reassure them they can stay as long as they like. Because you know they will let you move in with them when you need to. And that might be immediately after they buy a house, so tell them to be sure and get one with an extra bedroom and bath.
8. Ask them repeatedly how to operate technology. All technology. Pretend incompetence with the remote, your phone, and the computer. Extra points if you really don’t know how to work them.
9. When they ask, “How many times do I have to tell you how to operate the remote, phone, and computer?” answer, “As many times as it takes.”
10. Accidentally have one of their friends see you naked. Mine moved out the next week.

He is currently seeking fame and fortune in Los Angeles. Half a country away. Be careful what you wish for. You can follow him on Instagram and TikTok as Moonlair365 for PG content, or Twitter and YouTube @Moonlair360 for the stronger funny stuff.