Ten Seconds of Death

How ten seconds of death gave me life

I am sitting outside in my backyard with ‘Buddy’ my golden retriever, on my feet. A summer day at its best with clear blue sky, birds on the trees, bees on the pollinators that I had planted, squirrels are trying to outrun each other in their quest for food, and the constant humming of the air conditioner. I begin to type the words that are in me, aching to come out. This story is not of a near-death experience from which I came back- I shudder to think what that must be. Still, it is an account of death in breathing, death while alive.

Moment by moment, life comes alive in our body, mind, and emotions- some moments are fleeting, and some we hold on to in our memory box. When we open the memory box and play its tunes, it becomes our past. When we participate in creating a moment, it becomes our ‘now,’ and when we start decorating and building a box for our moments to come, it becomes the future.

Call it life. And then death does its number, and we don’t know if ever those moments existed or were imaginary in our minds. Sure, they must have somewhere as pearls of life — it is a thought to pacify me more than others.

Ten seconds are the frozen seconds etched in my being forever for deep pain, sorrow, anguish, and then a firm resolve — all in ten seconds was the death of the person who I was. I share here a vulnerable piece of my life without any embarrassment, shame or guilt because being vulnerable is a strength — right? And hopefully, somewhere, someone will benefit from this story.

The story goes back to the late nineties, very young, when I fell in love and boy, did I fell in love! I loved this man with an open heart and deep love that went beyond any vows or promises. My love was not a fairytale love of finding a prince- it was a one of a kind love that did not see that there was a dire need for support for education financially, were insecure emotionally, and no guarantee that we would have a solid financial future anytime soon- the kind of signs that one would avoid even getting into a relationship with yet hoping for a happy ending. I only saw the person -not the imperfections, lack of money, or the insecurities for the future did not matter. When he said he wanted to marry, I hesitated and then committed with my soul in him.

Fast forward, we made it. From fourteen hours shifts, sleeping on the floor, hourly jobs in the restaurants and front desk to successful corporate careers — an American dream with a white picket fence in the Silicon Valley. I was proud of his accomplishments, and I was proud of myself- I was true to my commitment and stood by him in the darkest hours, which were, by the way, more than the good ones. I had a hand in creating a destiny with my blood and sweat, which started with a zero. Sounds great -doesn’t it? Except everything ended in ten seconds.

I had assumed the role of a ‘rescuer’ being the ‘stronger’ one who had a solution to every problem we faced. I was left behind in my desire to progress, career, ambitions, and even well-being. I became the giver who sacrificed to fulfill expectations. Now excluded from the joint success as a couple, non- appreciated, overworked, I was alone as a mother to a child on the autism spectrum. As I write this, I may not be proud of what I did for myself, but I had made a commitment to love, and there was nothing bigger to me than that resolve.

Diagnosed with depression and acute anemia, I filed for divorce. This was the death of a label to a relationship — love carried on in my heart. I moved out of the home.

One day sitting in the living room, back on to the floor of an apartment as my temporary residence until the divorce got finalized, I receive a text. I had an inkling before filing for the divorce, but now there it was — the ten seconds that brought me pain, misery, anguish, and defined my life. The text had pictures of him and another woman holding hands, attending yoga classes, sipping wine, attending a hot air balloon festival, dancing at a concert. I wanted to end my life. That was it- I wanted to die.

Death seemed more endearing than life.

I wanted to end all …that is until I looked up to see the angelic faces of my children- one playing with a toy vacuum cleaner and the other making sounds of vroom vroom with his red Lightning McQueen car. My elder one looked up at my tears, dropped his toy car, and put his arms around my neck.

Why should I die? This question was the death of me and also the birth of me. After all, I had not ‘bought’ him because I had a hand in his success and life is bigger than any betrayal or heartbreak. Those pictures led to the death of any remaining doubt or emotions, or love I had for him. Suddenly, it was calm as if a weight was lifted off me- maybe I was wishing and waiting for something like this to get out of the commitment I had made twenty years ago.

I shiver to think what would have happened if I had taken the thought to end my life to action. The two innocent faces unknowingly saved me. The arms of my elder son uplifted me and continue to do so even today.

You see, people will do everything in their power to let you down if you let them! I let the belief in love and personal responsibility for a commitment blind me. A relationship based on economics is not love; a relationship that needs negotiations and deals with conditions is not love either. Love does not betray or hurt or ask for sacrifices. Is my belief in love shaken- hell yes. Will I believe in love again- maybe or maybe not? Am I scared to be hurt — perhaps!

But am I at peace with the death of a twenty years relationship— absolutely fucking yes! Why? Because everyone has to take responsibility and be accountable for their life, well-being, health, and happiness. I am creating my life, finding myself not in cubicles and corporate jobs but in the lap of nature, art, poetry, travels, writings, spirituality, community, purpose-driven work, and laughter of my children. Sure, days are hard, but I own the days and nights now and am not ready to give up for anyone or anything in this world.

Everyone’s path is different, and that is okay. Start by knowing who you are and chart your path. Maybe you want to rest your head under the shade of the tree along the river, live atop a mountain, and call it a life. Or maybe you want to be an executive — do what empowers you and puts a smile on your face. Living a life built for and on others’ expectations is a fake life, and you are playing a character who will one day rebel.

Be authentic to yourself- the sooner we know, the better. And if you do love someone, then show up every day for that person not in the way you want them to be but in the way you would like to be loved.

The ten seconds remain the biggest realization and most rewarding from the pain that I had to endure. It was truly the death and birth of me together, which I celebrate to mark my present.

Copyright Priya Tandon @The Soul Sutras 2021

Be Open Says;

So pleased to present you 1 of Be Open Golden Stories created by: Davin Edward

Approved by Be Open’s Editors: A Shayens Abran & Priya Tandon