Ten Rock Solid Reasons Why I Should Be the Next Pope

Stop laughing and hear me out

You may have seen a spate of news articles recently speculating that Pope Francis is considering retirement because of poor health. He’s not (he has a bum knee that sometimes forces him to use a wheelchair, but is in better shape at 85 than I am at 56). There would be no such speculation had Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI not resigned nine years ago; for 600 years before that the cardinals just waited until you died before jockeying for position to become your successor.

The media (and when it comes to the Vatican, especially the Italian media) loves to stir things up, so we’re getting all kinds of theories about who will be next; the ones named most often are Hungarian Cardinal Péter Erdő, Philippine Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle, and Ghanaian Cardinal Peter Turkson. It is, however, important to remember the old saying the Italians have: “A fat pope follows a thin pope.” It’s not about weight, of course, but about the cardinals’ tendency to go in a different direction after a lengthy papacy (Pope Francis is coming up on ten years).

If we go by that wise old saying, there is only one logical choice. After 2,000 years, what the Chair of St. Peter needs is an American, more specifically a Texan, and even more specifically, me. I’m not actually campaigning here (which would be unseemly); I’m simply pointing out the reasons why I am the obvious pick, hoping the cardinals will read this and agree.

Here’s why I am the obvious choice:

1. I fit the bare minimum qualifications: being male and baptized into the Catholic Church. I know there has not been a non-priest elected since Leo X in 1513 or a non-cardinal since Urban VI in 1378, but Benedict XVI showed that precedents could be brought back after hundreds of years when he resigned, so why not here as well? On the downside, Urban VI’s election triggered the Great Western Schism and Leo X’s spending spree helped start the Protestant Reformation, but surely I can’t screw things up as bad as they did. Surely.
2. I would not have to change my name. As an added bonus, since the last Pope Paul was Paul VI, I would be lucky number seven.
3. I’m only two years younger than Pope John Paul II was when he was elected, and it’s time for a “young” pope again. In fact, it’s time for a pope from Generation X. We were the ones who got hosed the most with the shoddy way the reforms of Vatican II were implemented, enduring Masses with puppets, wannabe folk singers, and God help me, clowns.
4. I would make every member of the E Street Band a cardinal (including Clarence and Danny posthumously). There has been a rule since 1917 that a cardinal has to be a priest first, but as you saw above with Leo and Urban, that was not always the case even to become pope. Plus, once I’m in charge I can change all sorts of stuff.
5. I would declare as infallible dogma that tacos were brought down from heaven and would serve Shiner beer at all Vatican events.
6. Having had an Italian grandmother and a Texan mother, I would know from personal experience how to keep those unruly yahoos in Vatican City in line. Even the Germans, which is no easy task given how much they love schisms and reformations and such.
7. Schedule permitting, the Swiss Guard would be available (for a small fee) to act as security at your next wedding, kids’ birthday party, or Super Bowl cookout.
8. The current Popemobile is a Mercedes-Benz SUV. While that’s fine for some, I would swap it for a Ford F-350 Turbo Diesel. After all, 1 Chronicles 29:11 talks about the power and the glory.
9. Leo Messi, Robert Lewandowski, Cristiano Ronaldo, Manuel Neuer, Olivier Giroud, Sergio Ramos, and Neymar are all Catholic. I would make them citizens of Vatican City and order them to represent the micro-nation on the football pitch. We would crush everybody.
10. Finally, my papal motto would be Natus Currere, which for those of you who (like me) didn’t take Latin in school, translates to “Born to Run.” The closest word Latin has for “tramps” was “wanderer,” which isn’t really the same thing, so “tramps like us” was sadly not an option. I will get the Latin scholars working on that after I’m elected.

As I see it, #10 alone should make me a mortal lock for the job when it opens up. Honestly though, I hope that doesn’t happen for a long time. I really like Pope Francis, and all these qualifications aside, he is at a level of awesome I could never hope to reach, even by adding Taco Tuesdays at the Vatican. Need proof? Here it is:

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