Ten Funny Things To Say After Sex

If you want to be a real card in the sack, that is. If you want to be invited back, stick to the cliches.

Was that good for you? That’s what dull women ask after sex. It’s a valid question, and it seems to be what you each want to know, right? But really, sisters we can do better.

In an ideal world, where you two were really in sync, it wouldn’t be interrogative, it would be declarative: “That was good for you.” Or even an exclamation and some italics. “That was good for you!”

This isn’t an ideal world though — newsflash! And oftentimes you feel connected during the act, but as the member is removed from the orifice upon completion, the connectedness seems to be somewhat withdrawn as well.

With the post-coital question, the first words out of your mouth are an attempt to re-establish that connection.

Of course, since I’m a humor writer, I’m almost expected to say something funny. Sometimes I don’t feel like cracking a joke, though. It’s a very special zone, post-coitus. I don’t want to spoil the tranquility of it with a gut buster. But usually my reputation of hilarity has preceded me so the guys actually expect it. And TBH post-coital intimacy sucks. Next thing you know he’ll be moving in and you won’t be able to get rid of him for two years.

Speaking of sucking, if we end on fellatio, I will often go for a deadpan Aubrey Plaza type of barb after receiving a mouthful:

“Uh, I ordered the acai smoothie with the wheatgrass booster, I don’t think this is my drink.”

Then I spit it out into the glass I keep on my night table.

See, I don’t like to swallow, so this line actually gives me a useful comic “cover” to get rid of that bitter-tasting smart food called semen. I mean, I love a bit of arugula, but that’s more like dandelion greens, yuck.

If, on the other hand, he finishes me off with his mouth, I’ll try to say something to acknowledge the hard work he’s done there. I’ll put on my best dental hygienist voice and say:

“You might be numb for a little while, so no food for a couple hours. The feeling should return to your tongue and gum area within a half hour. See the receptionist on the way out to validate your parking. Have a nice day.”

If he’s not laughing by then I’ll just keep going.

“I did see something on your x-ray I’d like to take a closer look at next visit, but it’s probably nothing. Might have been a little gum abrasion from too much oral, do you suck a lot of cock, sir?”

He’ll either kick me out of the bed by then or he’ll start chuckling.

You see, I definitely use humor to mask my insecurity — which is really rampant on the rare occasions I allow the guy to go bareback. Even if he pulls out and doesn’t finish in me, I can’t help myself. I go right into naming the kids.

“So I hope it’s a girl, don’t you? We can buy her a pony. I want to call her Tiffany. Don’t you love that name? Oh please God make it a girl!”

If he finishes in my from behind, I always feel like I should reference the whole doggie style thing.

“Awesome, can we go chase some squirrels now?”

Conversely, if I’m on top, riding my bucking bronco, and he reaches a climax before me…

“Mommy, is the horsey ride over now? Why isn’t the horsey moving any more Mommy? Is the horsey dead?”

After butt stuff, it’s important to break the ice because let’s face it, that was somewhat disgusting. And you can’t see back there…who knows what his ding dong looked like when he pulled it out.

“Yum…chili cheese dogs for everyone!”

This is one I only use for a guy you sense is really afraid of commitment and is just in it for the one-night stand. So after this guy finishes in me with a great grunt and collapses, I like the break the silence with:

“And now we’re married!”

This last word “married” must be said in the broadest, most obnoxious Long Island accent ever. I love the horrified look on the guy’s face when he hears that. Or, if he smiles and laughs about it, then it turns out he might not have been such a jerk after all.

I dated this actor once. I knew a little bit of the lingo cause I had taken an acting class once. Anyway, after a big histrionic finish, there was an awkward silence. We were sitting there holding each other. I said:

“And….scene!”

You kinda had to be there, I guess, but that guy really laughed his head off at that one. You can get the same effect, I guess, by just pretending to be the director of a porno, especially if you fancy another go round:

“Alright cut! Back to one everybody. Let’s go again!”

Finally, if a guy is really rough at the end, which can happen, right? A guy can hold your hands down or grab your hair a bit. Do you especially hard. After he’s done, if I want to really freak him out, I try this. I can cry on command, so I’ll pop out a few tears. “What’s wrong?” the guy will ask.

“My husband is going to kill you!”

Husband? The guy jumps out of bed. He’s not so tough now. Not so much with the hair-pulling and the wrist holding. He’s on his way out the door with his pants half on, “You didn’t say you had a husband!”

“Kidding!”

I don’t know. All of these ideas are a little bit alienating, I have to admit. I have learned a lot about myself by writing this article — I’m using humor as a wall to keep people at arm’s length. I’m afraid of intimacy. Et cetera.

I’m going to advise that you actually don’t use any of these lines. You know what I advise? Stick to convention.

Cuddle him close to you and be real sweet and ask, “Was it good for you?”

I mean, what’s he gonna say? No?

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