RELATIONSHIPS

Ten Do’s and Don’ts with a Married Man

Ask me how I know.

Not that I recommend having a married lover. Not by a long shot. Are you crazy? Well, I was. Fell head over heels for an anthropology professor in college.

Was that ever unethical? You betcha, in more ways than one…but once the pheromones start and there’s chemistry between you, it’s hard to shut all that off.

So if you insist on being young and foolish or older and foolish, let me offer you some tips. Not that I expect you to follow them, but at least, if I put them out there, I’ve done my job. The rest is up to you.

So here goes my top ten…

Definition of terms

1. If he claims that he and his wife have an open marriage (really dating myself now — which is what I should have done in the first place, with or without a vibrator…) Anyway, if he says they have an open marriage or an understanding or whatever the latest verbiage is, DO NOT believe him.

I repeat, do not believe him. What he understands is not necessarily what she understands — or he, if he’s a married bisexual.

2. If you’re friends with, or at least on speaking terms with the wife and she complains about how hard it is for her to find men willing to be with her married self, DO believe her.

All the understanding in the world won’t help if he has all the fun, and she’s left to fend for herself or worse, take care of a baby all alone.

Then there’s the baby

3. The baby. He will invite you over when he’s at home alone with the baby. DO NOT go. I repeat, do not go. It’s a setup. He’s planning on seducing you, and the baby will have to fend for herself. Do not be the cause of that trauma.

If you are young and foolish and insist on going anyway, and you two find yourselves hot and heavy in an amorous way, DO let the baby climb all over you. Yes, she may try to suckle at your naked breasts, but that sure beats the hell out of having her in a crib in the next room, screaming at the top of her lungs.

DO your best not to traumatize the child. You don’t want that on your conscience. She’ll grow up and have to tell an expensive therapist that she was abandoned to scream it out while her daddy and his slut of a mistress were getting it on in the other room.

You should tell your expensive therapist, you know, I had sex with my lover, and his baby was right there, playing and laughing the whole time. The baby was fine, but I am a wreck. Better you be that wreck, so you might not want to repeat the mistake.

Of course, there’s the sex

4. DO use protection. Now that you see the effect of an affair on an innocent baby, why bring another innocent baby into the world to suffer in a similar fashion?

He’s not likely to help raise this child, given the compromising circumstances. And if you’re like me, a freshman in college, you’re not ready to start a family. So do use protection — get on the pill, have a diaphragm, lots of spermicide, condoms, and a bodyguard or three.

On the matter of correspondence

5. DO NOT write him letters. Yes, he can be discreet, and you can send them to his office. But sooner or later he’s going to forget and stick it somewhere that makes it home, like a back pocket.

Sooner or later, she’s going to be searching those pockets for evidence or cash or to empty them before washing. Sooner or later, she’ll find your letter. It’s Murphy’s Law — if something can go wrong, it will. Believe me, this is an area where a lot could go wrong.

This goes for text messages, IM, emails, and all the rest of the high tech stuff. That wasn’t invented yet when I had my tryst, but I’ve heard enough horror stories that you should take heed.

On the possibility of discovery

6. If he writes you letters, hide them in plain sight. That way, if she finds one of your letters in his pocket and comes over to your place and you’re not home, but your roommate lets her in — because after all, she’s a nice, hospitable roommate with no idea what you’ve been up to — and the wife ransacks your room, rifling through your drawers and closet, you’re safe.

In my case, the letters were in a bundle in the kitchen cupboard. The one with the drinking glasses. They were vertically filled between two glasses. The cupboard did not have a door, so they were hidden in plain sight.

The wife in her rage did not stop in the kitchen, not even for a glass of water. She was hell-bent on tearing up my room. So it worked.

7. If, while all this is happening, her husband is outside waiting for you on the curb, and he suggests you not go inside, DO heed that warning and DON’T go inside. You might be guilt-tripped into revealing the stack of love letters, and you will probably regret that.

You might do or say something you regret. Or she might beat the living crap out of you. She could have a black belt in Ju-Jitsu or be a kickboxer. You just don’t know.

8. If he claims she’s as gentle as a lamb, DO NOT believe him. Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of there. When you get home, don’t fess up. But move the letters.

Have you learned anything yet?

9. If any of the above happens, DO take it as a sign from on high that you might want to re-evaluate the whole affair. Yes, the sex might be hot, but sooner or later, that will cool, and most likely he will go elsewhere and leave you in the dust.

Or, you will get clear that you want more of a commitment than he can make. You already know he’s a liar and a cheater and not the best of dad’s. Do you want to hitch your wagon to that star? You deserve better. You deserve a whole relationship, not just the crumbs, as hot as they may be.

10. DO become willing to break it off. I’m not sure what it will take. I “saw” this man on and off for years. I ended up going to a twelve-step program for sex and love addicts to break my patterns. It takes what it takes.

If you think you’re addicted, DO be willing to get some help. Who knows, if you get help, maybe he will, too.

If you go to a program and they tell you not to see him, DO not see him. Your recovery will go much smoother, and you won’t be wasting your sponsor’s time.

If you insist on seeing him, DO NOT be surprised if your sponsor fires you as a sponsee. This does not mean you’re a bad person, just stupid. Or, I should say, ignorant. Keep going. You’ll learn.

So there you have it. Now you are a grown woman or man, I take it. I trust you to make up your own mind. But you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you enjoyed this story, check out another one of my MuddyUm funnyUms:

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.