Summary

The author reflects on the deterioration of their marriage and the decision to divorce, recognizing signs that the relationship was beyond repair.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's personal journey through an unhappy marriage, detailing the emotional turmoil and indecision faced before ultimately choosing to divorce. The author recounts a period of self-doubt, influenced by their spouse's criticism and the lack of a supportive partnership. They highlight specific signs that signaled the need for separation, such as the absence of healthy arguments, physical stress reactions, the loss of self, and the feeling of not being a cohesive team. The author also references Sara Stillman Berger's article in Oprah Daily, which provided additional clarity on the decision to end the marriage. The narrative underscores the importance of self-reflection, the need for mutual effort in resolving marital issues, and the realization that sometimes, despite one's best efforts, a marriage may not be salvageable.

Opinions

The author initially doubted their own judgment due to their spouse's assertions and societal expectations of being a "team player" in a marriage.
The author believes that a lack of arguing, physical stress reactions to the spouse's presence, and hiding one's true self are indicators of a troubled relationship.
The author expresses frustration with the unequal division of roles and responsibilities in the marriage, feeling unappreciated for their own full-time work.
The author opines that when one partner is unwilling to work on the marriage, it is a clear sign that the relationship may be beyond saving.
The author suggests that external help, such as counseling or therapy, can be beneficial when a couple can no longer resolve conflicts on their own.
The author concludes that taking time apart can provide clarity and that sometimes ending a marriage is the best decision for both parties involved.

Telltale Signs We Were Headed for a Divorce

Hindsight is always 20/20

When things were not going well in my marriage and I was unhappy for years on end, I doubted if I was the problem. Mostly because my wasband kept reiterating that I was wrong in my thinking and that I had no idea what it meant to be a team player in a marriage.

I would speak to my close friends and to my therapist, but deciding whether the marriage was salvageable or whether it was time to call it quits did not come easily.

Nobody really tells you what to do. I found myself repeating the same story of discontent every once in a while. I was like a tape playing on the loop about how unhappy I was and how I wasn’t able to bring about any change for the better in my marriage. Eventually, I would stop talking about it.

Things were status quo for the longest time.

I told myself I would skate parallelly until the children finished up with their schooling and then I would bolt. I didn’t see a future with this man. I couldn’t imagine what retirement would look like with him. I couldn’t recognize the man he had become, surely not the same one I fell in love with when I was 21.

The pandemic came as a blessing. One thing led to another and I ultimately made the decision to leave when I felt ready and safe to do so.

Telltale signs in hindsight

I wish I had read Sara Stillman Berger’s article in Oprah Daily listing 16 signs it might be time to get a divorce earlier. I found this article really helpful and I do believe it provides some direction for those who are in a limbo state.

You may not be ready to make the move, but at least you will have clarity on which side of the line you stand.

Here go the signs that I could relate to.

01. You never argue

There was a time when I would engage in arguments and we would fight as most couples do. Arguing is healthy when the issue can be resolved. But when his anger started to turn into rage, the arguments took a more aggressive turn with the intent to hurt (emotionally mostly). For the last four years in the marriage, I retracted and took the route of silence and avoidance in order to keep the peace and prevent further escalation of the situation.

02. Your body reacts to the stress

You know something is wrong when you have a negative reaction when your spouse enters the room. There is an air of discomfort and the stress levels rise. My entire mood would change when I was around him. There were days when I would run upstairs to bed when I heard the garage door open and knew he was home. Needless to say, the intimacy was lost and nonexistent.

03. You hide your real self

I couldn’t be who I was. I had to filter my thoughts and alter my likes and dislikes for fear of being criticized and judged. When you realize you have to change your “self” to survive in the relationship, it’s time to leave.

04. You wonder if you make a good team

My wasband always talked about being on the same team and being team players. His definition of a team was for him to be the provider and for me to take care of the rest. I am sure this equation works for many couples, but it didn’t for me. I didn’t like being on his team anymore. It was tiring to listen to statements like “I’m the breadwinner in this house. I’m the reason we have what we have.” Sorry, but I work full-time too, and being on your team sucks!

05. Work would always come first

He built his entire self-esteem and self-worth around what he did for work and how successful he was at work. His commitment to work superseded any other responsibilities he had as a father or a spouse.

Indra Nooyi, former chairperson and CEO of PepsiCo, talks about the importance of leaving the “crown” in the garage when you enter the house. My wasband walked around with his crown and his titles and expected me to worship him for the self-made man he had become. Thanks, but no thanks!

06. They stop being your go-to person

There was a time when we would call each other to share good and bad news. We would come home from work and tell each other stories about our day. As the roles and responsibilities became lop-sided, my dissatisfaction and resentment started to increase. He was no longer my confidant and go-to person.

07. You are constantly wondering if you should leave

It took me almost ten years from the first time I wondered if it was best to leave to the time that I actually made the move. In those ten years, I contemplated leaving innumerable times but the timing was just not right with the kids being younger and my own self-doubt if I was the problem here.

Mostly, I tried to see if I could do things differently to make it work. And this brings me to #8 not listed in Berger’s article.

08. You are the only one who wants to work on things

Every time I would bring up the idea of working on the marriage and himself, he would say there was nothing wrong with him or his thinking. I was the one who needed fixing.

I agreed I had my flaws and I was willing to work on them. I started individual therapy but I realized that if the other person was not willing to make the same effort then this was not going to work.

My two cents worth

It can be difficult to evaluate if there is still some life left in the marriage or if it’s time to call it quits. In many instances, the help of a third party like a counselor or therapist can be helpful. This is because the two people have lost the ability to resolve conflict and issues on their own. This may be due to a breakdown in communication or several other factors.

If you are in such a situation, be kind to yourself. You will be surprised by the number of people who have marital issues but continue to live with the facade that all is swell. Ask me, I did it for a very long time.

You cannot get well in the same place in which you got sick. Sometimes, distance and separation can give couples some breathing space to think, reflect, and reevaluate. The separation solidified my thinking that there was no life left in my marriage.

I do believe everything works out for the best in the end. Good luck with your journey!

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