Telling the Guys You are Switching (Gender)Teams

A wired female dressed as a guy

I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria at age 62 and finally accepted I was transgender a year later. I started HRT almost 4 years ago. I still feel incomplete and I am still trying to find my gender presentation.

The discovery four years ago was, honestly, absolutely shocking to me. I had successfully buried my female wiring under massive doses of testosterone, decades of social programming and growing up in the 1950’s and 60’s when there were no words or any understanding of the complex concept of gender.

You were either male or female.

I truly had no clue. Everyone in my generation was flying blind and judging others in ignorance.

So here I am at 66 accepting I am wired female, dressed as a guy. I finally got the shoes on the right feet but how do I tell my guy friends that I prefer high heels? I was there for the Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner jokes. I was uncomfortably there for the predatory bar scene growing up as I listened to the stupid blonde jokes and sexual comments.

Now what?

I am not afraid of losing friends and family who can’t accept my that I am transgender. I will do all I can to explain what for me was a brutal learning experience. At least for me I needed to understand. For them, they can make an effort or not. For them it is a choice. I have none.

There are so many groups that need to understand in their own way. They are each unique and I am struggling on how to help them understand.

I believe there will be two starting groups, those that try and those that won’t. The “try” group will divide into those that get it and those that can’t.

I am hoping for a lot of acceptance and I expect that it will be divided by generation. Those in my age group, the baby boomers, I believe, will have the toughest time. Gender, to them is simply binary. In addition, they have seen the male me for decades and in multiply diverse social situations. They will have a difficult time. Many of them will reject seeing me in makeup and a dress.

Then, rightly or wrongly, I have divided the groups by gender.

Some women will never accept me as female. They will be either hostile or politely tolerant. Others will just get it and I am hoping for a lot of those.

I believe that the guys who have been my lifelong friends will have the hardest time.

We have had a lifetime with us as simply the “guys”. We have had endless shared guy experiences together. They will probably start painfully reviewing our life time relationship to look for the telltale sign that I was gay. I will need to convince them that I am not. (I am technically a lesbian but I am so tired of gender labels that depend on sexual orientation.)

They may see me as a traitor. Will I violate their “guy” code? Maybe I am just deranged or started early senility. I feel that they will try hard, really hard, to understand and many will fail.

Why would any guy want to be a girl?

But this is not Halloween or a drag show. This is me. This is my life.

They won’t understand that under all of these male layers I am female. I am still grappling with it myself even though I absolutely know it’s right.

They will probably follow the four of the five stages of grief that people who have lost a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining and depression. I truly hope for the fifth one, their acceptance.

…But I have “killed” their friend and they may not forgive me for it.

I am just glad that stoning, lynching, shunning and electroshock therapy have ceased being alternative solutions to treating being transgender.

I have been drafted to another team.

Emma Holiday

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