Techniques to Gently Shift People’s Perspective and Change Their Minds

Subtle influence is the most powerful

I’ll never forget the time I was at my best friend’s house as a kid, hanging with her parents in the kitchen. Her mom, Evenlyn, was milling around, making us smoothies and snacks like she usually did. But on this particular day, I thought I saw tears welled up in her eyes that she was struggling to keep from falling. She was chatting as normal, but something was off.

I remember shrugging it off and running downstairs with smoothies in-hand to go play video games.

As a kid, you don’t understand the types of things that might cause adults to be upset. You don’t understand pressures of a full-time job, running a family, or what big loss feels like.

Later when I went home, my mom asked about Evelyn.

I shrugged. She seemed fine. I’d long forgotten about the tear wells.

My mom exhaled.

Her sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer yesterday. I’m surprised she’s holding it together.

Woah.

In that moment, I saw my best friend’s mom in a totally new light.

Suddenly she was a complete and utter warrior. One of the strong people I knew.

No one handles a loss, a blow to the family, with grace and calm like that.

So what does this have to do with influence?

Context is everything.

The way you make sense of other people’s behaviours is by context.

The thing about context is that it’s incredibly malleable.

You often infer context for events. It can be totally wrong and you may never know.

I didn’t understand the context for Evelyn’s sadness. So I didn’t pay attention to it or give it a lot of weight. I didn’t understand that only a pretty big life event could cause that kind of reaction.

Learning the true context changed my mind about who she was as a person.

That’s a huge mental shift.

How can you change context for other people?

Lately in my work life, I’ve been going through a lot of painful change.

I behave like most humans facing high uncertainty and challenge — I panic and want to run away and question my ability.

My mentor uses context shifts all the time to help me calm down and get through.

When I think:

• “This the worst stress, I don’t know if I can handle it” he says: “This is the worst it will ever be. Right now is the most painful, the most unsettled, the most “novel” these challenges will be. It’s only going to get easier”
• “I made a mistake, I should’ve known X” he says “You’ve been in this role for what, 2 months? It’s not your job to know everything.”
• “There are too many demands” he says “Okay, then put some items down. What can you put down and who do you need to communicate with?”

When I’m focused on the pain of the moment, he zooms out and says “Focus on the journey. This is where you are, but this is where you’re going.”

When I’m focused on my failures and wanting to be perfect, he reminds me that “You’re early on the journey and anyway, perfect isn’t the goal.”

When I’m lost and feeling out of control, he zooms me back into the moment and says “Here is the steering wheel. Grab it. Shift to the left. Control the car.”

Useful context shifts for advice

I’ve worked with a number of influential leaders over the years who use the some of the same techniques to give context to others and change their minds.

Some of the most powerful have been:

• This moment is just that — one single moment. It will be gone in a flash. The journey is what matters. (Useful for moments of pain and uncertainty)
• We’re all in this together. We’re part of a team. You don’t have to do this alone. (Also useful for moments of pain and uncertainty)
• Done is better than perfect. (Useful for analysis paralysis)
• There is no right answer. We’re all just out here guessing, doing the best we can. (Handling uncertainty — especially useful when it comes to strategy and big picture questions)
• You don’t have to know everything. No body expects perfection from you. If you feel that way, it’s more likely to be coming from yourself than from others. (Pain, uncertainty).
• You are responsible for your journey. For your growth. For your learnings. For how you show up. Don’t pass on blame to others for your own behaviours and reactions (Useful when folks are in victim-mentality).

Others have used that strategies with me, and I’ve found them incredibly powerful for challenging my own limiting beliefs.

They’re the context I often need to remind myself that things will be ok.