Tears My Lovers won’t See

Let them fall

I’m sitting here crying. I don’t want to.

I want to be fierce and sexy and a boss! But I’m not.

Human. Frail. Real.

I feel like I’m not asking for much. I feel that I’m not selfish.

I want the ONES I can’t have. I want the ones that engage my soul and mind. Bring me thoughts, laughter, and music during the day. They light up my night with sweet fire, longing, and passion. They actually give a shit about what I think.

But I can’t have them. They are not mine. Not even for a short while. Living too far out of reach kills the chance. Schedules kill it too. Lack of care kills it.

People want what they cannot attain. Life has a way of killing something like that.

And they settle. They tell themselves this is enough. I can get by.

I settled for the bare bones.

I cry tonight for my needs being broken down into the bare minimum.

I cry about the loss between my husband and me. He doesn’t care about what I think. He treats my viewpoint like trash and tosses it in the bin. For the great wall that separates us every night in that king-size bed.

For the loss of BadMeds. I cared about him very deeply. I still care about him today. I can’t let go.

I need to let go.

For new potential partners, I feel the loss. They barely know me. They don’t know my pain. They see a toy or sex doll. I was willing to be that. I told myself that it was enough.

No more.

I will not grieve for someone who is not mine. I will not lose sleep for those who don’t care if I stay awake at night.

I’ve been told I can give it up. I can. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I’m addicted to this rush of energy. Stolen moments make them precious. Maybe I crave the attention?. I would not be surprised if I do.

Don’t I deserve that joy? Don’t I deserve someone bright? Who shines as I do?

Even when life is shit and it’s unfair, I shine. I give my all. And it’s wasted on most. They don’t understand. Few understand.

So I cry tonight. Tears stream down my face as I write this. I have to hide them before my husband gets home. No evidence. “I’m all good dear. How was your day?”

Tomorrow I will be a boss again.

Grieve no more.

Thank you for reading and your support.

Love,

Clara