Summary

The article discusses the personal connection the author feels with Taylor Swift's song "Anti-Hero," relating its lyrics to their own experiences with bipolar disorder.

Abstract

The author of the article, who has bipolar disorder, shares a deep personal connection with Taylor Swift's song "Anti-Hero." Despite not being a dedicated Taylor Swift fan, the author found the song resonating with their struggles during dark bipolar days. The song's lyrics epitomize the author's self-critical thoughts and the feeling of being a "monster on the hill," a metaphor for the internal turmoil and societal stigma associated with mental illness. The author describes how the song captures the essence of self-blame and the relentless nature of mental health battles. However, they also highlight the comfort and validation found in the song, which provides strength and a sense of shared experience. While the author appreciates the song's impact, they note the absence of a positive message at the end, emphasizing that not all days are consumed by depression and that hope exists in the form of better days ahead. The article encourages readers to reflect on songs that resonate with them and to journal about the emotions these songs evoke.

Opinions

The author did not initially consider themselves a Taylor Swift fan but became obsessed with "Anti-Hero" due to its relevance to their bipolar experience.
"Anti-Hero" is seen as a reflection of the author's negative self-perception during depressive episodes, encapsulating the sense of being haunted by past mistakes.
The song's imagery of a "monster on the hill" mirrors the author's feelings of being misunderstood and stigmatized by society due to their mental illness.
The author identifies with the song's portrayal of internal conflict and the tendency to blame oneself for external problems, a common experience among those with bipolar disorder.
The song provides a sense of solidarity and understanding, which the author finds empowering in their ongoing struggle with bipolar disorder.
The author expresses a desire for a more hopeful message in the song, acknowledging that life with bipolar disorder includes periods of relief from depression.
The article suggests that music can be a therapeutic tool for self-reflection and emotional exploration, advocating for the use of journaling to understand one's connection to music.

Taylor Swift’s Anti-Hero and How It Connects to My Bipolar

The song playing on repeat in my mind and what it means to me.

Monster on the hill. Image created by the author with Canva.

I’ve never considered myself a Taylor Swift fan.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll tap the steering wheel to the beat of Shake It Off when it comes on the radio, and I can sing with the strongest of Southern drawls, but I always imagined T Swift as someone I could take or leave.

Then came her song Anti-Hero.

I heard Anti-Hero for the first time a few weeks ago, and have been obsessed with it since. If you haven’t heard it yet, here’s the official video.

The song epitomizes all the worst things I feel about myself on the dark bipolar days. From the opening, describing how depression keeps you awake at night and fills your bedroom with all the ghosts of your mistakes, to the repeating chorus.

Yep, me. Me. ME!

When depression sets up camp in my mind, all the ghosts of relationships past come to visit. I promise myself I’ll do better with the next friend I meet, but then I always fall back into the same pattern. Most relationships end and a new ghost takes their place.

The song goes on to describe how I imagine the world views me. Taylor sings about being the monster on the hill, the one endangering your town. People fight to kill it but never succeed.

I know mental illness is a monster that lives inside me, but some days, it feels like that monster is all I am.

The frightened townspeople stab at the beast, but I never die.

Taylor nails the internal turmoil with the chorus:

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me*

Isn’t that what we always do with bipolar? We blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, even when there’s no tie to us. Or maybe it’s just me.

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Playing on Repeat

I connect so much with Anti-Hero that I keep playing it on repeat. It could be my theme song or eulogy. Maybe my daughter-in-law won’t kill me, but I can relate to the rest of the song.

Bipolar disorder is a cruel companion. Whether you’re a good person or not, the growling monster makes you believe the worst things about yourself. Some days, bipolar is soul crushing.

But then you run across a song that makes you feel a little less alone.

Maybe you’re not the only one who feels that way. If someone else understands, then maybe it means there’s nothing terrible in you. Perhaps you’re not the only monster on the hill.

With the power of validation, you get up, dust yourself off, and fight through another day.

That’s what Anti-Hero is doing for me: giving me strength to fight. I feel like someone understands, and everything is easier when you know someone else has been there.

Of course, I know all of you get it, but it’s nice to have T Swift on the team as well.

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Looking for Positive

The only thing about Anti-Hero I dislike is the missing positive message at the end.

Not every day is dark depression. Ghosts of past friendships rarely fill every night. The monster on the hill sometimes sleeps. Those better days, they’re what we hold on for. They make life worth living and help you escape the pain of the darkest days.

Spend some time this week thinking about a song stuck in your mind. Pull out your journal and explore why you connect to the song and what emotions it evokes. As the week goes on, pick 2–3 more songs, and journal through them as well.

Music can be both a great escape and a way to clarify what you’re thinking and feeling. Examine how each song affects you and see where it takes you.

What song will you use first? Please share in the comments.

Until next time, keep fighting.

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Songwriters: Jack Michael Antonoff / Taylor Alison Swift

Originally published at https://speakingbipolar.com on March 22, 2023.