Tattoo Eye

… blood-red carved into her sight…

In the search to “save” others, we must first learn to “save” ourselves.

A tiny home for herself and dreams of being a savior to a generation sparked her new city life. Harsh Reality set in quickly.

At 23 years young, she was able to see clearly. Life after graduate school was in prime focus. New York City, Social Worker, Minimalist, Single, Healthy Lifestyle — all was great. She found a studio in Soho-relatively easy to find. The massive departure of millennials from the city due to the pandemic was staggering. Many 20/30 somethings ran home- or away from the subways, high rents, and the new virus. Politics and fear at the forefront, she jumped right in. Excited, vulnerable — not looking for love.

Social work in New York City will always afford a lifestyle. Maybe not a glamorous New York lifestyle, but one nonetheless. Her physical needs were not all that lavish. Growing up in poverty herself birthed compassion from a young age. Rents had plummetted since Covid hit NYC and the once expensive living spaces were empty and reasonably priced. With the realization that lease agreements would change in a year, she settled quickly. An empty, worn, 3rd floor -500 square ft. studio -with a cast-iron facade on narrow cobblestone -fit her budget and taste. $1k, 1 year, a new 10012 zip code address.

This new life was to leave an indelible Tattoo on the Iris of her beautiful deep green eyes. Alien-like in nature grasping consistently at her soul. Forever — she will now “see” differently.

Covenant House is a privately funded agency based in New York City. It has provided shelter, food, crisis care, and services to homeless/ runaway youth since 1972. Covenant House attempts to build a bridge for young people in crisis to a life of security and self-fulfillment. It is a single step in a long process of healing for many. This organization has recently set out to include a data-driven movement to reach more teens and assist in the individual healing of their disrupted lives. This concept will strengthen its existing base. It will also provide a model for future Covenant House sites across the globe.

Changing the world with a simple Master’s degree and no experience in city life, youth culture, homelessness or crisis management is unrealistic at best. The initial interview for a social work job at Covenant House was really quite simple. She adorned a simple black dress, and low heels — a non-designer bag, not pretentious in the least. Resume in hand, she had no idea what lie ahead.

There were 12 social workers already a part of the “day shift” — two openings. The first interview came from Robin, a middle-aged woman in jeans, who asked simple basic questions. Education? Experience?

She was told that she made it to the second interview and that was all. Then, escorted to a small kitchen with three young adults, she was offered a coffee, a glazed donut, and a simple conversation. Each individual had a unique style, green hair, piercings, grunge clothing, conservative polyester — it ran the gamut. For some odd reason, she was not nervous. Over her black coffee, the four individuals just spoke about their own experiences as young people. Conversation flowed effortlessly - where they grew up, high school/family experiences/ travel, etc. It was all very casual. After about 45 minutes, she said “ When is the second interview?” Laughter. “You are in it.” — was the reply. Each counselor and worker brought their own unique experiences to the table. That was the purpose. She fit in. Whatever that meant- she fit in.

She sat at the table while another young man was escorted in. The same process, so she already knew he was up for one of the jobs as well. He was about 27 or so, well-groomed, in business attire — converse sneakers? Two donuts and two coffees later, the three original workers excused themselves and a tall older gentleman came in. He sat, smiled, and told them they are both hired, but there is a condition. The interview group found that although had an excellent education, both lacked true experience. The job is not about fluff and talk. It is about feeling and empathy with action. “Fueling the Soul” as he called it.

In order for the hiring process to go further, they must commit to one full week of living homeless on the streets of New York City. One Week — no more, no less. Services would be provided if in crisis. They could keep their personal phones but were asked not to use them. They would have the clothes on their back at the time- no more. No money, no food, no shelter. Nada. They could choose to stay together and help each other or apart- it made no difference. It was the experience that mattered.

The challenge was on.

Lauren and Zach met at Bryant Park in New York City. Located in Midtown Manhattan between Fifth Avenue and Avenue of the Americas and 40th and 42nd Streets, it was their first step into a new world. The director of Covenant House and one other counselor met them at the Bryant Park Cafe. They discussed the goal of this “experiment” and checked to make sure there was no money, wallets, water, food, or anything else except their phones with them. They were given masks ( optional to wear) due to the COVID pandemic in the city. Emergency contacts were placed on their phones, as well as, the find my phone application attached to the director's phone only. Discussion as to no contact with family/friends or anyone they have previously known for the week ensued. At that time, both were given a small pocket journal and a pilot pen -to use if they wished- to document their time on the street. They were off the grid. The two were asked to decide immediately if they were going to stay together or separate for the week. They chose to stay together. There were benefits to both options they were told. Safety won. Meeting at the same location at 10 a.m. exactly one week was the deal. “On the streets” in NYC began….

Day 1-Sunday, August 29th, 2021 -75 degrees- Partly Sunny- 40th /42nd street.

Equipped with each other — the clothes on their backs ( jeans/ tee shirts/ hoodies) they walked northward toward 42nd street. Although the area generally has an awful reputation, they decided they would look out for each other and together ask strangers for money. A number of refusals and negative looks armed them with just two dollars after 4 hours. Clean clothes and no look of despair, Lauren figured was a reason for the weak responses. They bought water from a local bodega and split it. Hunger began to set in, but they ignored it as they continued to walk around and quietly notice the new environment they embraced.

Nighttime in NYC between 40th and 42nd streets brings out a cast of characters. People bustling about continued of course, but at a slower pace than the daytime. The men on the street increased as did those pulling up in their Maserati’s for favors from women double-parked by corner coffee shops. Lauren and Zach — being their first night together told stories to each other — quick quips about the individuals they viewed in passing.

“Curley ol’ Guy” as they called him — lanky in ripped jeans and a dirty brown suit jacket- hung out on the corner by Starbucks. He spent hours talking to the men that drove up in fancy cars. Although they never saw money exchanged, they noticed after quick conversations- with his hand signal- a young woman would appear from around the corner and get into the car. When his hand signal moved upward- a woman from around that same corner would cross the street and enter the Marriott.

“Screaming Karen” as they called her- a long-haired bleached-blond woman in a funky prairie dress and black Frye boots- just paced and spoke very loudly at anyone that walked by. Her dialogue -from what they heard-seemed mostly political and rants about Mr. Trump and the present Global Pandemic. She loudly encouraged mask-wearing and “got in people’s faces”, but never touched anyone. For some odd reason all night long she carried a banana in her hand, backpack on her back.

“Red Letter” as they called him- was about 15 years old walking dressed all in red sweats including red Jordan Sneakers. He was quiet, pacing, occasionally asking for money from passersby.

Random people- catching a coffee and fast food — alone in their thoughts amid a never-sleeping New York City. Yes, New York City is truly never asleep.

They continued to walk..observe…tell little short stories about those in view.

Lauren Thought Bubble: People get lost in their minds and in the physical space on the planet. In a concrete world- it is easy to get lost in time.

Day 2 -Monday, August 30th, 2021-80 degrees, Sunny-Washington Square.

Hungry/ exhausted/hot from walking all night and with no money- Lauren and Zach went to Washington Square Park. Once in the park, they smelled food and headed in that direction in hopes of catching a meal from someone- by the food trucks. The 9.75-acre public park -in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of Lower Manhattan- tends to be a walking refuge for both tourists, creative souls, and soul-seekers. At the southern end of the park, they found Gyros, Tacos, Pizza, NY Porkroll and Egg ( not Taylor ham :0 ), Hotdogs, Cheesesteaks- and a strong wave of grease that permeated the air. They hung around -picked garbage as the hunger overtook their fear of the pandemic. The funny thing was no one cared. Not a single person cared/stopped or questioned them as they rummaged for food. Zach was increasingly frustrated, Lauren became more like a sponge — silent and soaking it all in.

The air was saturated by singing near the famous arch at the southern end of the park. The voice was strong, This arch commemorates the centennial of George Washington’s 1789 inauguration as President of the United States. It was created by architect Stanford White in 1891. They saw a young girl in jeans and a tee-shirt surrounded by a large group of teens. She was singing with a guy drumming a very large, filthy, black -rubber truck tire. She had no taste for shame- bold- bossy and brilliant. Her hooded glittery sweatshirt read Cassie and Tires…a glimpse at a trucker’s life.

They listened as she sang and he drummed…

Bass for Your Truck by Felt.

[Chorus] “Bass for your truck Bass for your truck Bass-bass for-bass-bass-bass for-bass-bass for your truck Bass for your truck Bass-bass for-bass-bass-bass for-bass-bass for your truck Bass for your truck Bass-bass for-bass-bass-bass for-bass-bass for your truck Bass for your truck Bass-bass for-bass-bass-bass for-bass-bass for your truck It walks like a snake then they can’t complain, Nah People love you and cling to their raw fumes Keep it up so we don’t see through your costume She has been a little queen since 15 In and out of different scenes, never kept her image clean….”

People listened- smiled, strolled on by. Some left money and some commented with many smiles. It was a moment in time. Touching one’s artistic side in a concrete jungle of disarray was mesmerizing and memorable.

Some moments in life are like that.

Memorable beyond language.

In this park, people hang out. People like to watch others in their madness and eat. People like to eat. They throw stuff away half-finished and even in 2022- many people litter. Lauren and Zach now like litter. Much can be found if you are in the “needed” mind space to accept others’ refuse- even during a global pandemic.

Previous notions of sanitation tend to get lost when you have no place to rest your bones. No stopping jaunt. Nowhere to be. They see the filth and germs and hunger takes the forefront. Both begin asking others for money and picking up scraps dropped. Two other older men were doing the same. People wearing masks were all about and they were now more aware of the virus now. Walkers were staying distant from each other. Was that a thing now? Today they foraged, only on the top of the trash can ( qualifying their own sense of “filth” ) as if it made a healthy difference. Porta potties were available and they were thankful to find them. It was nice not to hide, pee in a cup, and defecate in concrete secret corners of New York City.

The relationship between the two wanna-be counselors was amicable enough, distant enough- both taking in the depth of their experience. They felt safe in their togetherness, separate in their individual thoughts. They agreed it was not a pleasant time having no personal belongings or “space to rest/ replenish”, but the realization of taking the challenge as coursework- so to speak- took the edge off. Both agreed -a shower would be nice.

Zach thought Bubble: One can be homeless and not even be aware of it in their conscience sense. It is an ethereal essence known only in the depths of the soul.

Washington Square Park had a number of people and Zach made a game of just counting those with Tattoos. He counted 37. A tattoo is an inked representation of something meaningful to you placed with an inked needle that will forever mark your body. It has significance in that its purpose is a consistent and permanent reminder of that symbolic artwork engraved on your skin and soul. These emblems are manifested on any part of the human skin. He challenged Lauren. She saw 25 people within two hours with ink.

One can be marked forever in a spiritual sense not only in the physical realm.

Lauren and Zach now “see” their immediate world quite differently than the days prior. In reality, their glimpse is a very simple black and white snapshot of the truly colorful underground world of NYC. They are two twenty-somethings, both with secure families/prestigious histories and truly out of their element.

Life situations sculpt us from birth. The artistic rendering is most often not of own choosing. The influence of people/ places and our reactions and opportunities/values/ all play a part in our creation.

Lauren was feeling famished, yet strong. She realized that life could change in an instant and marinated that concept throughout the day. Zach, on the other hand, was sad overall and his empathy was creating a depressive disconnect with his partner. They viewed their present time now very differently.

“Feeling Sorry” has little place in an administrative role in social work at the Covenant House. Giving strength, opportunity and freedom of choice are key elements. There is plenty of depression in the streets of New York City- it needs uplifting, not consistent negativity. The role of social workers is one of hope and positivity. Zach needs a refresher 101 course in psychology.

Lauren noticed a cute thirty-something bearded guy working the taco truck. Given the impetus to speak to him, she walked up and told him she had no money and was hungry- he gave her 3 soft beef tacos and water. She lowered her head- and gestured to Zach on the bench and the cute taco guy gave her 3 more tacos. He then turned her back on her- somewhat dismayed.

Individuals react differently to changes in their life situations. Our coping skills vary- as does our personal acceptance of others. We have both inner conflicts due to physical space and emotional connection/ disconnect to those we meet. We are both consciously and unconsciously learning/moving/experiencing all at the same time. Cycles of life, Breath, Movement, Spirit. All entwined.

New discoveries — however, not expected- were being made within these two individuals in the depth of themselves. This experiment began with “experiencing life as homeless” and was taking a turn to “experiencing themselves intrinsically”. Life has many secret surprises in store for all of us.

The concept of mental health and homelessness is interwoven in all of us. Mental Health is clearly a much broader concept and placing limits on its relevance in culture is limiting. A more important construct is that along with our physical and emotional needs, mental health awareness and attention must be addressed for overall well-being.

Day 3-Tuesday, September 1st, 2021–82 degrees, Rainy -28th Street and Seventh Avenue, Chelsea Subway floods…

Rain, Rain, Rain — the Chelsea subway station — the spot where Lauren and Zach entered that evening was submerged in water - flash flooding turned stairwells and all platforms into waterfalls. This century-old system transportation system was ground to a halt. On this day, Hurricane Ida left a path of destruction. People were frightened to be trapped and ran for the stairway. Emergency personnel flooded the area and NYC Police were everywhere.

New York City flooding turned streets into waterways from Park Slope to the Cross Brox Expressway. The MTA -Metropolitan Transportation Authority evacuated trains that were caught between stations and service even though the next day remained limited. The historic rainfall created a waterfall in New York City, as well as New Jersey, with more than six inches of rain falling within a matter of hours. The entire event gave a new meaning to Climate Change. Such historic flooding has not happened in the subways due to rainfall and the forward-thinking politicians with their new infrastructure ban were all over the news in the days to come.

Lauren and Zach -wet to the core-ran with no direction in mind. The danger of the situation was evident especially with the mix of water and electricity in an enclosed/ confined area. Running up the Chelsea subway stop stairs, Zach literally looked both dazed and confused. He wanted to go into a previous employment space as he knew people to “help them”. It was his attempt at “running home”. They argued -Lauren thought that was a cop-out and he was using certain elements to not fully experience the trauma of being homeless. He had in his mind a “safe haven”. He knew people in that space and felt comfortable.

The point Lauren made was that others did not have a “safe space” ever.

Lauren was not about comfort- she was feeling a bit more resilient. She had noticed slowly through this process that her emotional state was far stronger than that of her partner. Interestingly enough- after the flooding incident- Zach had his first anxiety attack. He experienced increased fear and trembling- which Lauren realized and comforted through conversation and the development of a plan. Her thought process was again clearly much different than his. They walked to the Trinity Church Street shelter — stood in line with scores of others- and literally asked for help. The realization came that they could not do this “on their own”.

The way we process daily information, and events both positive and negative are quite individual. Comparisons negate the full effect life lessons including trauma have on ourselves as human/spirit beings.

Day 4-Wednesday, September 2, 2021 -86 degrees- Partly Sunny- Waverly Place.

In a corner lot between Bank Street and Broadway, the two awoke to the sound of the street sweeper. Nightmares of the floods were both vivid and terrifying. They spoke a bit less to each other now. They did both feel a bit defeated as they came to a single realization.

One cannot really survive being homeless alone/solitary, there is still a dependence in New York City on people and society at large to just exist.

Wishing for coffee- they set out to a local coffee shop to beg for money. They were dirty but dry and thankful for the worn church clothing they were given freely. The meal of chicken and rice that was provided by the church was a welcomed bonus to their decision. Lauren decided to pick up a used coffee cup placed it in front of her and began humming aloud. Zach distanced himself and laughed. Looking quite forlorn after three days on the street and sounding quite awful, she gathered four dollars in two hours….enough to split a plain bagel and water- not enough for coffee. Simple pleasures were way in the distance.

Zach stopped random people- kept his head down, hoodie on, and asked for coffee money. People were generally kind — he received $3.57 in two hours. They split the latte.

By day four, they no longer had thoughts of how they looked to others nor did they care to wear any mask in this COVID city. They were not thinking of their families or friends. They wanted to be clean, use a real bathroom and eat. They wanted food. Masks were everywhere. Social distancing signs were posted. Sanitizing stations. Restaurant tables outside. They have had no contact- even from the Covenant House during the hurricane- they were together/ alone. How nice it would be to see and hear the news, not from random chatter but from true journalism. Lauren wanted to read. Zach wanted to go home to bed.

Lauren noticed Zach seemed to be getting a bit more difficult as time went by. He was curt, quick to judge, and much quieter than when this experiment began. He went into Starbucks and came out looking “washed’. His hair was wet and his hoodie wrapped around his neck. He said he cleaned himself and started to clean the floors at Starbucks- without asking. Picking up paper cups, wiped tables with paper napkins, and then after noticing he was being watched- picked up the broom from the corner and began sweeping. Ten minutes later. Hired!

He had a new attitude and was told to return back each day for two hours- $10 bucks an hour 2 pm- 4 pm. No paperwork. No Tips. He was not to tell anyone “under the table” work was not to be advertised. They had another woman work the evening clean-up. He understood. He was elated. He told Lauren. Her initial reaction was surprising, she never thought of that angle. In deeper conversation with Zach, she felt the “experiment” quite compromised, but she acquiesced. Although there were no “rules” — to Lauren it felt like cheating. It was only a week she thought and they knew they would no longer be on the streets. They had a direction and a hope — others did not. She saw these actions by Zach as weak and grew more distant from him — yet stronger in her own self-confidence.

Often we learn from others the type of person we do not want to be.

They walked back to the park and slept together curled on a cool bench. They were woken only once by a roving patrolman- with a warning. They moved- then went back. No one else bothered them. They felt unnoticed, invisible.

It was like through their homeless persona… they melted into the fabric that is New York City.

Lauren wanted to become more engaged with others on the street. She wanted to know “their stories” and not just be making them up in her mind. Zach, on the other hand, needed to “get through” the week and be done with it. Totally different perspectives- an interesting dynamic.

Lauren Thought Bubble — working together and viewing life differently in terms of mental health, personal needs, and empathy toward others is a construct of individual manifestation and choice.

Day 5-Thursday, September 3rd, 2021- 77 degrees -NY University 14th Street and West of Broadway

Hunger, Rain, Tears. New York had a wonderful library. Primarily used by students- the library was opened to the mask-wearing public. They headed over that way and figured they had until 1:30 p.m. or so until Zach could get over to clean at Starbucks. It was an odd twist, but securing a bathroom and coffee/quick food was a gift.

Zach’s mental state craved routine and purpose. Lauren’s did not.

This key being unlocked might be the purpose of this “experiment”. The basic elemental findings to who we are and how we process both information and physical stressors. It is beyond intellect-total immersion is a necessity.

This added revelation made the day much clear. Lauren’s tears were a healthy release. No apologies were made. No questions were asked. Invisible to others, much more visible to self. Self-awareness now guided her.

Lauren needed a break from her homeless partner. Zach went off to his Starbucks gig and Lauren went into the bathroom of the public library and washed herself the best she could. To her surprise, no one approached her or questioned her. She moved frequently within the few hours about the library and poured through a gamut of reference material related to public service.

In one instant though she saw a Newsweek Magazine on the table and gasped. She had no idea the COVID virus was so intense. She sat and gathered news from the week and tears flowed from her soul.

Zach and Lauren had been concerned about their physical well-being alone not anything related to the world/family/friends. She freaked. She immediately called the director of Covenant House. He answered on the first ring. She moved to the bathroom to speak and told him where she was located. He responded that he knew each moment where they were as he had the tracker on their phones. In doing so- when at the library ( finally he said) he expected a call. He reassured her that both families were fine and no worries were necessary. He asked no questions only told her to relay the message to Zach and he abruptly hung up with the comment “See you Saturday”.

Lauren walked to Starbucks and waited for Zach. He did not come out. She waited for another hour-thinking he worked a bit more. Finally, she went in and asked for him. She was told he did not show up. She was then asked to leave.

Frightened she walked outside, back to the library, and found him sitting on the stairs outside- mask on. He had seen a billboard of the number of COVID cases in the city. He called the director and was waiting to be picked up. He quit the experiment. His anxiety got the best of him or the worst of him. He actually made no apologies to her and asked if she was going to wait and leave with him. She had no words. She went to hug him, he pointed to the mask, placed his eyes down, and recoiled. She left.

Day 6-Friday, September 4th, 2021-75 degrees- Sunny- Bryant Park by the Josephine Shaw Fountain on 40th street.

Dirty and hungry Lauren woke up around 5 a.m dark /quiet with three joggers making rude comments as they ran by. Lauren boldly stepped into the fountain, she “bathed” with her clothes on quickly before being spotted and running from security personnel. Soaking wet — feeling wide awake from the cool water — she dripped her way across the park and sat in the grass during the morning dawn awaiting the hot sun to dry off. Around noon she walked within Bryant Park and saw Cassie- the 15 yr old who was hanging by the food trucks / singing back on Monday- Day 2 of their “experiment”. Lauren approached her — complimented her creativity and asked if she would be performing in the park soon. Cassie was alone, a bit brassy and replied in a very loud harsh tone -“Nope” “He sold the TIRE!” “He needed a fucking fix and sold MY TIRE”…….

Funny how people process information. Cassie was clearly upset as her creative spirit had taken a downfall. Lauren, on the other hand, empathized and immediately began to problem solve. She was non-dismissive — and was able to connect to Cassie in a deeper way.

When you have nothing- find a lifeline- and if it is taken from you- you hurt. A piece of you is broken. Then, you are to find another lifeline. That takes effort. That takes work. Sometimes- that takes others to help.

Cassie lost her mojo as she connected her music/lyric/ sound style to the truck tire drum. Although her wheel was gone, Lauren knew Cassie had the fuel inside her to survive and thrive. At that moment, she befriended her.

They headed to a quieter area around 51st street and cowered in between two buildings to sleep. Eerie and fearful, they comforted each other with soft speech and stories of their own childhoods. The weather was warm- they shared a space- leaned on each other and slept for a few hours. No one bothered them and they spoke to no one.

Lauren learned much that day- Day 6- her confidence in her abilities was unmatched. Her compassion and diligence were not connected to a good education, wealth, technology, or fashionable clothing and accessories.

She discovered she had an innate knowledge of compassion and good judgment. She was now 24 years of age. She had an unmentioned birthday on the streets — Hurricane Ida day- which cleansed her of misconceptions of societal norms and brought her to a new sense of self. She was secure in herself and her new element. She felt strong and alive in the web of New York Covid City life. She knew work at Covenant House was her true destination.

Day 7- Saturday, September 5th, 2021- 77 degrees-Cloudy- 24 Madison Ave.

Cash for Junk Cars — the space of the previous evenings' rest. Hoping not to get sold in the back seat of a 70’s Buick. Edgar, the mechanic- woke the two with a start- made rude comments about “hook ups’ and told them to “Scram” They both laughed until they cried- they never heard the word “scram” used and they realized cars were used for “hook-ups” of all genders. It was Lauren’s last day on the streets for this insane interview process. She asked Cassie to sit down and told her the whole story. Cassie was dismayed and yet fascinated by the life Lauren led. They hugged and Lauren gave Cassie the phone. She said it was now hers in case she was ever in need. They walked together over to Bryant Park where this journey began seven days prior.

Met by Leo, the director at 11 am- they all of a sudden felt self-conscious. It was a new emotion as they did not feel embarrassed on the street — melting in with a society of the concrete. They knew they were filthy and worn down. Their rugged exterior nowhere came close to their dire emotional experiences. Cassie began to back off- he waved her forward. He greeted Lauren with a quick smile and walked toward Cassie. Lauren followed- no words were exchanged. The three stood together- maskless and Lauren quietly put out her hand. Within an instant, Cassie grabbed it- bowed her head, and walked forward with them.

Here amongst civilization- people showered, ate properly, worked. People had time to ponder life not just foraging for food and moment-to-moment warmth and safety. Here people had a “space”. That was a turning point for Cassie- she looked at Lauren…..and her eyes welled. Before anyone spoke- they knew each other's hearts.

Lauren’s new life was to leave an indelible Tattoo on the Iris of her beautiful deep green eyes. Alien-like in nature grasping consistently at her soul. Forever — she will now “see” differently.

If you choose to you may — Buy me a coffee?