Tame Your Tongue
A few years ago, I had a wake-up call about why I allow some people to get on my nerves.
But I was alarmed by how sometimes I react and slap a label on them
“Inconsiderate jerk”
“His mother did not teach him manners”
I was assigned to the dreaded middle seat on a long flight with two large human beings on each side.
Then entered Chuck (I saw his name on his carry-on bag).
He was brusque in his manner, sat down heavily, paged through his magazine furiously, and then followed with “man spread” (legs wide open and arms spilling over the armrest on my side)
OK, I said to myself, “I can manage this, just ignore him and make myself small”. Then came the headphones and his iPod that shut him out from the rest of the world. I have no problem with people listening to music while they travel.
But then he began singing loudly.
By now, I was starting to stereotype Chuck.
He was reading an engineering magazine, and I did what I told others not to do; I started to label him by saying, “OK, here is a geek with no social skills.”
Fast forward. After three hours of “enduring” this insufferable passenger, we ended the flight. After we landed, he took off his headphones. I (impersonating a human being) asked him where he was going.
What followed pricked my illusion that I am always a good judge of others.
He was soft-spoken, friendly, and showed an interest in me. As I reflected on the incident afterward I concluded that we often prejudge people through the lens of our,
- Current physical state. There is a saying that I learned from people in Alcoholics Anonymous. When we are vulnerable, we use the acronym H.A.L.T. H = hungry; A = Angry; L = lonely; T = tired. It is easy to gripe over spilled milk when we are exhausted.
- Past hurts. We all have our ‘hot buttons’ shaped by past experience. When someone ignores my needs, instead of detaching from the situation and not taking myself so seriously, I can become reactive and not see the person or situation for what it is. It then becomes very difficult to disengage from the ‘problem’ person.
- Temperamental tendencies. I am an introvert, and after a period of heavy involvement with others, as my work requires, I want to be left alone. And that included my physical space.
- Inclination to believe the worst about others. If a piece of gossip is repeated many times over, we tend to turn it into the gospel about a person/situation. Why is it that we believe in unfounded gossip?
Chuck invaded my personal space, airwaves, and generally got on my nerves.
Next time we find ourselves responding with irritation or prejudice towards others, we would do well to:
- Strive for Self-Knowledge. Understanding ourselves in that situation makes it far easier to respond and not pre-judge, react, or come from a place of prejudice. And with insight, self-regulation becomes much easier. One of the earliest lessons I learned as a psychologist was to monitor my feelings, sort them out, and respond to others. Self-awareness always needs to be balanced with self-regulation.
- Critically examine public prejudice. Politicians and gossipy neighbors are notorious for poisoning our well. Don’t believe bad press about others until you walk a mile in their shoes. Repeated gossip does not make a fact. Get all the data on a person before you jump to conclusions.
- Allow the “difficult person” to be your teacher. Some of my most important life lessons have come when I ask, “what does my overreaction say about me? My pet peeves? My sacred cows?
We heed the warning in Scripture “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. But no person can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”
