Talking to My Past Self

You’ve got this.

This is a response to Jordin Kelly’s Thriver Challenge. Write a letter to your past self during this hard time, honoring all they’ve gone through and have yet to overcome. Thanks to Jordin Kelly for the challenge.

Hello.

I thought I’d dash off a line and send it in the new postage to the past feature the Post Office started offering. I wonder if you are getting lots of letters from the future. The postage is expensive, so probably not.

I remember the tough spot I was in back then and thought I should send a note. Time travel makes pronouns so difficult. I don’t know whether to address you as a separate identity or as myself. I’d ask for feedback, but you didn’t leave any. I would have received it by now.

You have had a few rough times. I thought about sending the note to you in that house overrun with mice. I didn’t think a 7-year-old would deal very well with a letter from the future. Mom probably wouldn’t have let you read it. I can’t send a letter to her, warning against marrying that abusive SOB the following year. It is against the rules.

We aren’t supposed to change life decisions, just provide tips and emotional support. So a letter sent to 1972 was out.

I thought about writing to you in college. That bathroom mirror stare down was a big moment for us. You made the right decision. If you hadn’t put down the razor blade, I wouldn’t be around to write this letter.

So, I moved forward to your day today. I know you are dressed for court. Please look down at your feet. You need to change one of your shoes. Grab the second navy pump out of the closet. You are currently wearing a black pump on one of your feet.

I have a memory of sitting in the witness chair at court in a couple of hours and glancing down at my feet. I couldn’t believe I was wearing mismatched shoes. My thoughts kept flying back to the shoes as the judge dissolved my old life.

Try not to be angry when you see that HE isn’t in the courtroom. He has trouble doing the hard stuff. You know that. It isn’t about you. It is about him.

You will be ok. It is all going to be ok. You’ve got this. The kids will have some rough times but you will all make it.

The hard times aren’t over. You will have another, large disagreement. It will wind from doctor’s offices to another courtroom, with another judge.

Your heart will be broken but you will still be standing. You will have someone at your side, holding the pieces of your heart together, when you don’t feel up to the job.

He’s a good man. He’s a loving man. He’s got your back.

So much wonderful stuff is ahead for you. Yes, you must pass through a tough time. In the end, though, your heart will heal. You will feel safe. You will exhale.

You will wake one day, looking around and see all the good. Then, you will decide to write a letter.

Hang in there.

Me

P.S. Don’t feel bad about the grey hair you will discover in the car mirror after your divorce hearing. You earned it.

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