SOCIAL MEDIA | OPINIONS

Talk to the Hand—Keyboard Cowboys with Trigger Fingers

Inappropriate commentaries are great learning lessons.

If my name was Jen, I would encourage people to call me Zen Jen.

I have such a settled spirit that most purposeful triggers, instigators per se, have little to no effect on me. The naysayers try, unsuccessfully, to elicit an angry response. Zen Jen.

I also love a good rhyming nickname.

Sigh, it’s not to be.

I achieved this state of wellness due to self-awareness and personal discoveries, which are never-ending. They have added quality to my soul and are exciting parts of my journey.

My revelations are not daily.

They also carry different weights; some are little, Huh, who knew? And, some are, Wowza, I love this new discovery about myself.

I sprinkle my fairy dust of newfound insights in almost every conversation. Sharing is caring and I stand by that philosophy.

Frequent vocalizing of deeper understandings may, in fact, help me stay Zen just as much as the others I hope to enlighten when I share.

One such lesson is that I am the only one who can control my reactions.

I need not answer to ankle-biters, or even lame attempts to undermine my mental wellness. I can, and will, diffuse and deny any self-absorption of darkness by using kindness and compassion. However best I can massage it into my reaction, I will.

Stifling negativity with kindness works for me.

And so, when I posted an article recently that generated a lot of interest, it also generated a lot of comments. Most of the reactions were resoundingly similar, and people shared their emotional stories in return. The support came predominately from other women who had experienced the same relationship angst, but not entirely.

A few men also chimed in with their positive viewpoints about learning and growing. They showed a sympathetic or empathetic side regarding the pain. Men are not immune to imbalanced or troubled relationships.

I valued the input from every angle because pain is universal and not gender-specific.

I took a leap of faith and wrote this deeply personal and emotionally revealing story.

Sometimes, we have a conversation with a friend that inadvertently prods us along. That is what happened to me. Something about chatting with Danielle Loewen has me revisiting a tidbit either one of us shared. She has a casual way of planting seeds, which I am sure she is unaware of and offers thought-provoking statements. So, for the second time, I wrote about an issue she and I had lightly glossed over.

I wrote my recent story without softening or sugarcoating ~ an honest look into my soul.

What was indisputable, and resonated with 98% of the commenters, was that I was narrating a piece of my life. A no-brainer for the reader, right?

They were my emotions, based on my viewpoint and direct experiences. A snapshot.

Some very triggered men were beyond condescending as they sprinkled their long-winded dissertations with occasional backpedaling to disguise the ignorance of their words. I use the word ignorance in its purest form, the not knowing, and without malice. One spent a lot of time pontificating my unwritten words and unexplained details.

What to do?

Cry? Crumble?

Try to over-explain how wrong they were in the assessment?

Yeah, um, No.

I had two clear choices. It seemed obvious which one to use where and when. My decisions were based on a case-by-case basis.

1. Leave a heartfelt response and wish them continued happiness

To leave a sincere response is simply my nature.

The polite me wants to acknowledge someone who took the time to respond to one of my articles. Though a passive-aggressive approach, filled with an apparent need to insert their own relationship shortcomings, may seem more challenging to foster kindness, it can be done. It is actually easy, with practice, and highly recommended.

The offender cannot argue by themselves and will quietly disengage. If they continue to fight by themselves to prove a point I am not interested in, I will resort to my second choice.

2. Ignore them and move on

I thought this choice would eat at me, but it did not and still does not bother me. I learned some time back that you cannot expect to reason with an unreasonable person.

Take that as gospel. Truth. Word.

If you have not mastered this, try it faster than …yesterday. It is a wonderful feeling to have the strength to close a door. Remember, it is a door of negative energy, so it’s in your best interest to shut it out.

Here are some fine examples:

Names were purposely omitted not out of respect but to avoid inflating their egos with further misinterpretations. They would misconstrue the intent of my sharing and may convince themselves I care beyond the learning lesson they supplied.

And, that lesson has to do with my sense of pride that I did not buy into their need to deflect their issues and use me as a punching bag.

Example 1: No mystery here, as this comment clearly indicates what my response should have been, and was.

What?

Ignore.

Example 2: This next comment made me laugh immediately upon opening, so I had to highlight the best portion and answer just for fun and in fun.

Example 3: This was so long-winded and filled with judging me while insisting he wasn’t. As in a classic controlling diatribe, he analyzed with inaccuracies, belittled me, and tried to step on me. Then he added that I shouldn’t take it personally. His lecture was too long to screenshot in one take so, I offer a couple of highlights.

Lo and behold another man, (but this one a true pragmatic gentleman) offered his response directly to the man above. It was a beautiful moment, and I thanked him for his input. He had no skin in the game and rode shotgun of his own volition.

The man who called me selfish for destroying everyone’s lives went on to call me fragile for responding. Direct statements, judging me, that he would then pawn off as not being personal. I didn’t address any of that, I simply said something benign like best wishes for continued happiness.

Can you say, bully? Delusional and passive-aggressive? I’m no doctor or counselor and don’t want to rush to judgment. His response seems to reveal some underlying issues, perhaps. But, they’re not with me; he doesn’t even know me.

What a big man to step on a woman who shares her emotional journey.

When he qualified his statements and that they were made in the interest of spreading knowledge or advice, I wondered whether or not anyone taught him that emotions are not arguable. I felt sorry for him and the unresolved pain he harbors.

So, after one shot of kindly thanking him and wishing him continued happiness, I went into my second choice.

Ignore.

You can’t reason with the unreasonable.

Shut the door.

I enjoyed the 5 anti-supportive comments (out of 125), especially the one who pretended he wasn’t rude, for one reason only. We need life lesson pop quizzes to ensure that our boundaries are firm. I passed the test. Negativity will not cross into my space.

Only I can control that line, and I do.

My heart continues to swell with gratitude for so many brave women, and yes, the courageous men who responded in support.

All have walked a similar journey, and empathy and compassion oozed from their words. I appreciate each and every one of them. We have our own stories to tell and no one should shut us down.

Have faith that healing comes; it did for me. I kept my eye on wellness and never wavered as I walked toward it. It’s a wonderful place to be.

May we all find continued peace, love, mutual respect, and caring as more and more of us join hands in kindness.

We are not alone.

There’s always you, me, and Zen Jen.

Connect with me and say hello!

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