Talk to me, Medium

I’m a good listener

Claudia Ciobanu has challenged me to write a personal story about phrases. Which five phrases I’d like to hear, and which — I’d rather not.

For the last three months, I’ve been conversing predominantly with Medium, so I decided to share with you which phrases, coming from my favorite platform, make me giggle with pleasure, and which ones — sob with despair.

So,

I just love it when Medium tells me that…

…she likes my sense of humor. Medium, you’re a good servant of your queen. If you keep repeating that, I promise I’ll make you laugh every five minutes. I’ll make you laugh so hard that the stomach cramps will break your ribs (ouch!).

…she has a new super cool article for me to read. Medium, most of your articles are medium-level (not mine, the queen’s pieces can never be anything but grand), but now and then there’s one of these super-cool stories that I’ll read once and then once again, and then once again, and then I’ll stuff it into my brimming reading-closet because I can’t simply remove it. It’s more precious than Sauron’s ring.

(I seem to have quite a few Sauron’s rings gathered in the reading closet. Beware.)

…she has found new followers for me. I just adore you when you say that, Medium. Please, repeat this magical phrase a few times a day. What? You say I should follow the smallfolk back? Oh, how can you be so rude? Do you want to ruin my superb royal mood now?

…she has earned a few more dollars for me. I just can’t get enough of you talking money. Only, can you start talking about some more money, please? Now, a queen needs a palace, beautiful garments, delicious and rare food, and exotic holidays. You know how much does this cost, don’t you?

…she has just the right idea for a story for me. Oh, Medium, we’ve got it! Now we’re going to be viral! Viral, viral, viral! Fame and money! The queen is dancing salsa and Rufty Tufty!

I absolutely hate it when Medium…

…says that she has noticed a few typos or, worse, a few stylistic errors after the grand story had been released. I’m quick to edit them, but how many people have already seen my majestic work meanwhile? You should have a built-in Grammarly thing in your editing part, Medium. There are queens writing stories in here.

…repeats quietly in my ear that there are undoubtedly some typos I have missed; some typos that even Grammarly has missed, but none of my readers is telling me that. Surely not out of courtesy. No, they are happy to read my typo-infested work and laugh heartily. Ho-ho-ho! I can imagine ten thousand guffawing Santas behind their screens in their cozy homes, holding their shaking bellies. Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho! Why are you giving your queen such nightmares, Medium?

…tells me that I should stop writing and reading and go eat and drink some water. And pee. Now, that’s annoying. Don’t you know, Medium, that your queen practices sun-eating? And her skin absorbs the invisible drops of liquid from the air? Do you have any idea how healthy your queen is? What, peeing? I exude the excess substances back into the air through my skin, stupid.

…insists I should oblige my people and repeat the process of clapping a few times because there’s a glitch in her system and while Medium’s fighting the glitch, I should become more down-to-earth and clap and clap and clap for these smallfolk. I hate it when she also points out that I need to read the article slooooowly( the Whole Royal Day is lost over one article) and that I need to listen until the very end, including that exasperating join medium with my referral link trash, oh, please, who’s joining medium with your referral link? My eardrums?

…says there’s no point to continue writing because everything is already written out. ‘Look’, Medium points out, ‘there are a million articles on health and philosophy; a billion fiction and non-fiction stories; there’s simply nothing new you could add. Nobody’s going to read your stuff. It’s pointless, I’m telling you. Give up!’

Dear Medium, you should know something. Kings and queens never give up. They never step down even if they have absolutely nothing to say. It’s genetics, you know. To keep on trucking until someone beheads us.

And we are all kings and queens around here, aren’t we?

Don’t stop spreading your glamour around, my lovely royal Medium family!

(I promise nobody’s going to take your head any time soon)

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