Taking Time Away From a Narcissist Parent Has Saved Me
Understanding Emotional and Physical Health Connection
Growing up with a narcissistic parent made my years as a kid very lopsided. You aren’t aware of what is happening, and as a biracial Asian female, I was not allowed to use my voice, not that I would have known how to use it at the age of 5. But that set me up for a host of self-esteem issues as an adult.
I was constantly told what to do and how to do it by the narcissist parent, while my absentee father was dodging his own bullets. When I was 15, my parents told me I would cook for the family. I had never cooked before, so I did my best that first night. It was a total failure, according to my mother.
Fifteen was also the year I contemplated suicide. You can chalk it up to being a teenager, and there is some truth. But my family and I had just moved to the US, post-Vietnam War, and being a biracial Asian female created tension in my mostly-white community. In other words, there were layers of trauma over my young life.
Fast forward a few decades as I limped through young adulthood, constantly struggling with fatigue. The compounding effects of trauma, depression, and anxiety had taken a toll on my body.
In 2013, I was diagnosed with extreme adrenal fatigue. I had already been battling hypothyroidism for many years, which is where I thought my fatigue stemmed from. I opted to change course with my medical treatment and moved away from a medical doctor to a naturopath doctor. That was the best decision ever!
It has restored my health on so many levels. The expertise and knowledge of a naturopath doctor have been life-changing due to their holistic approach to health and medicine. My recovery has taken longer, but I wouldn’t change the path.
In other words, a naturopath doctor considers physical and emotional health connected. When one is out of whack, it has a domino effect on the other. That knowledge has saved me.
My naturopath doctor eventually prescribed meditation, because she knew I needed to learn how to institute healthy practices to manage my stress. I’ll never forget the day she said, “I want you to meditate three times a day for 20 minutes.” I hung up the phone, thinking what kind of doctor prescribes that? Oh, right. A naturopath doctor!
The other aha moment occurred a few years ago when my therapist said she thought I might have had adrenal fatigue all my life. What does that have to do with mental health? Everything.
Adrenal depletion eventually leads to depression, foggy brain, and several other not-so-pleasant symptoms. Your adrenal glands are two triangular-shaped glands that sit on top of your kidneys. One of their functions is to process all the stress in your body — environmental, physical, and emotional.
My therapist alluded to the fact that being raised by a narcissistic mother and the racism in my teenage and adult life have wreaked havoc on my physical and emotional health all my life, not just during one portion. It didn’t help that when I got to university, I headed deep into a world of alcohol and drugs. It became my coping mechanism for survival. When I finally decided to right the wrong, I only turned to another obsession—exercise.
That helped with dopamine levels, but tanked my adrenal glands.
Fast forward a decade, and living on my own, I began to take time away from my mother, the narcissist. It dawned on me that I needed to do that to preserve my sanity, much less my life. I soon realized the distance helped clear my head and heart. I could breathe again.
A few years later, a boyfriend encouraged me to seek therapy. I was shocked and insulted when he first mentioned it, because I thought therapy was for crazy people. I mean, I wasn’t crazy, was I?
No. He gently explained that therapy might help manage and navigate my childhood trauma. My defense mechanisms kicked in as I declared not having enough money or time. He then told me about a local university where I could get therapy at a reduced cost, because they were all graduate students doing their practicums.
Did I hesitate? Heck yeah. I was admitting something was wrong with me.
I definitely had “it’s them, not me” syndrome.
That was so many years and therapists ago that I now tell people that everyone can benefit from therapy.
Years later, after I married, I realized I needed to take time away from my mother. My father had passed years prior. It was time. To cut yourself out of the spider’s web can be difficult and painful, even for yourself, but necessary if you want to heal organically. You can’t have complete healing if you don’t.
When I sensed it was time, I cut off communication. The funny thing is, she didn’t call me, and after getting over the sting of that, I realized I didn’t care. In fact, I was happier. It ended up being a two-year period of more healing and happiness.
Healing is a long process, especially when PTSD is involved. It takes a lot of work, time, and perseverance. You don’t just snap your fingers and wake up the next day healed.
Fast forward to the last few years. The only time my mother calls is when she wants something. It’s never to say hi or see how I’m doing. When I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and bedridden for six months, she never called to see how I was doing. Not once in that six months. Nothing has changed on her end.
That’s the reality of dealing with a narcissist. Everything is about them and for them. If it doesn’t fit into one of those categories, it's nothing to them.
My current therapist is EMDR trained. After hearing a few friends talk about this phenomenal therapy to help rewire your trauma-ridden brain, I sought her out. I knew I had to see if it would work for me. And, it has. Again, I’m a believer in slow, steady plodding, so I’m happy for the progress I have made.
My mother is now in her final years, and after reflecting on how I wanted to see this relationship through, I knew I wanted to see it to the end. Once closing our business in California, I decided to move cross country to be closer to her. No matter how much freedom my brother and I will have when she passes, I knew I was doing this for myself, not her.
It has not been easy for me to admit that aloud, but it is the truth.
My mother no longer has a hold over me. If you know anything about narcissism, the lack of control my mother has makes her spin out of control as she continuously attempts to put her claws back into my soul.
My new reality involves viewing her as the disease that controls her and not the woman who happens to be my mother. Narcissism is a personality disorder. So, when she spouts off, I sit back and remind myself that I am dealing with a personality disorder, not the person.
I also remind myself that though she was the woman who gave birth to me, she has not been a mother. She has not been capable. It’s not in her. I’m okay with that because I was fortunate to have been surrounded by a village that loved me, supported me, and encouraged me throughout the years.
I am not bitter or angry. I know that I was born for a purpose and finding and keeping the course is my focus.
Am I perfect? Heck no. No one is, right? So, each day, I meditate and listen to my inner voice to keep me as healthy and sane as possible.
With everything I have learned over the years, I am encouraged and hopeful. And the bonus is that my naturopath told me after previous blood work that if I keep doing what I’m doing, she sees my thyroid completely healed after 30+ years. And, yes, there is a connection between thyroid health and trauma.
