Taking Off the Old Self; Putting on the New

I got Baptized today. It was going to be at Blue Hole, but the all of the rain and flooding pushed us into friend’s very nice, warm pool. I was surrounded by close friends and church family. And guess what? God was there too. One day I will tell the story of how I ended up hearing God after practicing closing my ears to him for so many years.

Three and a half years ago, when I was still at the beginning of crawling out of my dark night of the soul, I had just been to a church service where I felt the presence of God. Grace and love washed over me there; an experience hard to put into words. A mix of joy and understanding — a knowing in your gut. Unworthiness made worthy. I opened the Bible and read these verses and found that they spoke to me so loudly I had to write them down:

“But I know your rising and your sitting, your going out and coming in, and your raging against me. Because your arrogance has come to my ears I will put my hook in your nose and my bit in your mouth; I will turn you back on the way by which you came. And this shall be the sign for you: this year you shall eat what grows of itself, and in the second year what springs from that; then in the third year sow, reap, plant vineyards, and eat their fruit. The surviving remnant of the house of Judah shall again take root downward and bear fruit upward.” 2 Kings 19: 27–30

I recognized this, because it had happened to me. Because of my stubbornness and my arrogance, God had to put the bit in my mouth and the hook in my nose to steer me back on the path. I insisted on doing things the hard way. In my journal, three and a half years ago, I wrote this under those verses: “It will take me a while, maybe three years. I will start planning for the future now. Not putting off for tomorrow what could be done today. God helps those who help themselves.”

I remembered this today when a friend told me I am at the beginning of a race, but starting so far ahead. I don’t believe I am starting far ahead. It’s a matter of perspective isn’t it? Though I achieved trappings of worldly “success,” I spent 20 years stagnant in many ways, my soul preserved in alcohol, my mind imprisoned in ideology, both waiting to be set free. In comparison, a lot has happened in the past five years. In the past three and a half years. And in the past year.

I left an evil ideology. I left my career in entertainment and folded my company. As I started to speak truth and to speak against my old belief system, I let the Great Unfriending wash over me as “allies” (not friends, allies) cut ties and some publicly denounced me for leaving the cult of Social Justice. I waited to see who my real friends were, and those are still with me to this day. I set fire to my old life, transforming it as part of the new. I let the dead wood burn off, as Jordan Peterson would say, and then new things began to grow. I made new friends, based on shared values and principles, not ideology. I began and then quit a toxic relationship. I started going to church. God pulled me first to a spiritual center, then to a Catholic church, then to an Evangelical church, then to a Cowboy church and finally to my home church, Church on the Square, in Georgetown, TX. I met my good man, the man I am going to marry in nine days. I gave up drinking — which I thought I couldn’t do. I gave up sex before marriage — which I thought I couldn’t do. I started smoking and then gave up smoking — which I thought I couldn’t do. I started going back to the gym. I work a variety of gig jobs that pay the bills and give me the freedom to speak truth and not be afraid of what I might lose. I’m learning how to sing and how to stand on my head. I would like to try to have a baby.

I would not be where I am today, I would not have the peace and contentment I have today, I would not have the love and joy I have today, I would not have the solid foundation I have today were it not for God. None of these things came to be, before God started speaking to my heart. I didn’t envision the life I have now. I couldn’t have. The old me would have thought it awful and absurd. The old me wasn’t real.

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

In AA they talk a lot about surrender. Surrendering to a higher power. Before I was a Christian I never liked the idea of surrender. I didn’t understand it. It seemed weak. Having gotten into Social Justice ideology by entering through the Feminist door, “surrender” seemed to me the opposite of “empowering.” It took me a long time to realize that surrender is the strongest thing you can do, depending on what you are surrendering to. The truth, for example. God is the truth. I didn’t understand what that verse meant, for the longest time: that He’s the Way, the Truth and the Life.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. This will bring healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:5–8

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

“They’re all running to the beach To wash their bodies clean To wash their minds clean ’Cause they all want to leave The waves won’t stop you They won’t forgive you Only you can stop it Make the right choices Leave your vices at the door And do the right thing They’re all making excuses They’re all lying through their teeth Say their pasts have ruined Their entire futures But what really know The waves won’t stop you They won’t forgive you Only you can stop it Make the right choices Leave your vices at the door And I’ll wait for you on the other side I’ll wait for you on the other side I’ll wait for you on the other side The other side I’ll wait for you I’ll wait for you on the other side I’ll wait for you on the other side I’ll wait for you on the other side The other side”