Taking a Little Break
And I already know what you’re thinking…
You’re thinking, “But Knittel, you hardly ever write anymore anyway? You’re already on break. And besides, only attention-seeking cunts write article titles like this…”
And while both of those things are true, it’s hardly the memory I want to leave any of you with. As it stands, if my writing “career” ended right this very moment, and I was asked to offer my last impressions of it, I’d be forced to say, “Well, I hardly wrote at all in the end…and when I did I was an attention-seeking cunt.”
So I’ll be back sometime soon, if for no other reason than not wanting to go out like that.
I’ve been on medium for a year. I just realized that a few moments ago. This may seem like an insignificant amount of time to many of the veterans here, but for me it’s an eternity. Outside of masturbation, I haven’t demonstrated this type of consistency in any other area of my life.
In fact, up until this point in my life, I’ve developed the type of existential resume that would cause any sensible man to feel nothing but deep regret on his death bed…
Upon meeting God at the pearly gates, I imagine I’ll be confronted with these shortcomings in a PowerPoint presentation, and reprimanded in some way before being allowed to enter…if I’m allowed to enter at all. “Mike, you’ve disappointed me,” God will say. “You quit writing, wrote one of those ridiculous attention-grabbing stories before you quit, and spent exactly 27.34560% of your life masturbating when you could have been volunteering in soup kitchens and stuff like that…
…you’re a cunt, frankly…
…and we haven’t even gotten to your weird butthole fetish yet.”
The great writer, David Foster Wallace, once said something that has always stayed with me. And while I’m too lazy to seek out the specific quote, I’ll offer a paraphrase. After the interviewer, Charlie Rose, asked Foster Wallace what a day in the life looks like for him, he offered a response that went something like this: “I write, or I try to write…and when I’m not writing I sit around and worry about how I’m not writing…”
Long before I ever began writing in earnest, I was indulging in this exact same thing: worrying about not writing.
It’s been a daily ritual almost; I do it much in the same way most regular people shower, use the toilet, or brush their teeth. Which is to say it’s something that must be done, and I can’t avoid it.
It’s not something I’m inclined to tell people. They wouldn’t understand. It’s the type of thing that would be met with blank stares, at best, and get you baker-acted, at worse. “I’m truly honored that you’ve asked me to be best man at your wedding, but I’m afraid I’ll be busy worrying about not writing that day, so go ahead and ask Dave instead…
…and hey, who are these fellas in the white lab coats and how did they get in my apartment?!? Get away from me!”
Writers are designed to punish themselves. And if you’re not punishing yourself in some way, you’re not a writer.
I’m perfectly okay with the punishment, but I can’t punish myself across multiple dimensions into perpetuity…
What are you saying Mike?
I’m saying I’m spreading myself too thin, and I’m saying I can only tolerate so much punishment, so I’m going to consolidate my efforts for the next month or two and work on that elusive book almost exclusively.
Ah, the “book”.
We’re all working on one, aren’t we? And even if we aren’t, we feel compelled to lie and say we are. Actually, I don’t even consider it a lie — if you’re a writer it’s more like a story than a lie, and allowances need to be made.
Anyway, call it what you like, but just know that if you’re not engaging in this little ritual then your motivations are misguided, and you need to pull yourself together and start lying to everyone asap.
So, a quick review…
How to know if you’re a writer:
- You punish yourself regularly about your lack of writing.
- You lie about a book you have in progress, and you do it both shamelessly and with an unwavering regularity.
Moving on…
My occasional efforts here on medium certainly don’t prevent me from accomplishing my goal of writing a book. That’s not it…
It’s the worrying about not writing on medium that prevents me from focusing on the book…
And the worrying about not commenting…
And the worrying about not clapping…
Etc.
So I’m determined to get out ahead of it.
Like I said, I’ve been here a year, and that’s an investment in time and effort. Would be a shame to see it all go to waste, and I fear a one or two month break may do just that.
It’s easy to get consumed with all the goings-on here. I’m committed to reciprocating with my readers and maintaining that connection, but it’s become a bit of an annoying compulsion now…
Were I dying of dehydration in a desert somewhere, and were I seeing the illusory images of an oasis and a laptop computer off in the distance, I’d likely ignore the oasis and use my remaining strength to reach the laptop while stammering something like, “must…clap…and…comment…for…Darius…before…all…is…lost!”
Darius is brilliant and eminently readable, but I should probably go for the oasis in that situation. You folks see where I’m going with this?
In short, I can’t focus on my book and worry about this space at the same time.
So I’m cutting the cord temporarily. I’m guessing for a month or two, or however long it takes me to develop a proper writing schedule and balance my work and energy. Once I’ve accomplished that, and developed some momentum with the book, and I’ve learnt to distribute my energy appropriately, I’ll free some up and return here and begin publishing my drivel again.
I’m 45 now, getting to be an old man, and feeling a sense of urgency in all areas of my life. I’m prepared to harness what’s left of my energy and to pour it all into what’s left of my dreams, and to begin right this moment.
And I’m determined to meet God’s judgemental gaze with confidence when the time comes. So whether he’s calling me a quitter or a cunt or ridiculing my article titles, I’ll be fully prepared to look Him dead in the eye and say, “Ha! You forget about my butthole fetish dude!”
Special thanks to Tai Le Grice for the inspiration. Your last piece was very useful.
And special thanks to Ben Human and Frank T Bird for inspiration as well. Your excellent books have given me the impetus to try my luck at it too.
See y’all down the road.
