Take Control of Your Thoughts and Adjust the Way You Experience Life

Overcome self-defeating behaviour and learn to trust yourself

We will never be able to find joy in life if we view ourselves as inadequate. The way we see and think about ourselves influences the way we experience the world around us.

No one chooses self-defeating behaviour, it’s a result of how we perceive ourselves. We need to realise that the reason we view ourselves negatively may be due to our past experiences, but it is possible to work towards erasing those thoughts.

Self-defeating behaviour is often a result of fear, so once we figure out what makes us afraid and how we can overcome it, we can understand how to take care of and stand up for ourselves.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

Understanding our behaviour

When we experience self-defeating behaviour, we must understand that it’s a result of our past that has developed into a bad habit. Like any bad habit, it’s difficult to break out of, especially because this behaviour often makes us feel afraid.

The problem is that this behaviour often leads to us ruining our chances of a happy and successful life, also known as self-sabotage.

It’s not easy to control self-defeating behaviour, because the triggers are often subtle and unnoticeable. It is how we react to certain situations that make us feel as though we’re not good enough, or incapable of doing what we set out to do.

The issue is that we often don’t pay attention to our thoughts. Reactions are a result of our thoughts, and they can be hard to control. We should learn when to ask ourselves why we’re thinking the way we are before the self-defeating behaviour, not after.

This behaviour is often caused by fear, and when we feel a strong emotion like dread, anger or fear, it can become hard to control. We tend to react before we think about what we’re doing, which is the root problem with self-defeating behaviour.

How self-defeating behaviour works

Our imagination plays a large role in the way we feel. When we feel anxious, we tend to create unrealistic expectations that make us feel much worse than we would if we would just focus on the reality of a situation.

The thoughts we think are out of our reach. We can’t control the thoughts that come up in our mind, they just appear. Our brain is programmed to solve problems, so if we’re going to do something that makes us nervous, we try our best to prepare for it.

For example, if we’re feeling anxious because we have to give a speech, our brain knows that we feel a negative emotion and tries it best to solve the problem by helping us prepare the best we can.

Anxiety often stems from uncertainty, so we attempt to eliminate that by thinking of everything that can go wrong.

This causes us to doubt ourselves and our ability to give a good speech, so we might end up giving up at the last second. Our imagination and our thoughts determine what we do in this situation, and because we already feel negative emotion, our experience and “what-if” thoughts become heightened.

When this happens, there is a good possibility that we will think “why” after the fact, because looking back at the situation it seems completely unreasonable why we would think that way.

The key is to stop those thoughts and ask ourselves why we’re thinking them before they make us spiral into the dangerous territory of “I can’t do this”.

“All forms of self-defeating behaviour are unseen and unconscious, which is why their existence is denied.” — Vernon Howard

Why we push ourselves down

Self-defeating behaviour is rooted in self-sabotage. It’s when we push ourselves down and further away from our goals, rather than towards them. When we do this, we usually end up feeling emotionally drained and ashamed because we ask ourselves why we thought those things after the fact.

This behaviour is often a result of our previous experiences and thoughts. We tend to feel afraid of the possibility of failure, and as a result, we stay away from the possibility of happiness and success, as well.

1. Trusting ourselves

We have to learn to trust ourselves and our judgement. If we shy away from risks because we’re afraid of the possibility of failure, then we can never reach our goals and succeed. We tend to expect the worst from any situation, but we must learn that we can trust our instincts and take the risk.

2. Difficult conversations

Steering clear of difficult conversation makes us feel safe. We’re avoiding conflict and disagreement. However, if we go into a disagreement with an open mind about the other person, then we can learn from them and become wiser instead of putting difficult conversations off.

3. Procrastination

Many people procrastinate. Maybe because they are afraid to face the task or because they are simply putting it off because it’s not enjoyable, we have to learn to stop procrastinating. If we divide our tasks into more manageable, bite-sized pieces, we may find it easier to complete our tasks.

4. Eliminating negative self-talk

When we keep telling ourselves that we can’t do something, we will eventually believe those thoughts. We have to turn them around from “I can’t” to “I don’t want to” and stop telling ourselves that we aren’t capable, or good enough, or strong enough.

Overcoming self-defeating behaviour

Often, we are so afraid of failure that we are not able to succeed. It all boils down to how we feel about ourselves.

The way to stop self-sabotage is by first understanding the root cause of the problem. If we learn the reason behind our thoughts and negative thought patterns, we can learn to rewire our thoughts to make them less intrusive.

We should also take note of how we’re feeling during any situation where we notice self-defeating behaviour so that we can learn to create new, healthy habits instead.

Apart from keeping track of how we’re feeling, we should also learn to control our reactions. If we keep avoiding situations where we’re afraid, then we will never grow and create good habits.

If we want to eliminate self-defeating behaviour from our thoughts, then we need to be patient and tenacious. It takes time to break out of bad habits, but with persistence, we can learn how to speak up when we need to and avoid self-sabotage.

“Whatever your present situation, I assure you that you are not your habits. You can replace old patterns of self-defeating behaviour with new patterns, new habits of the effectiveness, happiness and trust-based relationships.” — Stephen Covey