Taiwan Shaken By 6.5-Magnitude Quake

China threatens: “Next one will be bigger if you don’t stop pissing us off!”

China national news organization, Zhong On-the-spot, has relayed a stern warning after Taiwan suffered a mild earthquake: “That was just a taste, Taiwan. Next time we won’t be fucking around.”

Is it possible for a major superpower to cause earthquakes?

Duh. You do know that China controls the weather over Beijing, right?

The emperor gets up, looks window of his palace, and says to his right hand man, “Hmmm, I wish it would be a little cloudier. I’m going for a walk outside, and I don’t like the sun in my eyes.”

Presto. A few cloud-seeding planes are launched. By the time the premiere goes for a walk, it’s perfect. A nice cumulonimbus blocking the harsh rays of the sun, and he says, “All is right with the universe.”

Yesterday, as the rebellious island nation Tawain shook from a temblor, the premiere was watching and instructing the technicians in the earthquake control room.

“Turn it up to 6,” he said, but of course he was speaking Chinese, sorry I should have made that clear.

They turned it up to 6 and some buildings in Taiwain started shaking — there were about 40 giant TV screens in the control room, and the premiere was enjoying the show.

“Six point five!” he ordered.

The main operator looked at him in alarm.

“Are you sure, sir? Six point five.”

The emporer frowned at this impertinence. He pushed a little gadget in his hand. The main operator was vaporized. Another operator jumped in to take his place.

“Six point five, sir!” he said, as he turned up the dial.

“That is enough for now,” said the emporer. Oh gosh, what an idiot. I realize I’ve been calling him an emporer for half this article. He’s not really an emporer. He’s a Supreme Leader or something. He’s a God, basically. He can change the weather. He can make the earth tremble.

But for the purposes of this article, he really should be referred to as General Secretary of the Communist Party, general secretary of the Central Committee, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, and President of the PRC. Oh, that’s too much damn trouble. I’m just going to keep calling him the emporer.

Suddenly the Emporer’s face reddened.

The Richter scale was showing the earthquake had gone back down to zero.

“What is the meaning of this! I want more shaking.”

But at that point, the Emporer was handed a note. Apparently the Tawainese had some technology given to them by the CIA that blocks earthquakes from going on too long. It’s called an earthquake blocker.

“Drat!” said the villainous Emperor.

In a secret warehouse in Langley, Virginia, the CIA has been informed that their anti-earthquake device was working according to plan.

“This is the win we needed,” said the head of the anti-earthquake squad. “Since the Chinese just humiliated us by sending a missile all the way around the world without us knowing about it ahead of time. America’s back on top!”

“What do we need to do to combat this CIA earthquake stopping technology?” demanded the head of the Chinese Communist party and so on.

The members of the earthquake team were silent. Then one spoke up.

“Sharknado,” is all he said.

“Sharknado?” repeated the Big Boss.

Was the Emporer about to reach for that gadget again and vaporize this impertinent underling?

The tension was palpable.

The moment seemed to last forever.

And then slowly, an almost imperceptible smile appeared at the corner of the Big Boss’s mouth.

“Ah yes,” he said. “Sharknado. I like it!”

So anyhow, Taiwan, I’d watch your ass if I were you. Either you are going to be flattened by a bigger earthquake in a little while. Or you are going to be attacked by a sharknado.

A call came down to the CIA headquarters in Langley.

“They fell for it,” said an agent. “They’re going to release the sharknado.”

Yes, that brave agent who suggested the sharknado was a mole. A CIA plant. Or was he?

“Your work as a double agent has paid off,” said the Premiere, to the impertinent double agent who had suggested the sharknado. “We were able to mod those sharknado plans you gave us from the Americans so that instead of backfiring and making us look like a bunch of low budget B-movie hacks, we’ll be able to scare the pants off the Taiwanese and force them to accept our phony two systems-one state charade.”

And then all the Chinese gave a villainous laugh.

Meanwhile, in a secure location I cannot disclose the whereabouts of, a vicious, angry, and very destructive sharknado was drooling. It had scented blood.

That’s because it was feeding time.

“Here you go Sharknado,” said a handler, and he threw fourteen goats into the enclosure.

Snap.

The sharknado devoured them in one gulp.

I would not want to be Taiwan right now. Just sayin’…