Tactical Empathy Can Help You Close the Deal and Get What You Want
Tips learned from a former FBI hostage negotiator
Chris Voss used to be the FBI’s foremost international hostage and kidnapping negotiator. After leaving the agency he became the CEO of the Black Swan Group, Ltd., an organization that offers training centered in the principles found in his book on negotiation entitled, Never Split The Difference. When you truly understand the person you are negotiating with you can develop influence that is based on trust rather than coercion. This is how you get what you want out of a deal or out of life while still keeping the other side happy.
Chris Voss has taken the sum of his FBI training and experience over 24 years and translated it into how to successfully negotiate with anyone. Never Split The Difference promises to help you “Learn how to apply counter-intuitive techniques from hostage negotiation into any situation — business or personal.” Live seminars and online learning help students acquire the tools of tactical empathy, which is the foundation of his negotiation strategy.
I recently watched Chris Voss’s MasterClass on negotiation and devoured most of it in one sitting. His recommendations were practical and well-explained, even though some of them were a bit unusual sounding at first. For example, he says to ditch the “assertive voice” because what you think of as direct and honest actually comes across as combative. You may be inadvertently putting the other person on the defensive without even realizing it.
Voss’s outlook on negotiation is that you should never view the other person as an enemy, and you certainly should never treat them as such. Instead, consider that you are two parties with different aspects of the same problem. Understanding how the other party looks at that problem is the key to being able to empathize with them in a way that leads to resolution.
This is not to say that you have to agree with the other person’s position, you only have to understand it. But if you can get a good handle on what is important to the other side, what they are worried about, and what rules they are attached to, it is much easier to find a collaborative way to work things out than if you tried to simply bulldoze them with force. Building rapport and gaining trust by demonstrating that you understand their priorities means using emotional intelligence to get what you want.
As anyone who has tried to sway someone who is emotionally attached to their position knows, data and logic are not enough to get someone to change their mind. Making your case through reason isn’t necessarily going to get you the result that you desire. Instead, figure out what is possible, based in part on what they want and bring that possibility to fruition by better understanding the emotions that are driving them.
It’s not enough to just ask, “What do you want?” Things that make intuitive sense to them may be completely off of your radar, particularly when an emotional hook is in play. Also, different terms mean different things to people. Unless those deeper elements and objectives have been fleshed out and there is a real mutual understanding of the issues at hand, it can become a significant impediment to reaching an agreement.
Mirroring is one way to gather more information while making the other person feel engaged and involved. It’s a simple technique that invites the speaker to add additional information by repeating the last 1–3 words that they’ve said as a question.
“I need to have that merchandise in stock by the end of February.”
“End of February?”
“Yes, if I don’t have it in stores by the 28th, I’ll miss the opportunity to get important Easter sales.”
“Easter sales?”
“Yes, what we take in around Easter is a significant portion of our yearly revenue but we need to have it ready to go several weeks in advance of the holiday.”
Without asking any direct questions, and without revealing anything about yourself, you have now gained important information about what motivates the other person and why. Voss says, “It also builds the relationship, by being genuinely interested in other people. Using a tone of voice that is demonstrating real curiosity invites them to say more and it’s a good way to defuse someone who is being confrontational.”
You’ve also learned something about what is important to them that wasn’t necessarily intuitive. Not only have you made them feel valued and heard, in the process but you’ve given them an opportunity to share that without feeling peppered by questions that might possibly put them on the defensive. Rather than hounding them for details, you’ve invited them to collaborate with you in getting their needs met.
Labeling is another simple yet powerful technique and it serves the dual purpose of clarifying information but also reducing anxiety or anger. Voss says, “Verbal observations might be the most useful tool you have to unwind and solve problems.” When you label a difficult emotion, it demonstrably defuses it.
Telling someone “You sound upset,” or “I feel like there is something you’re worried about that we haven’t yet touched on” is a powerful avenue towards getting emotions that are standing in the way of agreement cleared up. You’re essentially naming the elephant in the room and this technique works because it gives the other person a chance to reflect. “Am I worried right now?” This kind of triggered contemplation takes the raw emotion down a notch although each emotion will have to be labeled several times before they are entirely defused.
Labeling also helps to build the relationship and ups the trust-based influence of the speaker. It’s the lowest maintenance most durable type of influence there is. Labeling is a very straightforward and powerful technique, but it needs to be done correctly in order to yield the desired results.
“What I’m hearing” is the wrong way to label because you’ve inappropriately inserted I into their thoughts. You only want them thinking about what is going on for them. Additionally, don’t make the mistake of explaining or adding in any follow-up. The contemplation that labeling stimulates is what brings the level of emotion down. Unnecessarily interrupting that contemplative process with too much other chatter will break the spell. Let the label sink in and have its effect.
On the flip side, labeling something that is positive reinforces it and also demonstrates tactical empathy.
“I appreciate you being so generous with your time” is an effective way to disarm someone who is feeling frazzled and short-tempered because they are busy. It’s another way to have that person feel seen and validated, and this too leads to trust-based influence.
Mirrors that lead into labeling can result in invaluable information coming to light. After a great label, mirror some of their response and you’ll undoubtedly get more information that further clarifies what the status of the negotiation is. You’ll also know more about what else you need to move it forward. If there are contradictions between your thinking and theirs, you are much more likely to get the information you need to work that out through this process.
It’s always better to articulate these disconnects sooner rather than later and to not just have them banging around inside your head. You don’t want anything that could sabotage the negotiation cropping up just as you are about to close the deal. Fair is the F-bomb, as Voss likes to say. People will destroy deals if they feel they’ve been treated unfairly, and choose to walk away instead with nothing. His recommendation is to be pro-active and let the other side know upfront that you value fairness. Tell them that you want them to tell you if they feel anything is heading into an unfair direction and then take it seriously if they do.
There are, of course, several more elements of tactical empathy, such as the use of tone of voice, and body language. Rather than an assertive voice, try the easy tone of a late-night DJ or the playful voice of an accommodator. Chris Voss has guidelines for when each is most appropriate. He also has tips on how to tell when someone is lying, and how to ask calibrated questions. There is a whole segment on getting ahead of negatives by doing what Voss calls an “accusation audit.” It’s a really meaty and substantive technique and I loved learning more about it. I can’t wait to put what I’ve learned into practice.
The most powerful aspects of this negotiation style come from using emotional intelligence to connect with and understand the other person. With this level of information, you can not only understand what drives them but have what you need to bring them around to your way of looking at things. According to Chris Voss, most people are in 3–7 negotiations a day. Learning to use tactical empathy means you get more of what you want more of the time while having the other side believing that it was their idea.
I’m not affiliated in any way with MasterClass or Chris Voss and received no compensation. I just thought his ideas were fascinating.
