SATIRE

Taco Tuesday at the Crematorium

Your mouth’s on fire? It’s supposed to be!

“Don’t open it!” I told my husband, “It’s a cremation advertisement.”

Always one to heed my directions, he ripped into the envelope.

“You’re so paranoid,” he said, “Look, it’s a coupon for a Mexican restaurant.”

Then he read the fine print.

Free Seminar and Mexican meal presented by Smart Cremation!

See those bright tacos pictured above? They were in the ad from the Smart Cremation company.

Now’s a great time to consider cremation!

Smart Cremation’s been trying to get their oven mitts on our bodies since we turned 50. Along with AARP, they fill our mailbox with cheery reminders of our impending doom.

• “Not dead yet? Congrats! Stay at our San Diego location and learn about our cremation services!”
• “Still breathing? Congrats! Come enjoy a steak dinner on us! We’ll Heimlich you, honest!”

The crematorium’s inviting us to a TACO dinner and FREE seminar?

How about some side dishes, Smart Cremation?

You can lure us oldsters in with some gimmicks! ¿Por que no? Check out these Fiesta Fun ideas!

• Your loved one becomes a human burrito! We’ll wrap him in a giant burrito blanket, with an orange cheese fringe at the neck! Available now on Prime! not kidding!
• For an extra $50, we’ll preserve you and your spouse and make a burrito supreme, enshrouding you both! You’ll burn with a bright blue flame with our secret sauce lighter fluid!

Don’t like the burrito idea? We’ve got options!

• Your ashes can be upcycled — from cremation oven to pottery kiln! You’ll be a unique piggy bank! No need to visit Tijuana. Grieving’s done when the kids break the bank of Grandma. Hopefully they haven’t done that while you’re on this side of the grass!
• Your ashes can be stuffed into a colorful Piñata, with a paper mache likeness of your image at death! Gray complexion? we’ve got you. Rosy cheeks? We can do it. Blue overalls? So cute. Your family can beat the stuffing out of you! It’s not confetti! It’s Grandpa!

Enjoying this Salsa Danse Macabre? Me too. Let’s keep going!

• Sign up for our Pace-maker salsa! We’ll get you “all fired up!”
• Get crispy with crunchy fried churros, made at our crematorium! We’ll provide chocolate dip in a special urn for the family!
• Who do the bells ring for? Our Taco Bells ring for you!
• Enjoy our mariachi band playing Johny Cash’s “Ring of Fire!”
• Chili today, hot tamale? Don’t worry about the weather! You’ll warm the space for your family when we Bar-B-Que You!
• For an extra fifty dollars, we’ll pack you with fireworks and extend your peek-a-boo viewing window to ten minutes! You’ll go off like a rocket, and leave explosive memories. We’ll throw in twenty tacos, and la familia can continue explosive fun at home later.

You get the idea

I’m not throwing away the colorful advertisement from the Smart Cremation Mexican Fiesta.

I’m putting it on the fridge so I can use the phone number to order take-out from the Mexican restaurant!

Hope I don’t accidentally phone Smart Cremation instead.

Enjoy your weekend, amigos! If you think of anything I forgot — some fun phrase to conjoin tacos and the cremation biz, feel free to comment! Winner gets a box of wooden matches.

Thanks for reading my story! I’ve got lots of them, so come visit me and pass some time while you’ve still got it!