T-Rex Decides to Live in the Bathroom

That primeval idiot…

I woke up earlier than usual this morning. Guess I had way too much water before going to bed.

Not wanting to cause a raucous, I tiptoed to the bathroom. To my surprise, the light was on.

I remained by the door. Surely they’ll come out any minute now, I thought.

I waited and waited and waited…nothing. My, oh, my! What was happening? Was it Dad, with his perennial bladder issue? Was it Mom, tweezing out her eyebrows? I know she prefers the bathroom mirror for that. Was it my sister, texting while sitting on the toilet?

But I knew. Worst of all: I knew I knew. Still, I knocked on the door. Even before he answered, I just damn knew.

“I’m not coming out,” said a raspy voice.

Yeap, that’s right. It was T-Rex, all locked up in the bathroom.

What was I supposed to do now?

“Hey, T-Rex, what are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m staying right here. You can’t make me come out, Michael,” he answered.

Jesus, he’s calling me by my full first name. This did not look good.

“Come on, let’s talk. What happened? What’s this nonsense of you staying in there?”

“I’m staying here…forever,” he said. He can be a melodramatic bitch sometimes.

“Well, I don’t think that’s a good plan. You see, the rest of us, we need to use the toilet. And you might end up getting hungry. Remember last month, when we went camping, and you forgot your snacks and almost ate Dad?”

“Oh, yeah…” he said. Bingo! I was on the right track, guilt always works on T-Rex. It’s a vestige of looking at his prey in the eye before killing it, or something like that, according to his therapist.

“So, just come out. I’ll…take care of some business first, and then we’ll talk.”

“What business?” he asked.

“Just…things,” I said, trying to make it sound like an inconsequential matter.

“You are just trying to get me out, aren’t you?” said T-Rex, throwing in a few roars. “You don’t give an actual fuck about my problems, Michael.”

“No! Me? Come on! Thank you very much for your lack of faith, dude,” I answered, trying to sound as offended as possible.

“I just…I feel like nobody gets me. And I know they mock me behind my back,” he said.

“Mock you? Who? Why?” I asked.

“I have heard them when they think I’m not paying attention,” he said. “They mock my teeth because they are too big. And then they mock my hands because they are too small.”

And now he was weeping. Fucking weeping. If I didn’t do something soon, he was truly going to stay in there.

“Ok, I’ll tell you what. Don’t come out. But let me in so we can chat, ok?”

He was silent for a moment. I could hear all the prehistoric gears in his brain thinking about it. And I could feel the pressure on my bladder growing stronger by the minute. What if I just pissed on the corner?

“Ok, you can come in,” he said.

He opened the door, and I entered. What a mess!

There were tons of snot-stained kleenex, half-eaten chicken drums, and the chewed-off head of some dude. His dark brown hair looked familiar.

“T-Rex, is that Tony Eichmann?”

T-Rex swallowed hard.

“Maybe…” he said. “But he called me small-handed prehistoric beast!”

I paused for a bit. That was kind of accurate, I thought. But after thinking of Tony’s body being digested in T-Rex stomach, I decided it would be better to shut the fuck up.

“That was very unkind of him, T,” I said. I added a pat on his knee for extra sympathy.

“I know, Mike! I know,” he said. Well, we were back to Mike, that was something.

“Listen, T, there will always be people who call you names or try to make you feel bad about who you are. But don’t listen to them. Most likely, they are just jealous,” I told him while doing a little dance. Oh, my, I was definitely going to pee on my pants.

“What would they be jealous of?” he asked.

“Well, you are one of the most interesting kids at school. And they did make that special seat for you so your tail wouldn’t hurt, didn’t they? And you have the best teeth in the entire block, heck, the entire town.” I really couldn’t think of anything else, but this seemed to be doing the trick: the sobbing was subsiding.

“Yeah! Yeah! You are right, Mike. I shouldn’t have let Tony Eichmann get in my head.”

Apparently, the irony of what he had just said didn’t register within him.

“Nope, you shouldn’t have,” I said.

Then we both looked at Tony’s head. Jesus, even dead he is good looking.

T-Rex opened his mouth wide and swallowed the whole thing. He burped a bit.

“T-Rex! Come on! What did Mom say!”

“Sorry…but he was wearing some polyester pants that are making my tummy hurt,” he said.

“You are nylon intolerant. What made you think polyester would be different?” I asked.

“Yeah…I didn’t think of that.”

I looked at him, this primeval idiot.

“Ok, so no more polyester pants for you in the future. Got it?”

“Sure, sure…thank you, Mike,” he said.

“Don’t worry, pal. By the way, what’s this whole thing about saying my name every 5 seconds?” I asked.

“It’s something my therapist said. Apparently, when you constantly say the other person’s name, it makes them feel safer around you,” he explained.

“Hmmm. I see,” I said, pee almost coming out of my eyes. If he didn’t leave right now…

Luckily, he stood up from the toilet and headed outside.

“Good night, Mike, you have given me lots to think about,” he said.

“Any time, T. Now, if you don’t mind…” I gestured at the toilet.

“Oh, yeah, privacy. Sorry,” he said, locking the door behind him.

Oh, sweet waters! I swear, I thought I was going to cry out of happiness as the pee came out of me. Such a glorious feeling.

And then there was a knock at the door.

“T? That you?” I asked.

“Yes…Mike?”

“Yeap, it’s me. You do remember I was already here like 10 seconds ago, right?”

“Yeah, sorry. It’s just…I also ate Mr. Thompson and Tiffanny Nilsson,” he said.

I paused.

“T, you mean to tell me you ate our school team quarterback, the coach, and our lead cheerleader?”

“Yeah…”

I sighed. And here I was, thinking everything was going to be cool now.

“Ok, I’ll be out in a minute, and we’ll have a little chat.”

“Ok, Mike,” he said.

“And stop fucking calling me Mike.”

“Yeah, sorry, Mi…sorry.”

I could hear him dragging his paws away. Boy, was he going to be in trouble with Mom! And the school principal! Not even his cute hands and shiny teeth were going to get him out of this one.

I finished my business, washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled a bit.

“Ah, T, life is not boring with you around, I’ll give you that,” I said to myself.

I dried out my hands and opened the door. There was a long day ahead of us.