Surviving the Holidays: A Guide for Grinches

How to manage a love-hate relationship with the holidays

My family used to joke that I married the Grinch. I come from the Whos of Whoville — metaphorically speaking. My family is very holly-jolly in that we go all out for the holidays with food, decorations, and gift-giving. My now ex-spouse was never into it, and it always felt like I carried all the weight of the season on my shoulders. I put up the tree alone. I sang Christmas carols by myself and watched all the holiday specials on my own. I bought all the gifts. I brought all the joy.

And I was f*cking exhausted.

My Love-Hate Relationship with the Holidays

If I’m honest, I have a love-hate relationship with the holidays. My family might have been the Whos of Whoville — if the Whos were dysfunctional and scheduled family arguments for the holiday season. We tried to get along, but we were very different people with a lot of baggage from the past. It created mounting anxiety around the holidays even though those arguments are few and far between as we’ve grown older.

I’m a person who lights up at the sight of holiday lights and decorations. I love looking at store windows dressed for the season. I put up my tree as soon as the spooky season ends. I adore giving gifts. Choosing a thoughtful present for each person makes me happy. I love baking cookies with my kids and driving around to see the decorations downtown. I love opening up pajamas on Christmas Eve and snuggling up with a good book.

But I hate the mounting anxiety. I hate the years when my desire to buy thoughtful gifts is outweighed by a broken budget. I hate feeling like I have to do all the physical, mental, and emotional labor of the holidays as a single parent — and knowing that I had to do it all even when I was partnered. I hate feeling the pressure of another year coming to an end and the thought that the holiday never quite matches my enthusiasm for it. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I hate not being able to take paid time off because I work for myself, and there’s no one else to cover the bills if I don’t. I hate that seasonal depression often sneaks in when all I want to do is soak in the season of joy and goodwill. I hate that I often feel obligated to go somewhere when all I really want to do is stay home.

It’s an interesting experience to both love and hate the holidays. I try to adjust my expectations. I try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter if I can’t afford to give the gifts I’d like as long as I show up and make the most of our time together. I tell myself that bad years don’t last forever, and good years come back around. I try to focus on the joyful aspects of the holiday as a grounding exercise when the anxiety threatens to overwhelm my nervous system.

The holiday season also brings up my not-good-enoughness. I have an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I’m good at buying gifts. I know how to choose ones that are thoughtful, interesting, creative, and occasionally hilarious. But this year, I put it all on a credit card because of impulse control issues and financial overwhelm — and merely made my situation worse. Even in the years when I can afford my own bougie budget, I have a constant feeling of inadequacy. None of it feels good enough. I take joy in giving gifts more than getting them, but if I’m honest, I wonder how much of my gift-buying expertise is tied to my desire to earn love, acceptance, and approval.

How to Survive the Holidays: A Guide for Grinches

I’m going into this holiday season with my eyes open. As much as I love it, I know that the anxiety coexists with the joy of the season. I can’t deny it. I can’t ignore it. I can only breathe through it.

But that’s not all I can do.

Remember: Your Best is Good Enough

I have to remind myself that doing what I can is good enough. I have to reimagine the holidays in accordance with my broken budget. Instead of buying advent calendars for one and all, I made one this year and filled it with small goodies. Instead of going to the expensive holiday light show, we’ll check out the free neighborhood lights. As much as I’d love a wintery getaway, I settle for a cozy one at home and tell myself that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.

Try these one-minute affirmations for the holiday season:

Be Kind (to Yourself and Others)

The holiday season is hard. For every single person running around like a Who, there are Grinches out there just trying to make it to the new year. Sometimes, I feel like I’m a little of both — especially this year when the overwhelm feels like an avalanche crashing down around me. It’s important to be kind to others who might be struggling through the season, but it’s equally important to extend a portion of that kindness to ourselves. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to not be in the mood to celebrate. A little self-compassion can even help us be more compassionate to others.

Here are some easy ideas for random acts of kindness:

Look for Joy

If we look for reasons to be sad and stressed during the holidays, we can easily find them. Grocery prices are exorbitant, and income isn’t exactly rising to help meet our needs. The world feels like it’s constantly on fire, and there aren’t enough of us trying to put it out and make things better. That’s all true. But if we look for joy, we’ll find it just as easily. It’s everywhere, too.

So, I think about the parts of the holiday season I like. The lights. The music. The nostalgic films. Hilarious but affordable gifts. Holiday treats and cozy evenings. I’m not ignoring my problems, but I am seeking out joy where I can find it. And it’s there. It’s always there.

Holiday anxiety is normal. Here are some practical ways to manage it:

Be Here Now

Sometimes, my anxiety chant is breathe-breathe-breathe. But other times, it’s be-here-now. It’s a reminder to be present in the moment. Anxiety sometimes comes from elsewhere — past experiences and memories or future worries. Even when it’s coming from the present moment, it does no good to try to pretend it away or run from it. So, I tell myself to be here now. To feel the feelings even when I don’t like them. To remember that the feelings will pass if I let them.

I experience the moment I’m having without judgment. I give myself a little space and kindness to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. I don’t let the past or future take over my thoughts. I bring myself back and remind myself that I don’t want to miss any moments of the life I’m living.

The following grounding exercise can help you stay in the present moment:

Spread Joy, Not Stress

I often ask my kids if they’re making a situation better or worse. It’s an important question for anyone to consider. Sometimes, we spread stress with constant complaints and a negative attitude when people are already struggling. Without being fake, we can learn to share our joys as easily as we share our unhappiness.

I am stressed about finances, but my children are excited about the holiday season. I don’t want them to worry, so I do what I can to share the things I’m excited about rather than dwelling on all the things we can’t do this year. Next year, all the events I love will still be waiting. This year, my kids need me to make the holidays happy, memorable, and magical — not stressful.

If anxious thoughts are bringing you down, try this technique to clear your mind:

Soothe the Nervous System

Sometimes, holiday anxiety is rooted in the nervous system. It’s coming from the past, and it’s bringing back challenging memories. When that happens, we need to learn to self-soothe. I’m aware of my triggers, and when they come up, I do things to make myself feel better. I might talk it out with a friend, take a nap, or just go outside and walk around until I feel better. I look for ways to calm down and remind myself that the past does not have to be the present or the future.

Try the following meditation to help soothe your nervous system and recharge your social battery:

Ask for Help

Thanks to my unbridled credit card spending, I don’t need help getting gifts for my children this holiday season. But some days, I get overwhelmed. I’m learning to ask for help.

I remind my children to do their part to keep our home tidy. I ask my parents for a grandchild sleepover so I can get a night off to decompress. I’m honest with friends who want to do something outside my budget and suggest doing a free or affordable activity instead. Sometimes, we need help, and there’s no shame in asking for it — even if the help is just a little bit of understanding.

Here’s how to ask for help — and get it:

On Surviving the Holiday Seasons

I love the holiday season — when I don’t hate it. I want to make new and happy holiday memories. But I also know that some seasons are hard. They try our patience. They demand our resilience. They might even challenge our resourcefulness.

But seasons pass. All we can do is try our best to enjoy it and to be kind to ourselves when we can’t. If we can be kind to others as well, it just might make the season a little better and brighter for all of us.