Surviving Infidelity

When Reddit teaches me about the consequences of my actions

Surviving Infidelity is a sub on Reddit. Me being a heinous cheater, I look at it from time to time. It’s like electric shock therapy.

How bad am I?

Pretty damn horrible.

What are the consequences for my poor spouse? He’d be lumped into four categories according to surviving infidelity’s metric:

• First, post DDay (the day the affair was discovered by the betrayed partner), sifting through the shock.
• Second, sort through the affair fog.
• Third, slow recovery, if that’s possible.
• Fourth, recovering and forgiveness.

In italics are my thoughts.

Stage 1: Just Found Out

This stage can last up to two months after disclosure.

The betrayed spouse is in a state of shock.

“I can’t believe you’ve done this to me” type of shit. “I don’t even know you anymore.” You never knew me. “How did you even hide this for so long?” Because I’m a good liar.

I haven’t been outed, but even I know the inevitable words. “I can’t sleep next to you.” I can’t either. “You make me sick.” I’m sick of you, too. “Do you think about anyone other than yourself?” No, and yes. Just not you.

Stage 2: In the Fog

This stage can last between two months to two years of disclosure.

The betrayed spouse’s emotions swing wildly.

The cheater regrets the pain they caused. I’m not sure how much regret I’d have, honestly.

“I don’t know why I’m still here.” We should just divorce. “This isn’t ever going to be the same between us.” Yeah, duh. “Why wasn’t I enough for you?” Because you weren’t. You really don’t want me to tell you why. I’ve already caused you enough misery.

Or your spouse has a “revenge affair,” and you stagnate at this stage of recrimination and disillusionment for what feels like an eternity.

“You had your fun, and now I have too!” “I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine.” “Now you know what it feels like.”

It’s a process of take and taking. One of you is spiteful and in pain and lashing out. The other feels like they deserve the beating. I wonder if I’d put up with this stage. I think I’ve had enough self-flagellation to last a lifetime.

You either throw in the towel and call it quits or slowly plod along painfully to the next stage.

Stage 3: Slow Recovery

This stage is up to two years after disclosure.

Once the fog starts to clear, both of you get to work on the business of recovery. Seeing a therapist, or counselor, building your relationship, and owning that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

“We are both responsible for this.” “We can’t let ourselves get to that point again.” “I don’t want to lose you.”

You both see your relationship as worth saving despite the affair.

“We’ve had so many good years together.” “Why do we have to throw this away?”

Would I get there? Again, I don’t know. I feel like I’m not willing to tie myself down to an obsolete version of monogamy with zero sex, to boot. I know I’d be tempted to cheat again.

Stage 4: Recovered

This stage is indefinite. Disclosure was years ago.

It’s no longer a daily thought in your life. Yet, you have managed to move on and move forward.

“We are better than before,” you both agree despite the affair. “There’s no one else I’d rather be with.” “We are happy.”

That’s the goal. Reconciliation. Building trust again.

What would my hubby do? I don’t know. What would I do? I would let go. I don’t think I’d want to continue this sexless humorless charade.

“You’ll be happier without me,” would be my response.

I know I’d be more cheerful on my own. And so would he. That’s another version of “recovered.”

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