Surviving Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

Summary

This text is a personal narrative detailing the author's experience living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) from childhood into adulthood, characterized by the presence of another personality, referred to as "DD," within the same body.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of their lifelong struggle with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), describing an ongoing internal battle with an alternate personality, "DD." This personality is depicted as a volatile and intimidating presence, often engaging in harmful behaviors, which starkly contrasts with the author's own gentle nature. Despite the challenges, the author acknowledges their inability to separate from or eradicate this other identity, recognizing their shared existence and the complexities it entails. The narrative touches on the potential origins of DD's behavior in early childhood trauma and the author's reflections on the emotional toll of living with this disorder, including feelings of sadness, fear, and the struggle to maintain a sense of self.

Opinions

The author perceives DD as a separate entity with a distinct lineage and temperament, which is at odds with their own identity.
DD's behaviors and characteristics are described in a way that suggests they are a source of shame and distress for the author.
There is a clear sense of resignation and acceptance, as the author has come to terms with the fact that DD is an intrinsic part of their life and cannot be removed or fundamentally changed.
The author expresses a mix of empathy and frustration towards DD, particularly when reflecting on the impact of DD's actions and the emotional pain they cause.
Despite the challenges, the author has made a commitment to coexist with DD, acknowledging the deep connection and dependency between the two identities.
The author suggests that early intervention or understanding might have altered the course of their relationship with DD, hinting at regret for missed opportunities.
The narrative conveys a strong sense of personal resilience and a desire for others to understand the complex nature of living with DID.

My true account of surviving this disorder from youth to adulthood.

What Is Dissociation?

Dissociation or dissociative disorder is a mental process in which a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity. The phenomenon can range from daydreaming to more severe forms like dissociative identity disorder (DID). According to the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation, there’s a strong correlation between early childhood trauma and the development of DID.

While dissociation can be a natural response to trauma, chronic dissociation can interfere with everyday life and well-being.

Early in my life, I met up with another person. We have the same body but different personalities. The other name for him is dissociative identity disorder, but that’s a mouthful, and you’ll hate it when I call him that. So, I call him DD, not to get myself in a muddle.

I listen to him turn cruelty into charm. His ancestry goes back to the Norsemen, invaders, slashing bodies, and drinking blood. He gets mad with anger. Sometimes, when he’s drunk, he hangs around dark street corners, behind doors, scaring people to death.

There’s something in him that wants to present himself as a someone else.

Anyone who knows me understands this is not who I am. Or what if you understand me differently? When DD is around, I disappear. I don’t want to be coupled to such a beast. I’m the one who uses backcountry words, full of emotion, about love and death and how it makes me repent, and how I cannot say goodbye, and it tears my heart out.

I knew early on that I could never be a part of DD’s world. The sad thing is I know all the trapping he hangs up in my imagination.

I’m very aware of DD — without ever being afraid — and sometimes would follow him into strange, complicated adventures. It happens when I feel depressed, when I feel dull and insignificant.

These are times when DD gets mad, offering nothing but disdain. I swear, when DD leaves me alone, it feels like I knew what it was to have been swallowed up by his brutishness.

I’ve often wondered if I should have listened more to his sadness when he was young. Suppose I had done. Would I have heard it any better then? He attacks my softness, spending hours or days shaming me for believing in love, and then gets mad at me if I cry.

I cannot improve him, cannot understand him, but I have never found a way to kill him off. He lives in this dark heaven, dizzy with fear, sinking into a horrible blackness.

I made a vow that I would never leave him. I’m all of him. What would he do? He doesn’t know another soul.

There are times, a few at least when I forget the wretchedness into which I’ve fallen.

More From Harry:

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Surviving Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

My true account of surviving this disorder from youth to adulthood.

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