Satire

Surf’s Up Neanderthal Dude

He doesn’t sweat the small stuff

The remaining Neanderthal asked to be left alone, in his gorgeous cave, built into the Malibu hills. While taking a toke of his doobie, the Neanderthal inhaled his ocean view and said, “Life is good. Want a drag?” Of course. Neanderthal dope, yes, please.

“Like my ancestors used to say,” he inhaled deeply, then grunted the sound “HUH!” This means, don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ve studied a little Early Eurasian slang.

The Neanderthal thought it was totally lame, like gag him with a mammoth tusk, that he was being used by the Republicans to wag the dog.

“I dare any one of those soulless modern humans to come up here and tell me how I feel, to my face. I’ll thump’em with my board.”

“Or like my ancestors said,” he continued. ‘UH UH MAH HUH!’

Dear reader, I’m not even going to translate those words onto Medium. I’ll probably get censored. Let’s just say, he’s got a dirty mouth.

The Neanderthal would prefer to be left alone with his surfboard, his edible garden, his sourdough yeast starter which is the oldest recorded, and his Laurel Canyon girlfriend, who keeps his back erect. “Among other things,” he snorted then howled at the moon.

This is the last interview the Neanderthal is giving, he told me. Not because he hates the press, but because no one bothered to ask him his surname.

He offered me one more question for the history books.

“Neanderthals have names?” I asked.

So, he thumped me. I’ve been thumped by a Neanderthal.

The one remaining Neanderthal has been asked to be left alone, in his gorgeous cave, built inside the Malibu Hills. Anyone looking for me will also find me there. Or on a board. Where you will not find me, is writing about politics or ranting about Republicans. Life is good. Want a drag?