The best ways to support a loved one who is struggling with mental illness
When our loved ones are struggling with pain we can’t see, it’s crucial that we dig deep and show our support.
by: E.B. Johnson
When our loved ones are battling mental illness, what does our role become? To some, we should seek to take our pain from our partner. To others, it’s all about pushing them toward treatment and resolution. Where is the line, though? When someone we love is truly struggle with mental health issues that leave them feeling hopeless, worthless, or otherwise detached from reality — can we truly help them see the light of life again?
The short answer: yes and no. It’s important to support the people that we love, but that support can often look far different from how we imagine it from the outside. Mental health disorders and issues don’t go away once you’re in a relationship. They simply change shape and (sometimes) mask themselves for a little while. When they do rear their ugly head, however, it’s up to us as partners to dig deep and show support and limitless love and compassion.
Relationships aren’t free of mental health struggles.
Mental health issues, much like luggage, are parcels we’re handed once and then hold on to for life. You don’t move to a new house and buy new luggage. Though we like to think that our mental health issues will disappear once we find “love” in another person, nothing could be further from the truth. The mental health struggles that we face follow us right into our partnerships. A few butterflies and fun new experiences aren’t enough to overcome the shadows of our emotional pain.
It’s important to know when your partner is struggling — whether they tell you or not. Not everyone realizes they’re having a such a hard time, and not everyone feels safe or capable of opening up about what they’re feeling. That’s where being a supportive partner comes into play. You have to display your love for them through small gestures and by encouraging them to get better.
Before you can do any of that, however, you have to cultivate the understanding of self and mental health issues to be the right kind of supportive. Educate yourself, but ensure that your own physical, mental and emotional needs are met before attempting to lend your energy to someone else. Even if you’re coming in with the best of intentions, you can’t really be there for someone if you don’t know how to be here for yourself.
Signs the person you love is battling with their mental health.
Mental health disorders are as complex and varied as each and every one of us is as individuals. No two people experience mental struggles exactly the same, but there are a handful of classic symptoms that can be looked out for in your partner across the board. From strange behavior to a plummeting personality, these are some signs that your partner might be struggling.
Withdrawing into themselves
Is your partner withdrawing into themselves? Have they abandoned their social circles, or stopped reaching out to friends and loved ones? This is a classic of sign of mental and emotional struggles, and one of the easiest to spot. When we’re in pain, we pull away from others (even those we love). On top of socializing, this can include a loss of physical and emotional intimacy
Vicious mood swings
Mood swings are another classic symptom of emotional and mental hardship. Perhaps you find that your partner gets angry easily. Or maybe the smallest of upsets causes them to totally fall apart. These vicious mood swings are brought on by fatigue, as well as the various mental and emotional issues your loved one is battling every single second of their day.
Change in personality
You may notice that your partner’s personality changes dramatically when they’re dealing with mental health issues. A sweet, caring person might become hard, bitter, and angry. Likewise, someone who was tense or tightly wound before might find themselves becoming completely unraveled, or falling into uncharacteristic behavior (think risk-taking endeavors and addictive activities).
Physical complaints
Does your partner regularly complain about a number of physical ailments that seem to have no root cause? Perhaps they’re tired all the time, unable to sleep. Or they have unexplainable aches and pains, heart palpitations, muscle tension, and even blinding headaches. All of these can be physical representations of stress and anxiety in the body; likely caused by underlying mental and emotional duress.
Irrational behavior
Has your partner or loved one become irrational? Does their thinking make no sense, or has it dramatically changed from the way it was before? Irrational behavior and outbursts can be a serious sign that something is going on internally. If that behavior moves toward extremes, it’s important to encourage your loved one to seek professional advice.
Shifting dialogue
Recent studies have shown that those who are dealing with states of depression actually speak and use language differently. They tend to focus more on personal pronouns like “I” and “me,” but they also use far more absolutist words like “always,” “nothing,” and “completely.” Notice a change in the way they talk about their lives, their jobs, their futures, and even their friendships. This shifted dialogue reveals a lot.
Spacing out and losing track
Spacing out and losing track of needs, responsibilities and even time is normal when you’re lost in a frenzy of emotional or mental hardship. Really pay attention to your partner, especially if they seem to be dropping the ball more than usual, or letting their responsibilities fall through the cracks. They might be having such a hard time coping that they can’t juggle it all.
Refusing to care for self
Consider your partner’s self-care routine? Are they still looking after themselves and ensuring they meet their core needs? While these needs are different for everyone, it’s not normal to quit looking after your personal hygiene. Likewise, they should be eating well and looking after their physical and emotional bodies.
The best ways to support a loved one who is struggling mentally or emotionally.
If you know that your loved one is struggling, don’t sit idly by. Prepare to support them by seeing to your own needs, then educate yourself on mental health and all the various ways it impacts daily life. This knowledge to hand, you can use small gestures to demonstrate that you love and want the best for them every single day.
1. Take care of yourself first
Seeing the pain of loved ones inspires a kind of panicked response in us. Once we have identified the perceived “danger” we often spring into action with fully considering what we’re doing, and if we’re prepared to do it. It’s a bit like jumping into the ocean to save someone with no lifesaver, and no ability to swim. You’re setting yourself up for failure, and you’re taking the risk of pulling both parties down to the bottom with your loving intentions.
Take care of yourself so you’re mentally sound enough to provide your partner with the emotional (and perhaps even physical) support that they might need. You can’t take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself first. Only when your needs are met will you have the energy and clear-headed state required to help them as they need to be helped.
Check your emotional state. Are you in a place where you can take someone else’s pain, process it without judgement or personalization, and then give it back to them with an improved perspective? If they ask you to run an errand for them, or they collapse into emotional despair — are you ready to stop what you’re doing and scoop them up off the ground? Don’t reach out your hand to pull them up until you yourself are secure and firmly planted in your own reality.
2. Educate yourself
Once you’ve put yourself in the right head and heart space, you can take the next step which entails educating yourself about your partner’s current state of being. If they are living with a diagnosis, take time to independently research what that diagnosis means not only for them, but for you as well. Reach out to self-help groups, and family support groups that can offer you an inside perspective on how things might work going forward. Reach out to a mental health expert and ask them stigma-free questions.
The more you know, the better equipped you will be to help your partner deal with their varying mental health symptoms. Remember, not every mental health disorder or issue is the same. In some, we show few signs of change — be it in behavior or mood. In others, however, the sufferer can swiftly move from mood-to-mood, idea-to-idea.
Your partner too can be an invaluable source of information. After all, they are the person with the greatest inside knowledge. If they feel comfortable opening up to you, ask them questions and get a better feel for how they want to be supported. Perhaps they want space when things get cloudy, or maybe they need you to bring them back with a show of affection and some fun distractions. Don’t assume you know it all. Educate yourself on mental illness from as many varied sources as possible.
3. Use small gestures
Never underestimate the power of small gestures when it comes to supporting the people we love through their moments of darkness. While sweeping in with grand gestures might seem like the best solution, they can actually go a long way to create more pressure or stress for the people being gestured-upon. Instead of looking to swoop in and save the day in a single moment, we should use small gestures to indicate our ongoing love and support every day.
There’s no right or wrong way to use small gestures. It all depends on you and the person you love. A great place to start is by creating a safe space for them to open up and be candid about how they’re feeling. Likewise, you can have small, upbeat conversations with them to distract them when they’re hurting; or try leaving some flowers at the foot of their bed.
It doesn’t always have to be about conversation.Sometimes it’s nice to just sit in silence with someone. When it is, though, it doesn’t always have to be about their pain or what they’re dealing with. Sometimes, it’s nice to simply be reminded that someone is watching out for you. It feels even better to have someone distract you from yourself with complete and utter rubbish. Read the room. Know your partner. And provide to them what they can’t provide for themselves in those low moments.
4. Be a source of motivation
Rather than always being a source of comfort, try opting to be a source of motivation from time to time. Motivation can look like many things to many people. To your partner, it might be a classic pat on the back accompanied by a, “you can do this!” For some, though, this motivation might look more like encouraging them to take action in the name of their own health and wellbeing. Be honest, but be creative too.
How can you inspire your loved one outside of the “I believe in you’s” and the “You can do it’s”? What steps can you take to make them see that they are not only capable, but required to act in the name of the own happiness? Brainstorm ideas on how you can help. Can you schedule an appointment with a mental health professional for them? Help them research medication?
Lead your life as an example to them. See to your needs and strive to be happier in your own skin every day. Rather than begging them to change, or attempting to wrestle with the grizzled, broken logic — show them what change they could bring about in their own lives by embracing that change in yours. Don’t let them backtrack. Don’t let them run away from themselves or turn back into the darkness. Do what you need to do to remind them of their own power and then encourage them to take action.
5. Don’t leave room for allowance
Mental disorders like depression, bi-polar, and anxiety are incredibly challenging and complex, not to mention uncomfortable. These disorders push their victims into some dark places, and those dark places can pull them down into all kinds of negative coping patterns and mechanisms (like addictive behaviors, lashing out, or even abusive tendencies). That is not to say, however, that being a supportive partner means accepting these things, or making room for them in our partnerships.
Our mental health issues are not an excuse to hurt others. When we are victims of these vicious disorders, we are responsible for ensuring that we manage and care for them appropriately. This is for ourselves, but it also for the people that we love. We have no right to lash out at them, or to vomit our pain all over their lives — just because we ourselves are suffering.
Do not allow your support of your loved one to become allowance. Love them, but tell them when they are wrong and encourage them to take the action they need to take for stability. Set close personal boundaries and stick to them. Walking away from someone who harms or abuses you is necessary in order to protect your wellbeing. It is also crucial to make it clear to the other person that their pain is their own, and that it must be dealt with by them. While we can support someone we love, we cannot heal them.
Putting it all together…
When our partners, spouses and loved ones are struggling with mental and emotional darkness, it’s crucial that we dig deep and find it within ourselves to be supportive help-meets. This is not to say we become doormats or enablers, but it is to say that we have to find new ways to blend our love and our compassion. Is your loved one facing a darkness they can’t battle alone? Figure out how to be a more supportive person through action and understanding.
Take care of yourself before you leap into the deep end of rescuing another person. If you don’t have the emotional and mental stability to think clearly, you won’t be able to offer them the support that they need. Center yourself and get grounded, then start learning everything you can about their mental health diagnosis, or the nature of mental health struggles in general. This knowledge to hand, you’ll be better equipped to understand where they’re coming from. And also better equipped to offer them advice and compassion. Use small gestures to demonstrate their safety in your environment and show them that you love them without requiring them to unload or expose their grief all the time. Be a source of motivation and encourage them to take action in the name of their own wellbeing and stability. Supporting a sick partner is not making excuses, and it is not making allowances. When they cross the line, stand up for your boundaries and know when it’s time to walk away.
