SATIRE

Superheroes in Poverty

Not All Jobs Pay the Bills

With his full-body red jump suit, Peter walked in the room. As he removed the mask from his face, it revealed sunken eyes, five o’clock shadow and a look of utter exhaustion. Greasy hair clung to his forehead as he cracked his back before sitting down.

“F***ing hate these things,” he exclaimed.

“The mask?”

“Everybody just expects their superheroes to wear a mask! But does anyone ever ask if they’re comfortable? No!” he explained before muttering a couple more curse words quietly to himself.

“Do you think they could make more breathable masks?”

“So it’s my fault for being a superhero? Superheroes all need to wear masks, huh? I see how it is. Bullshit. How about, I’m the superhero who doesn’t wear a mask and that’s my thing? ‘oh look, here comes No-Mask-Man! Here to save the day for this old hag who keeps getting her purse stolen. How many damn times can you get the same purse st — ’” continued the disgruntled Spiderman.

“But surely the salary makes up for some of these incon — ”

“Psssh! Salary? You think they pay us? I’ve been living in the same apartment for eight years! There’s a leak over my bed and I had Eggo waffles for breakfast this morning. This superhero shit doesn’t even put food on the table. The Incredible f***ing Hulk is on disability right now and Hawkeye is living in a box. Antman leased one of those micro-apartments just so he can afford rent.”

“I’m sure people must at least tip?”

“I wish! I saved this old man who got thrown off a building by a freaking mechanical octopus and when I brought up payment you know what he told me? ‘Spiders don’t need to eat.’ As if I’m actually a spider! And besides, who gave the dumb bastard the idea spiders don’t need to eat? Of course they do! They eat like, I don’t know… ants and shit.”

“Have you considered a Gofundme page?”

“Yes… it got deleted because I was ‘in violation of terms of service.’ F***ing bastards didn’t think the account was real! I’ll have you know I saved the CEO of Gofundme from being crushed by a train. On more than one occasion! ‘Parody account’ my ass!”

“Well, hopefully this interview will help to cast you in a more sympathetic light. Maybe people will realize your predicament and come to your aid?”

“More sympathetic light? I helped save the entire universe from some purple dude with Infinity Stones! I literally prevented the collapse of half of all life — the least people could do is toss a dude some banana bread. The F***.”

“Well thanks so much for taking the time to speak with me, Mr Parker. Hopefully in the fut — ”

“Damnit to h — . Spidey senses. I need to go save a kid from a motherf****ing rhino. Again,” he continued cursing quietly to himself as he launched himself through the ceiling hatch of the studio and into the night.

“Straight up bullshit” he could be heard muttering from the rooftop.

This was written in response to 10 Money-Related Writing Prompts by JF Danskin.