Super Human Bullshit Detector, But I Still Can’t Fly

The Superpowers I Have vs. The Superpowers I Want

Wouldn’t having a superpower or two be cool? Luckily, I have a couple. Or maybe it’s just one with slightly different applications.

I started thinking about the idea of superpowers after reading a story by Jana Van der Veer in which she prompts readers to consider what superpowers they would want to have and why. Here’s the story, check it out:

As I pondered, I realized I couldn’t answer the question without first looking at my existing super-human capabilities. They come in mighty handy. They’re also a huge pain in the ass at times.

First, I am incredibly good at reading people. Seriously, like, scary good. I can smell an insincere, unscrupulous, con artist, etc. from about 50 miles away. I’m not sure how, but I just know, even when others have no idea, I know.

Maybe it’s intuition. Maybe it’s having had the benefit of a legal education and career in which I had access to some of the most duplicitous minds imaginable. Maybe it’s having had the experience of being repeatedly screwed over by those close to me. Maybe it’s a combination of all three. But whatever it is, I can see the bad guys coming before most other people.

I can even sniff these characters out online. Yeah, I know, it sounds insane, but I swear, it’s true. For example, when someone approaches my husband about his art via social media, I can tell whether the person is sincerely interested in his work or just happens to be really hot for a handsome middle-aged man with an adorable dad bod.

I can’t explain how or why. I can’t explain what it is that tips me off. All I know is there’s something in what they say, the way they say it, the nature of the contact. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve warned him to be careful of So-and-So over the past 8 years, only to be right every single time.

The downside is that I come off as a sort of Negative Nellie, suspicious, distrustful and judgmental. I’m often the only one in the crowd saying no while everyone else screams yes. Suffice to say, I’m not often the most popular person around. I mean you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, right? Well, okay, but what if the book is somehow showing you, through words, actions, whatever that it’s a really, really bad book?

But, to keep the peace, I try to keep my suspicious mouth shut now unless I’m speaking to my husband or I’m specifically asked. Nefarious types always show their true colours eventually.

Second, but along the same lines, I am a human bullshit detector. If someone’s lying to me, I know. Even when others don’t, I do.

The downside to this is probably my biggest weakness as a person overall. I absolutely hate being lied to. I hate the idea that someone else has the audacity to think they can outsmart me somehow by feeding me a line of crap. It infuriates me. I know I should be able to walk away and be happy in the knowledge that I know they’re full of shit. But, nope. I find myself compelled to call them out, to let them know they’re not pulling the wool over my eyes. It might not be right away, sometimes I wait and let the web of lies build for a while before I lower the boom. And I lower it with glee. It doesn’t make me a very nice person. I’m trying to be better. But it would be a whole lot easier if people would stop being so full of shit.

Those are the superpowers I have. Now on to the ones I’d want if given the opportunity. First, I think I’d like to be able to fly. Not for any special reason other than it would be really cool and a pretty convenient way to get around.

I can just imagine myself soaring above everyone and everything, checking things out. And with the price of gas, it’d be a pretty economical power to have. Think about it. Instead of jumping in the car to go grab that carton of milk, I could just lift off into the air and point myself in the direction of the store.

Other than that, I think being able to time travel would be fun. It would be awesome to go back and explore ancient times or to jump ahead and explore the future. But, in some ways, I almost feel like have a bit of that ability already. or rather, experienced, sort of.

Being born in 1971, I’ve seen a lot of changes in the world. The universe I grew up in often feels like an ancient civilization that exists only in the books of history. In many ways that’s true. There’s no more Soviet Union. There’s no such thing as a rotary dial phone. Televisions don’t even have knobs anymore.

Looking at some of the technology we have now, from smartwatches to drones to the ability to video chat, it seems like in my 50 years on the planet, we’ve gone from payphones and cassette tapes to becoming The Jetsons. It might not be actual time travel, but damn, it feels like it sometimes.

I doubt I’ll be able to fly anytime soon. Nor will I suddenly be able to travel through time. So, I suppose I’ll just have to be content with the superpowers I do have. But I would be curious what super-human abilities you have and which one or ones you’d want if given the chance. So throw on that comic book hero cape and either tell me in the comments or write your own story about it. As always, Jimmy Misner Jr., Carl Parker, KL Simmons, I’m looking at you, but everyone is more than welcome to participate in this little bit of holiday fun.