Summoning Superman

How to return to the childlike confidence we need now more than ever.

I think I was around 5 when the inevitable happened. I perched up on my grandmother’s grand bed and put my arms out to the side and tried to fly. I really wanted to see how far I could go.

About 3 feet down is a good estimate.

My cousin Danny didn’t fare as well as I did. He stacked phone books on top of a small dresser to give him added height. While he may have had a Wright Brother’s dream, he didn’t quite have their expertise and he ended up with a sprained ankle and a broken wrist on his first try!

We didn’t fly much after that.

We tried once and realized, it just isn’t in the cards and so we gave up and went back to more humanly forms of navigation.

But that reckless abandonment with which we all tried to fly, at least once, was just so motivating. Almost everyone I talk to admits trying to fly off of something at least one time to see how far they really could go.

We came to our senses but maybe not the way we should have.

It might have been our first deliberate attempt at something novel and risky.

Some terminated that dream and left it in the dust but many went on to try other novel and perhaps risky activities.

This is a shout out to all of those people who didn’t give up on other dreams just because they failed to fly.

There definitely are two groups of people when it comes to something novel; those who are not afraid to try at least once and those who even after observing the attempts of many others, fail to get up enough courage to follow through and see for themselves

This can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

The pros and cons of risk-taking

Certainly, behaviors that can be harmful like promiscuous sex and drug use can be novel experiences you learn and move on from but what about other times you take risks with different consequences?

Do you tend to learn positive things from those risks or give up and be less adventurous next time?

There are both positive and negative results from taking risks but certainly removing ourselves from any situation that has the potential of not working out is not always the wisest thing to do.

Success magazine identifies some truths about taking risks and the one that spoke to me was the statement, “Taking risks will cost you more than you anticipated up front!”

When we are younger, perhaps we take those risks more quickly and don’t realize the anxiety and physical and emotional costs of debating about “whether or not to …”

There was no self debating, we often just jumped in and dealt with the consequences later.

Maybe we did not even see our actions as a risk at the time!

Was arguing with a teacher about a grade you did not feel you deserved risky? Maybe! But did it help you learn how to defend yourself when up against an authority figure?

Did sneaking out to meet your first love feel a bit awkward and scary but did you discover how you would move obstacles for something you really wanted?

Did saying “No” when under pressure make you realize how strong you were?

Did blowing money on something foolish make you more discerning about what you're worth?

When you chose to leave a toxic relationship did you realize you have to trust yourself first?

When we think we can fly we learn a lot about ourselves from how we perceive the outcome and if we never try to ‘fly’; try something novel, risky, or both we never really get to learn some important things about who we are.

If we give up after we take a risk or do something novel that doesn’t work out, we learn we don’t have what it takes and we learn to question our skills and our plans.

If we continue to pursue other novel experiences we learn we are resilient, unstoppable, and still capable.

Being young and wanting to try to fly, even if impossible, was just part of stretching our boundaries.

But, the wisdom or not so much wisdom of our years of experience change as we get older.

Losing the Superman persona

Now we truly do recognize the costs of taking risks upfront and all our stalling, self-analyzing, list-making, over-thinking, and sweating out our choices sometimes causes more angst and distress prior to deciding whether to take the risk or not, than the actual risk does.

We weigh so many of our actions as we get older, spontaneity is elusive and anxiety increases for decisions we would have made in a heartbeat a few decades ago.

Why? Why do we forget how we wanted to fly like Superman and simply settle for the way things are instead of the way they can be?

An article in Odyssey, reveals something we may already realize. We settle because we are afraid of change, we get comfortable, we get stuck and we end up in a cycle we can’t get out of.

I also think we believe our “Superman” days were only supposed to be for our youth.

Instead of realizing how much better we might be at discerning good risks from questionable ones, we hesitate to try something new because we think our abilities to pull off something a bit out of the box for our stage in life may be foolish or frowned upon.

We don’t think about our “superpowers” we worry about our shortcomings.

We don’t feel bulletproof and capable. We feel anxious and embarrassed.

Where once we may have tried all types of things that seemed silly and not thought twice about it, now we over analyze the simplest of decisions.

“Does this look appropriate?”

“Maybe it’s not the right time.”

“What will my parents, kids, friends think?”

What people think matters more than discovering whether we can “fly”.

I learned by accident one of my friends was taking tango lessons online a few months ago. She was too embarrassed to share that info and when her husband let slip that they had an “online tango class” during a time we wanted to connect, she immediately felt a need to offer a rationale.

I thought it was amazing and sounded like such fun and she retorted, “ I haven’t even told our kids because they will worry we will trip on our carpet and end up in a cast at our age! It’s so embarrassing!”

But it wasn’t. It was great. It was something new and different she was wanting to try for so long but she felt a need to hide it and hope no one ever discovered her new adventure!

Instead of growing less concerned about what people think, we have become more sensitive to how everyone will react.

We have lost the innocence of just trying to “fly” and now have to make sure we perfect everything about the landing before we even consider it.

Now, more than ever, I think we need to go back and embrace that same philosophy of trying something new, something risky, something out of the ordinary.

Now, more than ever I think we all need to determine if we have the resilience, the commitment, and the capability of believing in ourselves once more.

James Clear, in his book, Atomic Habits, says, “ …we’d rather be wrong with the crowd than right by ourselves.”

It’s so true. We have become a society that often conforms more to others' opinions and suggestions rather than stretching out to discover our true colors.

As we get older, we don’t try things just to see how they will turn out. We become cautious, conforming, and correct. We fear doing things that are remotely uncomfortable, less acceptable, or somewhat disapproved.

Fear often makes us do the opposite of what is really the best for us! We may have had some fear when we wanted to try to fly when we were younger, but what we wanted to discover was bigger than fear and so we didn’t let that fear become our guide.

That’s not how it works as you get older. Dreams are considered frivolous or foolish and being a non-conformist gets an eyebrow raise even from our biggest fans.

Why?

Because we do feel more comfortable when we are approved by the group even if we already approved our ideas or behaviors in our minds.

We may not want what everyone else wants for us, but we want everyone else to approve of what we want for us!

Before easy access to everyone’s daily business(life before the internet), we did not have to worry that our failures or disappointments would become public knowledge before we even had the time to address them.

Living in an age of Social Media requires we conform, seek acceptance and belong to a Tribe of sorts. While none of these is bad, it all can be confining and restrictive.

When we are confined and restricted we often don’t demonstrate our best selves. We may go along with the majority but we may never really cultivate the essence of what makes us unique.

We fit in however we don’t stand out.

When we all wanted to try to fly, we had less fear and more determination.

We tried because we could, because it seemed like a good idea and because we wanted to discover what it might be like.

That spirit we had as little kids thrives on believing the impractical or at least trying the impossible.

Somewhere along the way, we let go of that spirit and developed a more wary coat of arms.

We become less excited about possibilities and more worried about outcomes.

Wild abandonment becomes reserved actions.

We watch what we say, what we do, and often even how we think.

When I am coaching clients, I almost always can tell those who probably tried to fly more than once. These are the people who will not take no for an answer.

These are the ones who move out of circles that become too confining and move away from belief systems that don’t allow for alternatives.

Those clients are on one side and on the other I see clients with so much potential but just as much fear and I know either they gave up after trying that first leap or someone stepped in before their feet even left the ground and cautioned them to stop.

Fear is a significant reason people do not go after what they want in life.

Fear about being turned down or being rejected.

Fear about losing money or respect.

Fear about feeling like a fool or being ridiculed.

Fear about what someone who may not even matter will think.

A baby wants to be mobile and once they learn they can be, they are not deterred by any number of face splats or falls. They may hurt momentarily but they keep trying until they perfect their skill and get it where they want it to be.

Imagine if adults went about their relationships, careers, finances, or any other goals with such fervor! Nothing would stop us and we would find happiness so much quicker in life!

We would believe anything was possible and go after it with gusto!

Instead, we let our fears embrace us like a straight jacket until we have no recourse but to simply give in and live our lives in chronic discomfort because we think we have no choice.

Now more than ever we need to believe in the impossible and the implausible again.

Why we need to try to fly again

We have had our year to be locked in, locked out, and locked up.

We have had our very foundations shaken.

Traditions like how and where we worship, how we celebrate weddings, and even how we honor the dead have been rearranged without our input.

We have isolated ourselves from colleagues, friends, family, and places familiar and comforting.

Our workplace is different. Schools are different and our homes have gone from places of refuge to replacing the workplace and schools.

Our world is turned upside down but we have complied regardless.

We shelter from the things we love to keep ourselves and others safe.

Disneyworld might be open but it’s hardly like what we remember.

It’s not just our faces that have masks, our lives look nothing like they did just a year ago.

The impossible happened.

Life as we knew it stopped and did a 180 on us.

So, why not now for starting to believe the impossible can happen again?

Maybe this is the very best time to believe you can fly.

I don’t mean the physical leap off the bed act you did as a 5-year-old, but I do think it’s time to grab that irresistible desire to try something new and find our new spirit of adventure.

I think this is a time for rewriting our bucket lists and rediscovering how we want to leave a legacy.

Maybe this year has opened a few doors you never dreamed would bring relief, excitement, and even happiness.

Finding our Superman once more

I think we need to throw caution to the wind about some things and start doing or keep doing what makes us happy.

We can start with the small things like; embracing cereal for dinner and 5 o’clock jammies.

Or like being okay with not washing your hair for three days and being on a first-name basis with the Amazon delivery man!

We need to discover what the crazy busy schedules we once embraced never let us discover and feel it’s perfectly fine to have a Ph.D. and still enjoy binge-watching Schitt’s Creek.

Maybe you have exchanged your daily protein bowl and meditation for a quick read of a Jenny Lawson blog post with a jelly donut and you are amazed at how much you enjoy both!

You know what? That’s okay and it’s even MORE OKAY if you are perfectly happy doing it.

When was the last time you were perfectly happy and content with just doing what you needed to do to get by and not worrying about the next success?

When did you have decisions made for you and days planned out regardless of what you already had in mind? That’s right…when you were a little kid!

Expectations and demands were fewer and life felt freer and we had time to do some things, like trying to fly.

We weren’t worried about much more than if we would get caught doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing.

Then we grew up and became adults who are constantly worried about not pleasing someone, not living up to the expectations, and not having it all together.

When we stop being afraid of what others think, we can start to really work on what makes us happy.

In a way, that’s what this Pandemic has started. It has given us little opportunities where we can learn to be happy trying things without being in the public eye, constantly scrutinized by colleagues or neighbors.

Did you try to fly during the Pandemic?

Maybe you started to write that novel or took that online Judo class.

Did you realize it was finally time to start a shop on Etsy or rent out that little space down the street and hang out your shingle?

Were you finally able to admit you never liked the job you had anyway and it was time to discover another way to bring in some income?

Maybe what made you happy was to stop saying you were sorry for what you really weren’t sorry for and stop saying “yes” to everything you never wanted to commit to in the first place.

There are so many ways we can fly now if we still have that motivation and that spirit.

This is a perfect time to let go of anything that has been holding us back and start a new chapter in a story we want to tell.

Instead of waiting until the stars align, start where you are and move one step closer each day to where you absolutely know you want to be, even if that means moving away from what you know and towards something unfamiliar.

When you wanted to fly, you believed you could so you tried.

What about now?

Do you still believe in yourself or has that all been taken away until you just second guess everything you do because nothing seems possible anymore?

What we should know about survival is that it often takes a bit of trying without knowing the outcome. If we only do what we plan, we really don’t truly survive, we just exist.

So, if you want to survive trying to fly, you first have to try to fly, just like learning to swim, requires getting in the water.

This has been a difficult year for EVERYONE, not just Americans but for everyone around the world who had plans and dreams changed because of COVID.

Many people have realized that despite all of their careful planning, this year did not turn out as expected.

Even if you were one of those observers who decided that flying was not in the cards for you, perhaps you now realize that trying a few new things might really amp up your life so to speak.

I think it’s time we all spread our wings and started to do some things we have always wanted to, needed to, and hoped to do.

Take that trip. Buy that puppy. Write that book. Leave that job. Run that marathon(when marathons run again), Leave that relationship. Start that business.

Say what needs to be said. Do what needs to be done.

Don’t hold out, hold back, or even pretend to hold it together.

Be real instead of realistic. Use imagination instead of imitation.

Be like that 5-year-old. Do what makes you happy and even if it doesn’t work, learn from it, move on and try again.

You lost a year to something beyond your control why not make this one the one you get to do for yourself?

What experiences do you want to try this year, just because?

Either you learn it will work or it won’t but you will never learn if you don’t try.

Make this the year you try to ‘fly’ again, even if everyone else still has their feet on the ground.

Don’t wait for everyone else. Go first. Allow yourself to enjoy what makes you happy and a lot more often and more intensely than you have ever permitted yourself.

Stop waiting for permission, approval, or acceptance.

Some people don’t want to ever try and fly and they don’t want you to either.

Those are people you need to wave good-bye to as you plot your next risky or novel move.

You have had a year to get to know yourself better.

You know what works for you and if it is not the 9 to 5 or the old friend who never can make a decision or the late-night answering office emails or the looking professional but wanting to be in sweats all day, that’s okay.

If you have discovered you're less of the perfect mom when your kids are home all day or that you don’t really want to volunteer for anything anymore that’s okay too.

Maybe you learned that you can live on a lot less as long as there are Netflix and Amazon or that isolating in that mountain cabin away from the nosy neighbors makes you feel empowered instead of like a hermit.

Perhaps your preference is that your new normal now include daily long walks and only having to deal with your mother-in-law over Zoom, or that you need more sitting by the fire at 11 a.m and fewer power lunches.

Your happiness might have been discovered in finger painting with your 6-year-old or learning to rap with your teenage son.

My good friend said something powerful to me a few weeks ago as she began returning to her office and longer workdays.

“I’m back to making dough instead of baking dough” she mused, “ and I don’t know if that is going to work long term for me anymore.

The next new normal we face may be a return to a routine we discovered doesn’t really work for us anymore.

Embrace what you have learned made you happy and take that into the next phase with a vengeance because before too long you will be being asked to say and do and think all those things you say, do, and think because they seem correct, conforming and acceptable.

You will be expected to dress professionally, meet deadlines and smile when you want to scream and it will be hard to go back if you realize you are much more comfortable being the real version of yourself rather than the expected version of yourself.

Could this past year have been the year you realized, “Finally the world works a bit like I always imagined it in my mind; skewed, slow, muddled, and less demanding?”

And maybe you liked it.

It’s been nearly a year since we learned how to live as we needed in a world where we often couldn’t live as we wanted.

I can just imagine those that hate change found this year horrific and unpleasant and those that tried to ‘fly’ found it perhaps a bit refreshing and a learning experience.

It’s always how you perceive the outcomes.

Maybe we all need the mantra, “Tried to fly but didn’t die!”

What do you need to do to put on that cape and try to fly again?

You have lived through a year of impossible, nothing should feel less than possible anymore!