Suicidal Survivors of Domestic Violence and Abuse: Please Don’t Give Up
Domestic violence and abuse and its horrendous impact on the victim-survivor’s mental health
Trigger Warning: This piece talks about suicide. Please take care of yourself. If it has the potential to trigger you, consider not reading it.
I work as a hospital domestic violence advisor. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to meet people who attempted or are considering suicide because of the abuse they experience/d in their relationship. Last week only, I supported two women in the emergency department in this situation. One attempted to end her life by hanging, the other was actively suicide; she admitted herself to the hospital, asking for help.
I’ve supported hundreds of victim-survivors — many with broken bones, bruises, cuts, bite marks, strangulation marks, and other injuries caused by objects or the abuser’s own hands. I got used to it.
To do our job properly (and avoid second-hand trauma), we need to build a thick skin. It took me time, a lot of crying, and many hours of clinical supervision to get there. But I did.
When supporting my clients, their physical pain is not the hardest part of the job — their emotional pain is.
There’s nothing I say or do that will relieve my client’s deep-rooted suffering. Only time and tons of in-work will help them (hopefully, with the support of therapy). All I can do is give them hope - to let them know their options and support them with their choices; letting them know (feel) they are not alone.
The key part of my job is to ensure my clients have a safe hospital discharge, which will look different for everybody. For that, we need to talk. A lot.
Each victim-survivor needs to tell me — if they choose to, of course — all the risks involved in their relationship and what they wish to happen on the immediate, so I can help them with exactly that. Their safety is always my priority: physical but also emotional.
Death by suicide in the domestic violence context is statistically higher than homicide — it’s estimated that one in eight of all female suicides and suicide attempts in the UK are due to domestic violence and abuse — nearly 30 women attempt suicide, daily!
If the hospital patient - the person who, just hours before tried to end their life or was seriously considering it - accepts my support, our initial conversation never lasts less than one hour. A very emotional hour.
I meet my clients when they’re at their most vulnerable; our interaction is guided and paced by them, it can’t be any other way. Each person has a unique story (despite many details being very similar; it seems as if the abusers all went to the same school). But my client’s story is their own, and I always thank them for sharing it with me. It must be so hard to be this exposed.
Suicidal victim-survivors of domestic violence and abuse
Most of my clients are in emotional distress. Even the ones with historical abuse — their trauma is real and very much alive, manifesting itself in many ways: depression, substance misuse, anxiety disorder, PTSD, emotionally unstable personality disorder or borderline personality disorder (research connects these disorders with people who experienced domestic violence and abuse), self-neglect, etc.
Many attempt suicide or are on the verge of attempting it. My experience is that people get to this extreme after years of abuse (not necessarily physical). They simply can’t take it anymore. And what truly breaks my heart is that they see no way out; they believe that ending their life is their only option. And this is one of the reasons that makes me hate abusers — they consciously push their "loved one" to suicide.
I had clients telling me their spouse told them, many times, "Just die!", "The world is a better place without you," or "Your children will be better off without you." They say it not once or twice or a few times. No: they say it constantly, like torture. It’s strategic (as every abusive act.)
In addition to this severe emotional abuse, the victim-survivor might be financially dependent on their abuser (they made sure of it). In time, they lost their friends and the connection with their family is minimal — again, their abuser made sure to isolate them, so they could have them just for themselves. Many of the victim-survivors, on top of all the abuse they’re already suffering (often, for many years), are also victims of physical and/or sexual violence.
How wouldn’t one become so desperate to the point of considering death to be their best option?
It truly breaks my heart when I meet victim-survivors that get to this point but, at the same time, it’s an honour to support them — many never spoke about the abuse to anyone; often I’m the first person they share their dark secrets. One of the (many) reasons for that? They had no idea there’s specialized support available, that there are laws and statutory guidances available to protect them - their abuser made sure they wouldn’t learn this. Or, if they try asking for help, their abuser would contaminate any bit of hope they had, very convincingly, with the meanest of arguments and examples, like "no one is ever going to believe you “, or "they’ll take your children from you", " you’re crazy /depressed, no judge will give the children to you". Often, their abuser threatens to kill them — and some do.
I have an extremely emotional, challenging job. Somedays, I just want to turn my back on all of the ugliness. Sometimes it’s too much horror.
I know too much about how nasty people are to each other. But there’s something (besides my passion for the job) that makes me come back, day after day: my happy endings.
Happy endings are possible
Many of the people I support resume their relationship — they have more to lose if they leave than if they stay. Or they’re not yet ready to end the relationship. These are people who have been suffering coercive control for so long that the idea of breaking free from it’s more scary than staying.
But some of the people I support are discharged from the hospital to a safe place - to a new life, a new beginning, free from harm.
This won’t be the end of their suffering; their trauma will follow them wherever they go. But now they are free to heal. They can be their own person again. Safe from harm.
And these are my happy stories. The people who tried to end their lives and, hours later, are breaking free from the invisible shackles. It’s them who give me the strength to keep showing up at work, day after day.
The others that go back home, that return to the abuse? Well, those weren’t ready yet, and I made sure to let them know I understood why. They all know that hospitals are a safe place; there will always be someone there to help them — with whatever they need and are ready to receive. Some of them might become happy endings one day.
Suicide is, many times, an act of despair, it comes as the only option available for that person.
I wish everybody who’s in an abusive relationship knew that it’s not. That there are options. They won’t be easy to face and there will be a lot of work and suffering ahead. If there are children involved it will be even harder.
But nothing will be worse than ending your life.
New beginnings, free from harm, are possible. Trust that and ask for help. Please.
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