Suicidal?

Summary

The website content discusses the personal experience of the author with suicidal thoughts, emphasizing the importance of seeking help and the belief that suicide should not be an option, supported by the assertion that life is a gift worth cherishing and that there is always hope for recovery through human connection and support systems.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of grappling with passive suicidal thoughts, distinguishing these from active suicidal ideations. Despite the pain and belief in eternal misery for those who commit suicide, the author found themselves in a state of helplessness, with life feeling meaningless and death as no escape. The narrative underscores the significance of understanding the reality of suicide, its legal and religious implications, and the message that one's worth is not diminished by feelings of inadequacy. The author encourages those struggling to reach out for help, emphasizing that issues can be overcome, and life can be beautiful through shared experiences and support. The text serves as a call to action for self-care, seeking assistance, and recognizing the interconnectedness of humanity in overcoming darkness. It concludes with a plea for self-love and the assurance that help is available for those who ask.

Opinions

Suicide should not be glamorized or considered a choice; it is a serious issue that requires awareness and prevention.
The author's suicidal thoughts were passive and fleeting, yet still a significant part of their experience with depression and psychosis.
There is a belief that suicide leads to eternal misery and is also viewed negatively in both religious and legal contexts, which should deter individuals from considering it.
The author feels that life is a gift and that everyone has inherent worth, despite moments of despair or feelings of unimportance.
Seeking help early is crucial, and sharing one's struggles can make life beautiful and manageable.
Self-love and the willingness to ask for help are essential in combating suicidal thoughts, and isolation should be avoided.
Humanity has a responsibility to care for one another, and miracles can happen when individuals reach out for support.

Speak up! Ask for help!

Any discussion of suicide requires extreme caution. The specter of suicide has touched the lives of many and haunts both the living and the dearly departed. Thus, I state at the outset, if you start to read my story, please read it all the way through so that you do not lose sight of nor take anything out of context. This story does not glorify suicide. It abhors it and my intent and purpose are suicide awareness and prevention.

My experience with suicidal thoughts isn’t the type where one feels a need for or urge to end one's life. My thoughts were gentle, passive, and while regular, were yet fleeting wishes for opportunistic death — even having flashes of gruesome scenarios without doing anything actively to see that happening or make it happen. These are not what people generally think of as suicidal thoughts. They were not what psychologists and psychiatrists call suicidal ideations. Yet, I suspect they are more prevalent than people admit.

That to me is one of the most difficult things anyone can go through. The being utterly consumed by fear of living another minute, craving an end to all (at this point the world is the bleakest place) yet to be totally powerless and helpless even in that. For not only do I believe absolutely in eternal misery for the one who commits suicide but no amount of depression could take that (belief) away from me ( I should be grateful I know) but it left me in circumstances in which I ought to live graciously through but was hell in more ways than one. For one, life was damn painful and meaningless, and even death was no escape. In other words, it was real and intense horror on replay circle with no end in sight.

I at times lost track of what reality is and what fantasy is. I found it very difficult to understand my predicament. Everything was painful and I would most times feel my heart constricting as though struggling to hold up and too heavy for my chest cavity. Then I would just silently wish I was dead and in a better place like heaven (that had to be an option and death was a precursor to heaven hence the obsession with dying). For I had nothing I felt I should live for. Don’t get me wrong, I had parents, siblings, and friends, who had all become villainous characters in the nightmarish movie that had become my life in the wake of depression and psychosis.

However, the choice as to whether to live or die has been taken away from me (the reality is it’s from us all), or it's not in our hands be it from a divine or secular perspective. Need I remind us all that suicide in religious lore is the fastest route to hell and attempted suicide is a criminal offense punishable by law in certain jurisdictions; all in a bid to deter and hammer home the point that suicide can’t be a choice and for good measure. For, just as we had no say in our births, neither should our little hands have a part in our own demise.

Also, while we might feel unloved, unimportant, ‘useless’ or unworthy, we in spite of that feeling of inadequacy are actually worthy of much. Including living to experience that which we are capable of realizing as expected or even beyond expectations. More so, when we are able to reach out to be helped, at the earliest sign of such thoughts. We would realize that it’s not only us that have issues if at all we do, and no issue is as yet insurmountable. That life is a gift we need to cherish, and like with every gift horse we don't look it in the mouth. That, it is in sharing the good, the bad, and the horrible that life becomes beautiful. No achiever or one single person made it as an island; we are all interconnected. Find the connection that grows you and lends a hand and is less in judgment and more open to receiving support.

Above all, no matter how deep you fall or how dark the tunnel, love yourself enough to care for you, ask for help, unburden and de-clutter your mind, reach for the light and always and always give yourself that chance to be and another chance incessantly! Yes it is difficult, yes your pains are valid, the whole world may not see what you are going through, understand or care (because the whole world is not you or does not know you), but know that humanity will always care and help if you will only take that step and ask instead of isolating when the darkness threatens to overwhelm, even when its apparent it has overwhelmed, humanity can still work miracles. After all, as humans, we should care and would always come through for our kind just as we do for all kinds whether tangible or otherwise.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, we encourage you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK (8255).

This lifeline is free and confidential. It is open 24 hours a day and provides support, information, and local resources to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress and those around them. Call for more information or visit www.suicidepreventionhotline.org.