Living Your Best Old Life

Sugar Grannies Are Flourishing

Times are hard, pun intended

I am sitting on my front porch, watching the butterflies, when there is a sudden commotion two doors down. A young man tears out of the house half-dressed, then jumps into a late model car parked in the driveway. He starts the car. The homeowner, a woman, runs out behind him. She stands in front of the vehicle.

“Pay me what you owe me, or bring your ass back in the house,” she said. “I’m the one paying the note on this car.” The man in the car leans his head down against the steering wheel and turns the car off.

I ran into my house to get my spouse. This is gold. I don’t want to call my honey. She would hear me. I can hear her, so I know she would hear me. I found him in the kitchen, gave him the finger to my lips shush signal, and pulled him to the patio.

By the time my spouse gets out there, our neighbor is walking the man back into her house with her hand around his waist. I hear her say, “You knew it would come to this sooner or later.”

Oh, my goodness. My neighbor is an older woman who lost her husband years ago. I don’t know her exact age, but I assumed she was at least seventy-five.

When we go back into our house, I ask my husband if he would like a cup of coffee or a shot of tequila and say, “That is a Sugar Grandma at work.”

Per the Urban Dictionary

“An old broad taking care of a younger man using her for her wealth. Younger guys that associate & enjoy a Sugar Granny’s presence aren’t necessarily complete scum as long as the relationship is mutually beneficial for both parties & both individuals are respected. Sugar Granny’s usually go for the tools that are sweet & have a darkside. *;)-8-<”

My husband says, “You don’t actually know that.”

I reply, “Oh yes, I do. You should have seen him running out of the house with no shirt, pulling up his pants, barefoot. Having a Sugar Granny is a great way to get money until it is time to give up the honey. It was time for that young man to put out.”

Now that I have been alerted, I have become the nosy neighbor who pays attention to comings and goings. Two different men were coming to her home. Both were way younger than her. They were not delivering groceries. Has my 70-plus neighbor turned into a hot mama? I started looking for a reason to talk to her. I found one.

I asked her if she had any more black mailbox paint. All of our mailboxes are the same. She recently repainted hers, so I guess mine needs repainting.

While there, I casually ask if her grandchildren are coming by to help her. She speaks. “No, there are some young people she is helping achieve their goals.”

I think, “If their goals are to be proficient in the bedroom, they are in the right place. She is teaching them how to use the meat missile.” I say, “Oh, how nice of you.”

She says, “There are benefits to helping others.”

I think, “If the benefits are getting that cookie, then yeah.” I say, “How cool is that?”

I don’t know why I thought she might share what was going on with me, but she did not. She left me hanging. I thanked her for the paint and went home. Old lady 1, Toni 0.

I told my spouse that if something happened to him, I would wait at least three months before hunting for young, broke men to help reach their dreams. I could help them, and they could help me with my lack of D.

There is even an app that connects people with Sugar Babies. There are websites and apps to set people up. For us ladies, there are also places to get you started.

I installed the app on my phone. You never know.

More Love from Toni Crowe