Suffering Is Optional - When Freezing, Freeze!
Understanding and Handling Pain
In order to find true freedom from pain, there is a fundamental assumption that must be questioned.
It is the idea that pain is terrible and must be avoided at all costs. Usually, as soon as we start to feel pain, we immediately try to make it go away. We’ll do anything to find a way to change, soothe, or suppress what we’re going through. But if we stop, even for a little while, it’s easy to see that lasting comfort doesn’t come that way.
Pain Is Only Pain: Don’t Turn It Into Suffering
Pain is natural and inevitable in life. There’s nothing wrong with it. It only becomes a problem when we turn it into suffering. Suffering is all that is added to pain, our ideas about it, and fears that it will go on forever. All kinds of catastrophic expectations arise, and we judge ourselves for being in pain. But when pain is just left as it is, when we do not interfere with it, it stays a short while and then departs. Pain feeds on our attention, on our fighting and refusing it, declaring that pain is an enemy. Pain is not an enemy, it is simply a momentary experience we are having now.
Pain and the effort to be separate from it are the same thing.
For many of us, life is a dangerous journey, where no one comes out alive. None of us gets out unscathed, either. As we move along, we accumulate many wounds and scars. For some, the entire purpose of the journey is to keep safe from harm and avoid as much pain as possible.
Living Defensively
When we live defensively, however, we shut out many possibilities. Always being on the alert for danger, we also miss out on many wonderful aspects of our time here on earth. We are no longer available for connection, creativity, adventure, and the precious experience of love. To experience that we have to become open, vulnerable, and willing to experience a certain amount of hurt and pain.
Nasrudin was riding along one day when his donkey took fright at something in its path and started to bolt. As Nasrudin sped past some countrymen at this unexpected rate, they called out to him. “Slow down, Nasrudin. Where are you going, riding so fast?”
“Don’t ask me,” shouted Nasrudin wildly, “ask my donkey.”
— Indries Shah
To prevent our donkeys from running our lives and being in control some prepare for danger ahead by, finding a safe place to live, stocking up on insurance, dieting, taking preventive medical treatments, and exercising. Or they may pray for the blessing of protection, and seek to live an upright life. None of this is ill-advised, of course: It is simply the fear and worry behind it that can become crippling in many ways.
Take a moment and notice the ways in which you prepare for danger or for anything else that might be unsettling in your life. What is it you are most worried about? What toll is his worry taking on you?
Our peace of mind can also be stolen in many ways we are not aware of. For example, many conversations we engage in daily steal our equilibrium and peace of mind.
When Martha walked by her co-workers they became very quiet, and some smiled. Her imagination began to run wild, she was sure they’d been talking about her negatively, and this caused her to feel anxious and alone. Then, in turn, Martha began speaking ill about those co-workers to others. Before long she found herself caught in a vicious cycle of suspicion and ill will. What a shock it was to her to discover that all this while they’d been planning a surprise birthday party for her. All of her suffering had been fueled by her runaway imagination.
It’s valuable to stop and take a look at what’s fueling your fear and suffering. Is it your imagination? Could you see the situation through different eyes?
Even your relationships with people you trust and hold dear can become unpredictable. A crisis may arise when a friend says something and you become the butt of a joke. Many then think of throwing the relationship away completely. This kind of personal, emotional pain can be harder to bear than physical suffering. Is there another way to handle this?
What are some of the ways that you handle emotional pain? Do they work, or is there a great price you may be paying for them?
Most of us do not know how to deal with painful emotions, some turn to drink, drugs, and diversions of all kinds to put an end to them. But these ways of resisting pain cause more fear and pain in the long run. The question really becomes how you can enter relationships and maintain your well being, no matter what happens, not enter a storm and be tossed around by fear or pain. Here’s an interesting answer to that question.
At the very beginning of my Zen practice, during a retreat in the middle of winter, I was sitting in the back part of a Zendo (a place where Zen meditation is practiced) that was adjacent to a beautiful Japanese garden. The entire Zendo was unheated and, no one was permitted to move during zazen meditation, except for brief meditative walks between each sitting. Naturally, I became incredibly cold after practicing for hours. No matter how many sweaters I piled on, I could not get warm. To top it off, a senior student walked over grandly at one point and slid the door to the back garden open, intensifying the atmosphere and allowing an icy wind to blow in. It was too much. Sitting there shivering, I became furious.
Finally, it was my turn to go for my interview with the Master. This was the first one I’d ever had. When the bell rang, announcing that he was ready, I ran up the stairs to the room he sat in.
The Zen master sat there unshakably as I sat down in front of him.
“How are you?” he asked.
“Freezing!” I shouted.
“Then Freeze!” He shouted back and immediately rang his bell, announcing that the interview was done.
When You’re Freezing, Freeze
When you’re freezing, freeze. Freeze thoroughly. Nothing more needs to be said. Instead of guarding against pain and running in the opposite direction, stop and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Feel it thoroughly. Not only feel it, welcome it. Whatever the discomfort is, it comes with a gift in its hands.
”The master gives herself up to whatever the moment brings.”
Lao-tzu
Author: Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. is an author, psychologist, speaker, and long-term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses on ways of making the teachings real in our everyday lives. This article is from her book, Fearless, (Seven Principles of Peace of Mind).
The Takeaway by Lewis Harrison “Ask Lewis”
I love reading, and sharing what great teachers create. Great wisdom bypasses my left-brain-intellect and connects that part of me that seeks meaning, love, kindness, empathy, and clarity.
I have many friends and associates, who are respected teachers. They usually share their creations with their fans and followers. I want those who know and appreciate my work to expand their horizons and explore and share the ideas of important teachers like Dr. Shoshana. Here, I have gotten permission from her to repost their important writings.
I have known Brenda for almost three decades. She is a powerful Zen teacher, with deep appreciation of, and understanding of Talmudic wisdom.
When it states written by Lewis Harrison at the bottom of this story it refers to my Medium Portal. This specific story is by Brenda Shoshana Ph.D.
Bio: Brenda Shoshanna is a psychologist, author, speaker, and long-term Zen practitioner. Her work is devoted to integrating the teachings and practices of East and West and making them real in our everyday lives. She offers a weekly podcast, Zen Wisdom For Your Everyday Life, www.zenwisdomtoday.com Her most recent book is The Unshakeable Road to Love, (Value-Centered Relationships).