Studies Highlight What Dating is Like for Older People

Dating & relationships: what happens to our love lives in older adulthood.

Here’s a fact that will shock you.

Since at least 2011, the majority of Americans 65 and older are unmarried.

I’ve always had this vision that people grow up, become adults, maybe date around for a while, settle down, get married, and live out the rest of their lives with that one person.

As a young man myself, who grew up in the era of Disney and happily-ever-after stories, I never questioned what comes next after the whole “getting married” part.

It seems so intuitive.

We’ve all seen countless images of the happy elderly couple who’ve been together for ages. We’ve heard stories from our grandparents about how things used to be and how people stayed together for decades, sometimes more than a half-century.

We’ve all harbored that secret fantasy that we’d find “the one,” and we’d eventually pin them down and spend the rest of our days with them until we both died, hopefully near the same time.

This isn’t the reality for most people.

Like most things in life, this shows us how bad we are at determining statistical probability without the help of data. All the “hunches” that we believe inform us so wonderfully fail miserably in the face of scientific scrutiny.

We evolved to hunt, gather, live, laugh, bond, socialize, mate, and survive. We did not evolve to contemplate remote mathematical probabilities, and it shows.

Loving as We Age

Since 1980, the number of unmarried adults had risen by a towering 50% by 2011. The Baby Boomer generation broke a long-standing tradition of marriage at all costs— till death do us part.

One-third of Baby Boomers are unmarried, with the rest of the majority of single people from the Silent Generation born between 1925 and 1945.

I’ll be the first to admit that I had silly ideas about the love lives of older people when I was young. When I was in my 20s, I assumed that we got older, our hormones stopped working, and we suddenly transformed into asexual beings who fulfilled our roles in society as parents and grandparents.

You’ll have to forgive my idiotic twenty-something-year-old reasoning that figured that between erectile dysfunction, tiredness, and menopause, there was just no room for dating or sex in later life.

I was so wrong.

Not only do people continue to have sex as they age, but we also continue to date and pursue traditional romantic relationships.

As divorce rates have been climbing since the 1970s, it makes sense that there’s a population of older adults seeking new love. A 2011 study found that 14% of single Americans 65 and older were dating.

We youngsters don’t give them enough credit for how radical and progressive their ideas were.

Social Media

What it means to be “old” has changed significantly from the ideas we have in our heads. While 96% of people aged 18 to 29 have a smartphone, and only 61% of adults 65 and older have a smartphone — that still means 61% of older adults are on smartphones, with 45% using social media.

Older adults don’t just go away because they retired.

And yes, they’re dating.

And 6% of Tinder users are between the ages of 55 and 64.

Relationships Usually Get Better

While many people have already been married and either divorced or lost a loved one in death, substantial numbers end up getting back out on the playing field and meeting someone new.

We’re much less likely to remarry as we get older, a 2004 study found. It’s a testament to the stone-cold, pragmatic wisdom that comes with age. These adults are still very much open to cohabitating with their new partners.

Though our motivations and priorities change, older adults still seek companionship and new partnerships for a variety of life’s pleasures.

Older adults have less time for drama and spend more time trying to maximize their enjoyment in life. They report having better relationships than their younger counterparts.

Distance, Beauty, & Money

Another 2011 study investigated what older people looked for when they dated online. Older women were much more reluctant to give up their newfound freedom. Traditionally, women took care of the household and children, and as they age, many women aren’t going to toss away that hard-earned freedom they’ve found in their older years for any ole’ schmo.

Older men were much more willing to pursue something serious.

Older daters were also much more selective than their younger counterparts. With age comes wisdom, and many people have been through the wringer enough times to know what they don’t want ever again.

Older partners were much more specific about their potential partners’ age, race, religion, income, and height, but they were much less concerned with distance if they met the right person.

A 2009 study found that men sought beauty and tended to date younger women, while women sought status and money and tended to date older men until they reached age 75, and then women also started dating younger men.

Sex & Intimacy

Contrary to my silly hunches, older adults have plenty of sex whenever they’re capable of it. The National Institute of Health mentions that older adults often have to redefine sex and intimacy to maintain their sex lives.

And those who do, reap the rewards. Older adults typically find greater satisfaction in their sex lives than when they were younger. They have fewer distractions, more time, more privacy, and no worries about pregnancy. They’re mature enough to connect on a deeper, more emotional level.

With age often comes the necessary relationship skills to make our sex lives flourish.

A 2019 study found that 60% of the participants had engaged in sex in the last few months. As we age, penetrative sex tends to take a back seat. Other activities such as kissing, hugging, touching genitals, masturbation, and oral sex become more prominent forms of sexual expression.

Engaging in these behaviors is a good predictor of overall life satisfaction and emotional well-being. This is confirmed by another study from 2019 that found the same thing.

Older adults who have sex are healthier and happier than their non-sexual counterparts.

This all comes with a precaution: STI rates have been skyrocketing in older adults for decades. Older adults frequently forego condom use as they don’t fear pregnancy and are usually more likely to adhere to tradition.

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