Strong Father or Caring Mother?
The Difference Between Conservative and Progressive Types of Self-Help… And How They’re Ultimately Just As Flawed
A Tale of Two Courses
In January, I did two very different “New Year, New You” courses. One was by Tony Robbins — the widely acclaimed Godfather of the self-help industry. The other was from a relatively new organisation — Commune — which promises to be “your path to a happier, healthier life.”
Throughout my month of attempted self-improvement, I couldn’t help feeling that, despite similar intentions, these professional outfits came from completely different worlds. And then I realised: they did. The former was wrapped up in traditional, conservative values of determination and hard work. The latter had a much more progressive mindset — all about expressing your true, authentic self. Do you want conservative or progressive self-help in 2021? Take your pick.
Just to give you a rough idea of the difference, listening to Tony Robbins’ advice was like receiving a pep talk from a strong father who’s been there and now has all the answers. His course was all about “taking back control” and “being in the driver’s seat” of your own life. To do this, you have to learn how to “succeed in almost anything” and “crush your biggest enemy” (being comfortable). Because simply being “good isn’t going to cut it if you want to live an extraordinary life” and “launch yourself to the next level of success, happiness, fulfilment, joy and achievement.” The ultimate goal of the course was to become “unshakable” — happy and productive no matter what’s going on around you. The unshakable individual is someone who’s constantly high energy and positive, always on top of their game and able to dig themselves out of any challenge.
In contrast, the Commune course was more like receiving encouraging support from a caring mother who only wants the best for you. Instead of high energy, most of the speakers were sitting down or on a yoga mat. They spoke with soft, soothing tones. Self-improvement for progressives is apparently more about being calm and centred than having to be intensely productive. The goal of the course wasn’t so much about crushing your biggest enemy, but rather “stepping into your highest potential”. It turns out that simply being you is good enough after all, so long as it’s “the best, most evolved version of yourself”. Then you’ll be “living into your gifts”, which “benefits everyone, especially you.” What’s not to like about that?
What Lies Beneath the Divide?
The conservative version of self-help tells you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, while the progressive version is much more forgiving. Which type is better for you? That probably has a lot to do with the parenting style you were brought up with. Psychologists and sociologists distinguish between “authoritarian” and “authoritative” parenting styles. Authoritarian parents tends to be more conservative in nature, teaching kids how to be narrowly successful, obedient and conformist. In contrast, authoritative parents tend to be more liberal, allowing for autonomy and self-expression. Which set of values to adopt depends very much on your context. If you live in a threatening environment, being autonomous and self-expressive can get you killed. But, if you live in a place full of opportunity, being obedient and conformist will most likely hold you back.
Not surprisingly — as a writer on Medium — I grew up with the more liberal parenting style. And I certainly resonate more with the progressive style of self-help (possibly because I use words like “resonate”). But, what I came to realise by the end of both courses is they had more in common with each other than they at first appeared to. The two types of self-help may use very different language, have different teaching styles and favour different kinds of “optimal” mental states, but they are still very much self-help. By the end of the month, I became more interested in what these two courses had in common than in their noticeable differences. What is the DNA of self-help? What lies beneath the divide?
I came to realise that both self-help courses had the same three fundamental beliefs at their core:
- What fundamentally matters is achieving outcomes, like happiness and success
- If you want to achieve these outcomes, you need to change yourself
- You can most effectively change your habits and mental states
Tony Robbins might talk more about happiness and success, whereas the Commune bunch might talk more about joy and fulfilment — but both are concerned with achieving outcomes. Likewise, the more conservative type of self-help might emphasise how you have to “take control and responsibility” of your life, while the more progressive type might put it more in terms of “empowerment and ownership” — but both agree it’s individual change that matters. Lastly, mastery of your internal landscape might look relentlessly energetic and positive according to Tony Robbins, yet calm and compassionate to the hippies over at Commune — still, both versions focus on how to control your habits and mental states to win at the game of life.
We Can Do Better, Together
What should we make of this underlying DNA of self-help, no matter which political flavour it comes in? I don’t want to come down too hard on the self-help industry in this article — if you want that, I suggest reading books such as The Happiness Industry, The Wellness Syndrome, McMindfulness or, my favourite, Smile or Die. Although the self-help industry clearly preys on vulnerable individuals with false hopes and inflated promises, it also clearly works for some people. Even if it doesn’t deliver what it promises to, self-help might still give people that little bit of motivation to make a difference to their lives when they need it most.
The question is, can we do better? Can the self-help industry actually help people, not just fill their heads with simplistic ideas and unrealistic expectations? I think it can, but only by changing its underlying DNA, starting with opposing the three fundamental beliefs at it’s core. Here’s how:
First, we can reject the idea that big life outcomes, such as happiness and success, are what fundamentally matter. Sure, it makes sense to achieve things to make our lives better. But, any amount of ancient philosophy or modern psychology will tell you that a good life isn’t just about what we can get or have. What makes our lives meaningful is connection, not achievement. It’s the process of how we live that ultimately matters, not what our lives ultimately end up looking like.
Second, when it comes to improving our lives, we needn’t think we’re in it alone. It’s simply not true that, if only we were better people, we would be happy and successful. Meaningful personal change happens within in a complex web of relationships — it’s a constant give and take between ourselves, others and the contexts we live in. It’s not something we can do on our own. The most profound changes in our lives can happen from a moment of serendipity, the support of a loved one, the kindness of a stranger, or simply a lucky break. But, all these things depend on being open to the world, and trusting in it, not just focusing on changing ourselves.
Third, instead of mastering our mental states, we can acknowledge that no amount of control will ever be enough. Life is complicated. We often don’t know what’s good for us, let alone how to achieve it. Meaningful changes happen over time, through an ongoing, messy, uncertain and vulnerable process of trial and error. The best we can do is take the next step and see what happens. Sometimes this will result in failure, loss or disappointment. But, life will continue to present us with new possibilities for change. We can endeavour to learn from our experiences and take the next step. Again. And again. That is how meaningful personal change works, without the comforting illusions of security and control. We must learn to expect the unexpected.
Together, these three changes to the underlying DNA of self-help have profound implications for how people live their lives:
From “Achievement matters” to “Connection matters”.
From “You’re not good enough” to “You’re not alone.”
From “Control your mental states” to “Just take the next step.”
These are fundamentally different ways of viewing ourselves and the world, no matter whether you’re a staunch conservative or an outright progressive. We can all ask ourselves: Which version of self-help will we get behind in 2021?