Strict Rules for Reading and Writing Erotica

As specified by the Erotica Federation Unidos (Ef-U)

To gain the most from reading or writing erotica, please educate yourself using the quiz below.

Reading and writing erotica is a privilege and not a right, so please do so judiciously, as outlined by the Erotica Federation Unidos Vol 3 (hereafter known as Ef-U) in cooperation with the GCBSS (G. Charles BS Society).

Thank you.

1. Erotica must be seen to be enjoyed. True or False.
2. A woman breathing deeply and slowly is always erotic, unless she is being given a breathalyzer test. True or False.
3. Erotica must contain earth-shaking orgasmic conclusions with the characters tensing, stiffening, and writhing like they’re having seizures to be considered truly erotic. True or False.
4. Erotica is best published and consumed after only one unedited draft to ensure a high degree of raw sexuality. True or False.
5. Characters must howl like coyotes when they climax or the story cannot be classified as erotic. True or False.
6. Erotic billionaire romances, especially stories taking place on yachts, are the highest examples of reader intellect and writer capability. (It’s true — why bother guessing?)
7. At least every third paragraph must contain the use of a variation of fuck; either the character thinking it, saying it, or wanting it. True or False.
8. Erotic stories can be any variation of one specific gender alone, in a group setting, or paired up with another character of another gender. True or False.
9. When reading erotica, if you’re occasionally thinking about what you need to purchase from the grocery store, how to pay your utility bill, or why the neighborhood brats had to smash your window with a baseball then the erotica author isn’t keeping your attention. True or False.
10. Referring to #8, unless you’re masturbating while thinking about such mundane things as bills and groceries. True or False.
11. Referring to #8 again, unless you’re masturbating to relieve stress caused by your existence and not by the story. True or False.
12. Erotica may not contain references to country music. True or False.
13. True erotic stories will never feature truckers at truck stops eating a third slice of cherry pie. Just accept it.
14. Historical erotic romances featuring women chewing Mail Pouch tobacco — would be really cool. But not if they accidentally swallow it. The tobacco, that is.
15. Silk sheets must be in a story for it to be erotic. True or False.
16. Any story of any genre, or any book like a textbook or accounting manual, that is 69 pages in length is automatically considered erotic. True. Period.
17. All plumbers, pool cleaners, and pizza delivery personnel featured as lead or secondary characters must be male. True or False.
18. The more impossibly thin a woman’s waist is described as and the more the breasts are described as being large and voluminous then the more erotic her character is. (As in #5, true, so don’t even guess).
19. When a man is described as having a bulge in his pants, or his pants near his zipper form in a tent shape, and it’s because he actually does have a tent in his pants, then the more erotic the character description is. I mean, if a guy has a tent in his pants then he must be incredible. True or False.
20. A rule of thumb in erotica will: a) feel good; b) have a scent of sex; c) be ripe for sucking; d) all of the above.
21. All erotica is serious and so therefore must not contain humor of any type. Got it?
22. A woman slowly taking off her gloves is considered erotic — unless the woman is a doctor or veterinarian, the gloves are latex, and she has just completed an exam on a patient. Eeew. True or False.
23. Panties and other forms of clothing that cover the legs must always puddle or pool at the feet of the one taking them off. True or False.
24. References to a man’s genitals must not be confused with the agricultural term of the same. True and true.
25. Erotica for women must always feature a Danish bodybuilder named Hans with flowing blond hair, vacuuming the floor while wearing jeans but no shirt. True or False.
26. Poughkeepsie, New York is the least erotic sounding name of any city or town in North America. Schenectady is a close second. True.
27. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is incredibly sexy whenever the Steelers happen to score in a playoff game. Steelers fans really get off on that.
28. G. Charles is as amazing in bed as he is on the sofa eating potato chips. True. No other choices.

Thank you again for your participation. Please print this or take a screen shot so you may reference it when discussing with close family, friends, or those you can’t stand.

For additional erotica education, please read:

Pick Up Lines that Fail Miserably