Strict Parenting Taught Me NOT To Have Boundaries
It was not okay for me to have my own identity.
Anyone deep into the self-help and personal development game knows that boundaries are pivotal to leading a successful, peaceful, and manageable lifestyle. (Side Note: If you struggle with implementing boundaries and you haven’t read “When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life” By Dr. Henry Cloud, get the book today.) But let’s keep it real here, many people struggle when it comes to boundaries.
What Do Firm Boundaries Look Like
One of my close friends has firm boundaries — unlike anyone I’ve met before, and it’s not offensive at all! Boundaries are a natural aspect of who she is because she was taught from the beginning that it is okay to have them. She easily tells you if something is not okay with her. She will politely but (mostly) assertively convey to someone, who tries to interrupt her workout with a meaningless conversation, that she is getting back to her training — effective immediately.
We were roommates in college, and she has a garrulous nature. Whenever she was in her talking mood (which was most nights), I felt 100% comfortable telling her, “Hey, you’re talking too much,” and she accepted it easily, happily, and went on her merry way.
She has been a teacher to me for implementing boundaries into my life. I found her family life fascinating because I knew the cause of her boundaries was because her parents let her know it was okay to:
- Voice her opinions without consequence.
- Express her feelings and emotions — even if they differed from her parents.
- Be who she is — unapologetically.
It’s Starts In Childhood
You either have boundaries, or you don’t, and it starts in childhood. Parents are usually the ones that teach them to you by example and how they raise you. Parents are the ones that let you know if your boundaries are okay to implement.
As kids, we naturally have boundaries from the beginning — if we don’t experience too much trauma, too soon. It’s normal for a kid to tell you if they don’t like something, if they don’t want to do something, if something doesn’t feel right, if they don’t like someone, if they don’t want to go off somewhere with someone, etc. Kids are honest when they haven’t been tainted too much by life and people.
Why Strict Parenting Can Eat Away Your Boundaries
My parents and I have an excellent relationship today, and we talk almost every day. Growing up, though, was an interesting story. My parents were amply strict — unnecessarily, I might add (I mean, I was the GOOD child #baffled). It was their way or the highway. There was no arguing, and if you did (like I did), it meant repercussions would ensue. It was not okay for me to state my opinion. It was not okay for me to say no. It was not okay for me to reject a hug I did not want from my family or people outside of my family. It was not okay for me to say I did not want to be apart of family movie night. It was not okay for me to have my own identity. All of this scarred me and hindered my development for healthy boundaries. (Side Note: Aside from boundaries, there were many things my parents did right.)
Generational BS
Looking back, I understand why my parents were the way they were (because of their own childhood trauma). If your parents don’t have good boundaries, their parents didn’t either. It’s a generational effect that does not cease until someone gets into enough pain to say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” I got to this point but still struggle with boundaries to this day in some ways. But I am a lot better than I used to be.
A Letter to Parents
I’m calling out parents now…
Many issues that kids experience and face today (drug addictions, having babies way too early, dropping out of school way too early, anorexia/bulimia, struggling with suicide, getting bullied (in-person and digitally), getting into debt way too early, etc.), well some of these issues are because kids are taught:
- Who they are does not matter.
- What they say, think, and feel does not matter.
- Their identity is not invaluable.
- Having boundaries and saying “no” is not polite or okay.
- Being different is not okay.
- Following the crowd is the right thing to do.
I remember a story about a girl who struggled with anorexia because she felt forced to be a doctor because everyone in her family was a doctor. No one in the family had any identity other than a doctor. There were no boundaries, separate identities, or differing opinions. No one had their own voice or desires; they simply all did the same thing. She never understood why she developed the bizarre reaction (anorexia), but this was her way of coping with a lack of boundaries all her life.
Do Better
Parents need to do better. I know it’s not easy, which is why I have not signed up for the job, but I was a kid once, and I know how it feels to have parents that don’t allow you to have your own identity. I know how it feels to want to say “no” but instead learn to say nothing. I know how it feels to be angry because you’re not allowed to have boundaries. I know how it feels to not be able to express your anger. I know how it feels to be silenced. I know how it feels to be diminished because your boundaries are not respected. I know how it feels to not be allowed to be yourself.
Don’t Talk Back = Don’t Have An Opinion/Be Silent
The whole “Don’t talk back to me” thing that parents say to their children should be re-worded to something like:
- “I value your opinion — even if it’s different than mine.”
- “I would like to hear what you have to say — respectfully.”
Don’t silence your kids, or you are teaching them to be silent in the world. Kids' voices matter. Our voices matter. Who we are, matters. Having boundaries matters. If you don’t have boundaries, you will never live your life; you will always be subject to the whims of everyone around you. Without boundaries, you will never be the driver or in charge of your life. So, if you weren’t taught boundaries growing up, this is the perfect time to start. It won’t be easy, but it will be 100% worth it. Cheers.
Thank you for taking the time to #elevate your life with this quick read. Grab your free books here — Destiny S. Harris’ Free Amazon Book Page. Wanna keep in touch online? Connect with me on Instagram, Facebook, or my Website.