Parenting
Strategies That Helped Me Stay Calm in Stressful Situations
Put the instinct to criticize aside and remain patient
“Stop arguing! Stop harassing each other!”
I have said these words to my kids over and over. And lost. Lost the moment where I should seize something is wrong.
Kids arguing loudly rank high on my list over most stressful situations. However, if I lose my patience, no one will trust me enough to tell me what’s troubling them.
“All bad behavior is really a request for love, attention, or validation.” — Kimberly Giles
After getting this wrong over and over, I finally cracked the code. I need to moderate myself so I don’t sound too arrogant. I now get this right quite often. Before, almost never.
I realized bad behavior could be a ‘possible need for talking’ and thus altered my response. I speak calmly to the kids instead of yelling. I’m trying to be understanding and curious instead of dismissive.
Small changes could make a huge difference. The reward is kids who share their worries with me. Below I give you my approach.
How I calmly handle a ‘possible need for talking’, disguised as bad behavior
- Realize something is bothersome Uttermost important, but tricky. First, you must overcome the instinct to react with anger. Second, think. Use the elimination method. Could there be a logical reason for the problematic behavior, like lack of sleep and food?
- Turn on the patience #staycalm I think of this as stepping into a different state. All my thoughts and feelings are put aside. I’m calm and patient, and nothing can shake with this.
- Encourage talking I look for a suitable place without others hearing and ask gently if something is wrong. I listen to whatever needs to be said. What is said stays between us unless otherwise stated.
- Spend all the time needed If you are lucky to get someone to open up, then be present for as long as it takes. This is important in solving the current problem and building the foundation for future conversations.
That they tell what is bothering them is a sign of trust. This trust must not be broken.
“Consistency is the true foundation of trust. Either keep your promises or do not make them.” ― Roy T. Bennett
I’m not a superwoman who gets this right all the time, and sometimes my yelling instinct wins. However, if I’m calm and understanding, everyone benefits. The reward for my patience is kids who tell me their worries and let me support them.
Small changes could make a huge difference.
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